He looked at you,
He's seen your eyes,
He's seen your tears,
He's seen your lies.
He says to you "Pretty baby brown eyes why so sad? Pretty brown eyes like that should only be red when you get out of bed"
Before you know it's morning time your eyes they flutter, or at least they try.
You stare around, it's not your room, you turn around,
There he is.
You remember your mother say "My daughter, pretty brown eyes, don't trust the man who's been with many."
Pretty baby brown eyes, what have you done?
He took advantage,
Now you won't glow like the sun.
A girl with such beauty,
A girl with such smarts,
will only end up with a broken heart,
they can see through those gorgeous brown eyes,
They can take advantage when they see you cry.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
You see the long lines that go all the way to the far right of the page? Well, since some lines are short, you need to split those up. It looks and sounds weird! Like you added sentences or paragraphs in your poem!
Other than that, it's a bit cliche, but beautiful all the same.
I suggest a title change, too.
~Classy
I loved it. Though I could say maybe you should separate your stanzas and lines a bit better to help with the flow and rhythm(make it clearer to the reader). The emotion that you packed into this was very good. You didn't go overboard with your words, but the repetition and the words you chose were perfect. You seem to have a knack for poetry. Keep writing!
~Lukan
Hi, welcome to YWS! I'm Vox, feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk about writing or have a question.
Before I get started, one clarification: I think this should be rated PG. Just because of some suggestive phrases.
I'll do an edit, which will include typos and more general critiques. All the criticism, though, is just about the poem, which is a good poem, and with a little work, it can reach its full potential.
1) I think it would sound better if you combined "he's seen your tears, he's seen your lies", though this is definitely a nit-pick.
3 this line is a bit annoying with its intricate rhymes. Or is it supposed to be annoying to give the reader the feeling of the character's personality? I just thought I'd point it out, since I don't know what you were trying to do with it.
4 you use a lot of unecessary words in this line. They just clutter it up and make it hard to understand. Try rephrasing it to something like "Before you know it's morning, your eyes want to flutter, or at least try"
5 using the word "you" and the word "around" twice in the same sentence is a little bland.
6 good line! It gives me a distinct image of a mother bending over her young daughter, trying to teach her things she's yet to understand.
7 The "baby" in this line just sounds corny. Cutting it out would really make the ending resonate. It just feels out of place as the poem begins to shift to a more serious tone
No further edits. I think this is exceptionally good, especially since it's your first post!
Great job, and keep writing.
-Voxina