I saw a sight, a ghost, a light
Most whimsical of art
So very near, a lovely fear
A precious Queen of Heart
-
This lively spark could be my ark
The floods of life we’ll thwart
With hand in hand, we’ll reach the land
Just I and Queen of Heart
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Yet cold and dark, my failing ark
For love is but a part
The envy spread, the pain, the dread
Don’t listen, Queen of Heart!
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The herald drums, the monster comes
To tear my ark apart
That beastly pain, my struggling, vain
I’m losing, Queen of Heart...
-
They mock my name, they shred my fame
Like throwers tossing darts
But worst of all, within their thrall
I’ve lost my Queen of Hearts
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
An awesome poem and I thoroughly enjoyed. The word choices were extremely lovely, and it had wonderful imagery, it flows with a very nice rhythm, and the words add a very nice contrast, I must say very pleasing to the ear.
This poem has no awkward parts, as far as I can tell, and I for one, don't have a problem with it. A very nice poem, with great rhythm, and word choice. I must say, keep up the amazing work.
That's awesome. I love it.
Hey, Luke here for a short review!
So, first of all, welcome to YWS! I’m sure you’ll enjoy it here, it’s really great for feedback on literature, and the atmosphere’s very warm and welcoming. Now, onto the poem. I really enjoyed it. I’m a huge fan of Alice in Wonderland, so this image of the Queen of Hearts really appeals to me. I love that you’ve kind of flipped it on its head. Usually, the Queen of Hearts is portrayed quite negatively, but here it’s quite a positive light- I really enjoy that. I also enjoyed your rhyme chime. Often, I find rhyme quite restrictive within a poem, and often it lacks purpose. Here, however, for the most part, it works. It’s not incredibly forced and serves to drive the poem forward, so I like that.
In terms of improvements, they’re pretty minor really. First, I’d just prefer it as a reader if you decided between Queen of Heart and Queen of Hearts. You use the former throughout the poem, and the latter on the last line. This may have been intentional, but if so I lost the intention, and so it’d probably be better to change it anyway. As a reader, Queen of Hearts sounds much more natural, so that’s what I’d go for, but it is just personal preference.
A second point is that the poem lacks form. As I was reading, I found myself adding in stanza breaks anyway, so it’d probably be worth your time to just go through and add in some stanzas. Perhaps every two lines or every four lines? Again though, it’s just personal preference.
On the whole though, a really good poem. I look forward to reading more in the future.
Keep writing,
Luke
There were supposed to be stanza breaks, and indeed I tried putting them in (when looking at the draft, it appeared that I had been successful. Apparently I wasn't.)
As for Queen of Heart vs Queen of Hearts, that was intentional. One reason was because it was hard to rhyme hearts with much, but Heart was easier. I also made it so that it seemed as though the narrator referred to the Queen of Heart (singular) up until the Queen was held in the thrall of someone else, becoming the Queen of Hearts.