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E - Everyone


by take3breaths

The blues were to marry the reds.

The paint was meant to be mixed .

But sometimes red married reds,

And these colors couldn't be fixed.

And some blues could marry some blues,

Though most thought it wrong.

But after hard work and acceptance,

They finally all got along.

As a blue, some things i kept hidden,

Because love among two blues was forbidden.

I was a blue who loved a blue,

And it wasn't what we were supposed to do.

But she wasn't a blue very like me.

She wished she was red.

So bad, in fact, that i was worried,

She could soon be dead.

But if she was a blue who became a red,

And i still loved her half to death,

Our paint was mixed and we were fixed

And i could let go of my breath.

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31 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 31

Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:30 am
MoonLitTragedy wrote a review...

Wow. This is amazing. I feel like this sort of relates to societal discrimination that currently exists in the LGBT+ community. I love how you compared certain people to the colour red, and others to blue. The way you fixated on how it was viewed as wrong, if you will, for certain colours to love their same colour added to the poem. I also love the part where she, the other blue, had wanted to become a red. Also, I feel like the end conveyed sort of a relief that they were considered "normal." This poem genuinely made me feel something, and I love it. Great job.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Mon Nov 21, 2016 2:52 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

So you tell this story with an allegory, and I have mixed feelings on it. From the start of the poem I already knew what this was going to be about and I think I would have liked it to be more subtle than what you have here. It addresses the LGBT in a simple way, and I can appreciate that, but I do have mixed feelings on some things, such as it only addressing the G in LGBT rather than anything else that would have made for good imagery. I'm sure you get the point on that anyway.

The rhyme in the poem wasn't really necessary to me and only weighed it down rather than helping it. Another thing that I noticed is that it didn't particularly follow a pattern and that it wasn't consistent. A general rule of thumb for rhyming is to rhyme throughout the whole poem, or at least keep it consistent to where you're rhyming.

Like I said before and earlier, this poem is simple and I think it was meant to be, but that doesn't mean to cut out on elements like imagery or strong lines. The poem speaks in a way that's very basic and doesn't really have a strong vocabulary to follow which is something that I suggest you work on with this poem, going along with word choice. Choose words that define what you mean the best. Synonyms of words can mean different things or more specific things. For example, the word "burn" may not have the same connotation or meaning in your mind as "singe" or "char"; use that to your advantage.

I think that it would be beneficial if you broke this up into stanzas as the thoughts of the poem are more in fragments than in one piece, just a small note I wanted to leave. Another thing I wanted to bring back up was the lack of imagery here. With the poem you could use the sensory detail of color to your advantage and have it be the main base, along with other things or senses that you could use to describe paint, such as the smell or feel of it. It helps create an atmosphere which is something that would be beneficial for this because the poem is wrapped up in itself in the sense that it's an allegory.

With this being about a topic that's usually passionate, that's something that the poem missed. It didn't really put in or have emotion for me or enough to invest in it. Some lines that I do have to say are the strongest ones at capturing the tone of the poem are these:

But she wasn't a blue very like me.

She wished she was red.

So bad, in fact, that i was worried,

She could soon be dead.

That being said, I think that this poem being blunt with its message contributes to it not having emotion. Another thing that I have to say is that it lacks emotional attachment from the speaker and even you as the author. The poem is very topic based and doesn't really use "I" but using that and bringing this back to the speaker is something that would make it more down-to-earth and less alienated in how it feels. Let the speaker breathe with their thoughts and experiences instead of just telling this story that's distant and hard to connect to.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

take3breaths says...

Thanks so much! I really appreciate the constructive criticism and will keep it in mind for my next poem. And I find your review really interesting because this is my simplest poem ever. Inc I publish other works I would love for you to check them out because they fit the critiques you gave for the meaning of this poem, this is about how I thought I was lesbian even though I wasn't out yet but I fell in love with a trans boy. True story

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Points: 481
Reviews: 4

Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:41 am
kappahime says...

I think this story was amazing. Yes, it could use some editing as I saw quite a few grammar mistakes. However overall, this story has become my personally favorite. I loved the concept and rhyming it all fit together perfectly. This was a wonderful piece, I loved it.

take3breaths says...

Really? Thank you!

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117 Reviews

Points: 6987
Reviews: 117

Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:17 am
JosephGeorge wrote a review...

Hey take3breaths,

First Impressions: Beautiful piece. Very lyrical and fun, but with some actual good meaning to it. Quite enjoyable to read.

Positives: There wasn't anything specific that jumped out as me as particularly special, which is to say that, while it's all simple, it flows very well and there's not really any points where I cringed or thought it should be different.

As a blue, some things i kept hidden,

Because love among two blues was forbidden.

This part I think is where the most "message" is hidden. My first thought was cousin's marrying cousin's, which would be weird, but then I thought a little deeper and my mind went to the whole concept of "blue bloods" and the fact that they're simply just better than everyone else.

Your poem has potential to be edited a bit, and showcased to make some public statements. (I would seriously consider doing something like that.)

So bad, in fact, that i was worried,

She could soon be dead.

This part seems a little drab as the second line really feels like you just tried to make it rhyme. Perhaps not the case, but it looks and smells like that, so, possibly finding a way to rework this little bit will improve it all the more.

Overall: I really like this, and feel that it has some really good potential. (If you want any further help with it I'd love to offer some advice, or simply just be there to read it or share it.)

I give it:

Joseph Henry George

take3breaths says...

Thank you so very much and I will consider your critique

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb