Heaven and Earth: Betrayal ch2 Heaven Sent Child prt 1

Hmmm... having the flashbacks, and the tale would be too obvious. Have one or the other.
If you want your characters to have a sense of humor, put them in more normal situations. You know, passing through a town, meditation, etc. Read it out loud too yourself. That usually helps. :D:D:D:D:D

thnx for the crit, I know this story is really confusing at first, a lot of the stuff is build up for later in the book, if the way they talk is a bit stiff, its 'cause I have trouble making my characters have a sense of humor, thnx for the advice on drawing it out more. I'm just posting the rough draft for some advice right now.

As for the story, the reason its being told, and not shown, is cause you learn more of this later in the book. There are flashback chapters where it goes to when Keir and Keigo were first alive.

overall thnx, this is my first try at a big project so I appreciate the help

Sorry Sylverdawn, I completely missed this.

Rath climbed the stairs of the tower spiraling upward, at last he was able to reach the top of the tower. He staggered onto the platform and stared up at the doors leading to the bellroom.

I suggest you change it to ‘climbing the spiral staircase.’ At the moment, it sounds like he’s twirling up the stairs.

The doors appeared seamless, they were made of brown green stone, and strange symbols were carved into the doors, gleaming gold. Slowly Rath walked up to the entrance, glancing around warily.

"The way this day is going, i'll be lucky if a safe lands on my head." He glanced up half expecting it to happen. Laughing under his breath he stepped forward, Placing his palm on one of the doors symbols

These two don’t flow together very good. One or the other, or combine both.

Suddenly a bright light flooded his vision, Rath squeezed his eyes shut, hissing as a burning sensation filled his hand. When the light faded he opened his eyes to see the doors swinging open, the bellroom was perfectly round, with an arched ceiling, the room was made of gray marble, six pillars rose upward they were set into the edges of the six pointed star carved into the floor.

Try not to use ‘suddenly.’ It makes it sound like Rath wasn’t expecting it… which I’m sure he was ‘Instantly’ would be a little better. Hissing? *Seraph imagining Rath as the giant evil Jafar* We need a few more thought bubbles too. I mean, when the doors swing open, I’m imagining him being smacked in the face.

Rath clenched his hand in a fist, wincing as the pain came back. Glancing down at his palm he saw a strange symbol imprinted in it, the sun set inside a crescent moon and six, six-pointed stars hovered above.

Cut to the chase here. We don’t need so much description.

Laughter echoed in his head making Rath look up, a wolf and cheetah, stepped out from behind one of the pillars, stiffening Rath slid into a fighters stance. Again laughter rippled through his mind, and he got the sense that it was the animals laughing at him.

'So you finally got here, took you long enough.' The voice was sharp, and he knew it was the cheetah that spoke, just like he knew the wolf's voice would be flowing, like he were howling. The animals eyes shone with an intelligent light.

"Just great, first i'm hearing voices, now talking animals. I must be going crazy." Rath muttered shaking his head he raked a hand through his hair.

???
He just performed something hugely magical, and he thinks he’s going crazy because of talking animals???
Also, don’t glorify these animals too much. I mean, wolves don’t howl all the time, and cats aren’t pissy all the time. Give us some other characteristics. Uh, maybe the cat is snappy because she stutters all the time… or something.

Slowly both animals began to pace, circling him, they began to speak, their mind voice falling and rising in a strange cadence. "This is a tale from long ago, a story of truth and of betrayal."

Don’t make this so obvious. Have them use different words.

"Beyond the shadows of this world, their lie other realms. Realms filled with magic, wonder, and terror as well. We come from one such world, many years have passed since we last saw our home of Gaiya."

"On Gaiya their are three kingdoms that govern all, this is discounting the lawless border lands, but in any case these three lands were Kaelyn, Asterik, and Fahyil. Of these three Fahyil was the oldest nation. One day the King of Fahyil went riding alone, he disguised himself and walked among his people, and it was their that he met and fell in love with a peasant girl."

"Soon word reached the other countries that Fahyil's King was courting a peasant and that she was pregnant with his child. The girl and the king were secretly married, and then the girl was sent into hiding, the idea was that once the child was old enough they would come to court, and this would save the infant from assassins."

"Soon the woman gave birth to twin sons, which she named Keir and Keigo after the sun and moon. The twins were born in the dead of winter, with a huge snowstorm all around."

"The twins were close, they did everything together, soon though they were old enough to go to court, so their mother brought them to meet their father. Both boys were quick and cunning and they soon grasped the art of battle, and court intrigue, quick to punish those who laughed at their not quite blue blood."

"Time passed and the boys grew up, they were knighted, and when they were seventeen the border provinces formed a federation and declared war on Fahyil, who bordered the west of their lands. The twins went to war and over next two years, they were declared heroes for their many acts of valor."

"The land that was defended was huge, as a result the twins were seperated for the first time in their lives, when they reunited at the end of the war, a change had come over Keigo, he was dark and moody, and avoided his brother. Keir noticed but didn't worry much about it. In the end Keigo tried to kill his brother, and ultimately they killed eachother, they were nineteen at the time."

"But the twins magic was powerful, and someone didn't want them dead. Their souls were not aloud to rest, but were instead set on the path of rebirth. Keigo has been reborn and his grudge to Keir remains. You Rath are Keir's reincarnation, and Keigo will try to kill you. We are Keir's animal familiars Wolf and Flame, and it is our job to guide you."


… Yeah, you made this obvious. Please draw out your story more. I mean this is only the second chapter. We need some mystique here. You can do better with this tale. You are telling us, not showing. Please read it aloud to yourself; some parts don’t makes sense.

His voice had a strange musical accent laced through with a thick of sarcasm

????????

"I wish I could say you were dreaming, well not really, but you aren't. As for Keigo his Tamer is your best friend, I believe his name was Sora."

NO NO NO! A thousand times no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is happening WAY too fast!!!! Think about it. First, the voice, then the door, the big shiny thing, the talking animals, the tale, Keir appearing, and NOW revealing that his best friend is going to kill him. And this is only the second chapter. Draw this out more. We need to know what Rath is thinking. We need more normal situations to build on, unless fantastical things happen to the poor guy all the time. Really, slow this down, draw it out, kill us with suspense. We still don’t know Rath very well.

So what? Are you saying I have to fight my best, no my only friend? That's a load of bull shit and you know it." Rath's calm was cracking his snapped with fire as he glared at Keir.

Take out the ‘he said.’ It totally blows out your fire here

"No, it's the truth, pure and simple. Fate sucks doesn't it?" The tone of his voice was sad, as if he'd seen the worst life had to offer, and survived. Even though he was only a few years older then Rath, their was something about him that made him seem ancient.

His second sentence sounds a bit undignified. You can reword this whole paragraph better.

"Yes it does, look I know you're probably telling the truth, and i'll end up dead in a few days, but I'm not interested as far as i'm concerned you can find somebody else to play with."

Run on sentence.

Keep an eye on him and don't worry about it," Keir replied his voice barely more then a whisper. "He's like me headstrong, but not stupid. That kid would rather bite his own tounge off then be forced to dance to someonelse's tune."

Nuh uh. Avoid the “he’s just like me.” Two reasons:
1#: This steals your thunder, in a sense. I mean, who wants to read about two people who are the same?
2#: Look at the way both are acting. Keir is much more calm and collected than Rath. If they were the same, they would probably end up arguing, agreeing, or killing each other.

Overall, I think you can do alot better with this. Give us some more normal situations. Build up the suspense.

Hi there Dawn.

Your descriptions in this piece were shown ok, but it lacks colour and variety. It's just generic fantasy stuff really. From the way you described the tower to the door, it's been done heaps.

Rath wasn't a well defined character yet. We were not shown his emotions nor his thoughts that well. Also, his dialogue is so ridiculous that I question him as a belivable character.

On the whole, it lacks substance. Things just happen in your story and nothing else. There is no relevance to it nor were we shown the reason behind it. It's just there, because it is cool and it is fantasy. No, that is not how it works. Show us the reasons as to why things are.

Andy