Here is David's poem.
Please let me know what you think and some constructive criticism is good for you =]
David's Poem
David's Poem
I don't know why
You chose me
It was early July, 1993.
I knew my life would never be the same
Now it would become filled with cowardice, hardship, fear and shame
That day my soul rejected the person I became.
At one point I actually began to hate you
Because I wasn't ready for anything new.
• • •
I thought I was in love
I thought that it was right --
Teenage girls are too stupid
Thinking they've been hit by the arrow of cupid
Never considering that they may die of the poison wound.
Then one night I didn't care anymore;
A miracle was to happen, I knew and I swore.
Danny didn't care for me
Still I gave him all my chastity
Didn't think he'd turn out to be
A male brimming with lies
That's just the thing with guys.
• • •
I remember feeling you in my womb,
You were encased for 9 months like a mummy in a tomb.
I loved the feeling of floating,
As if weightless
When in reality I weighed about a thousand pounds from the roundness of my belly--
I could not wait to be his bride.
Throughout those 9 months
That sick bastard promised me
Everything; he promised we would be
A happy, simple family.
But that didn't work out--
Once he met Emily.
He was not there when I gave life to his son.
That day, I was alone.
There was no one.
And I broke down and cried because the hardest part of my life had begun.
• • •
I lasted about a week on the streets
Stealing scraps for nighttime eats;
It's funny
I saw an ad at the bus shelter the other day
It reminded me of this difficult time,
It said “Your children don't plan to live on the streets”
A memory of a child starving in Africa came to mine
Then my own son
Left behind.
My parents thought I had run away
Thank God when I returned I was allowed to stay.
I think they wanted to save your life
Or keep a poor 16 year old from a lot of strife.
Whatever the reason, God bless
They saved me from a terrible mess.
They helped me raise you;
I went to school.
You remained my precious jewel.
I remember when you were 5 you said angels were around us,
And I knew that for you, my little angel, the future was glorious.
The toddler who yanked at my heart is gone now
Replaced by a brave hearted slightly broken young man
Who looks at his mother and doesn't even know.
Now as I look back on your baby pictures of times long gone,
I remember that blue eyed laugh and that black haired grin
Waking me up,
Crawling into my bed at the crack of dawn
It's still there
Just a little hidden by age.
If there is anything that kept us okay,
It's that we loved each other in the right way.
We knew when to let each other go
And when to stop and say no.
I named you David
Because David means beloved
And I knew that all those years ago;
You would be shoved
Into a shadow by your father.
David
To eternally love you;
Cherishing your precious heart
Which, to this day beats in sync with mine--
Because I was the only one who never stopped loving you.
You are my Eternity, David, Beloved.
Mama loves you.
♥
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree. Some of your imagery is wonderful, such as:
"You were encased for 9 months like a mummy in a tomb." (Brilliant!)
But elsewhere, your rhymes seem forced. The stanza that iamlovegalore quotes is a very good example.
Much of this is passive, 'telling' writing. You use a lot of 'was/were' expressions, like here:
"Danny left his newborn son and I with no home and no money.
A meal a day was not a guarantee.
I needed a job and I need one fast
Or else the life of my newborn son would not last."
Try:
"Danny left his new baby with no money,
Of a meal a day, we had no guarantee.
I want a job; I need one now
Or else your life will do no one proud."
Something like that. Make you wording stronger. Not just 'needing' a job, but wanting one. You could also throw in some more images. Take this stanza:
"You're so big now -
Almost 16.
So much has happened in between.
Finally though, our lives are serene."
This is mostly waffle, but even so, adding an image really livens it up:
"The toddler has disappeared now;
All I see is a handsome young man, nearly sixteen.
The years have blurred and collapsed into one,
But we bask in a life serene."
By using similes and metaphors instead of banal statements, we pull the readers into our work and let them feel as the characters are feeling. It's much more active; it forces the reader to think and use their imagination, rather than read passively.
Hope that helps.
Gahks
6/10
This poem really reminds me of a song by Regina Spektor called Braille. I don't know if you've ever heard any of her music, but I hope it's ok if I just copy/paste the lyrics here because this poem really put it in my head -especially the part about naming him David.
Anyway, onto the critique.
You tell a good story here, I really felt for the character. I was a bit confused at the very start as to how old she actually was, but you clarified it later. Mostly your rhyme schemes are good, but sometimes it's a bit forced and clunky, as though you only put the word in to make it rhyme. A good example of this is:
There are some really lovely images though, like:
That's just lovely, I would like it if there were more images like that - so that the story is "shown" rather than "told" if you get what I mean.
One more thing:
I don't think that semi-colon is right.
I love the sweet ending of this poem =]