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Weird Rapunzel Part 1

by sweetpea6skeen

Once upon a time there lived a farmer and his wife. They were so in love and really wanted a child. One day after years of trying the woman got pregnant. They rejoiced and that day the Queen and King came to visit. But instead of how de do’s, they told them that they wanted their baby when it’s born. Shocked, they said “no”, and told them to take their leave. In rage the king told them “we will be back when it’s born, and we will take the baby,” and took their leave. The farmer and his wife were in an outrage, and so the farmer told his wife that they should run away to protect the baby. She agreed but when they opened the door, there was two palace guards standing there. They both went back inside.

Finally, it was time for the baby to be born! The king and queen did come back. And they did take the poor baby. It was a beautiful baby girl. The queen and king raised it, as their own. The farmer and his wife did try to break into take their baby back, but they both died in attempt to get their child back.

Well the girl grew up to be gorgeous. She always wondered why she didn’t look anything like her mother and father (queen and king). But whenever she asked why, they would never respond to that question. But soon she was to the age of marriage. So the queen would pull up blind dates with the Princes of other countries. But her daughter would never go to them. Because she would rather go horseback riding. But one day while she was riding, her horse “Sparks” went out of control. Then all of a sudden this charming guy came on a black stallion and saved her before the Horse ran into a tree. He was tall with vivid red hair, and bright green eyes. He asked if she was okay, and then asked for her name? She said that it was Princess Rosemarrian Locktoesian. Then she asked for his name, he said Prince Jaren De’ Classic. They talked about how free they felt when they rode their horses. Then they made it back to their stables and said their goodbyes.

On her way up to her room, to change for dinner, her mother came to tell her that the prince from earlier was coming to eat dinner since they both didn’t show up the first time. So she got dressed quickly to get this thing over and done with. When she came down to the dining hall she saw Jaren and he saw her and they both gasped, and then laughed! Both of their parents were surprised that they met each other, before they set them up together on purpose. They were all relieved that it went on the good side of the previous blind dates. She told him to call her Rose, and he told her to call him just Jaren. So they both did.

The next day they went to go horseback riding together. Mostly they did everything together. Except going to the bathroom, and sleeping together. Than one day they were out walking in the garden when she told him that she started really liking him. He was so stunned that he literally ran away from her. She tried chasing after him but she tripped on her dress, fell down, and twisted her ankle really badly. He never looked back to see if she hurt herself. Luckily her father’s butler was passing by and picked her up and brought her inside.

They didn’t talk for months. Rose’s mother took that as it didn’t work out. So she asked her daughter if she would want to go on another blind date. And Rose said she would. She also asked her mother to help her try to stay indoors. Her mother was overjoyed that the very next day she had the next prince come.

Rose met this prince and was very charmed by him. He was tall, had blonde hair, and had beautiful baby blue eyes. He was also infatuated with her as well, that he asked her if he could get to know her better? She thought, why not? So they went out the next day and walked in the garden. He would ask her questions like her hobbies, and what she likes. And she would answer them. She had so much fun, that she asked for his name? He told her “I’m Prince Paul Pittsington”. She also told him her name and to just call her Rose. So he did. While they were walking they ran into Jaren. They all said hello and then Rose introduced Jaren to Paul, and vice versa. Rose told Jaren that she and Paul are dating now and that they were taking a walk to get to know each other better. Jaren just said “fine, whatever” Paul just said “it was a pleasure meeting you. I’m guessing you’re a good friend of Rose?” Well Jaren said “I guess you could call me a good friend of Rose, if you wanted to”. Rose just told Jaren that it was nice seeing and talking to him for a while, since he mainly didn’t talk to her for a few months. So she told Paul that they should probably leave Jaren. They said their goodbyes and Rose and Paul went back to their stroll/walk.

Later that day when she was checking on her “roses”, she accidently ran into Jaren. He didn’t look happy nor did he look mad. He started asking her why she was with another man/prince. She told him that he lost his chance when he cut off any communication between them. But all he could process was that what he thought was his girl was with another man! But when he found out that what he was thinking he actually said out loud. She was so surprised that she said, “I’m not your girl, and it shouldn’t matter to you who I’m with or dating! You are one big Jerk!” After she said that, she left and went back inside and didn’t come out for several days.

Every day Jaren would come back and would wait by the roses for her to come out and check up on them. But she never did come out, but that didn’t stop him from waiting there for her. Until one day he was caught by the queen. He was so surprised that he stood there like a statue. The queen asked him what he was doing by the rose bush, which was outside the Princesses room. He didn’t know what to say so he just stood there and said nothing for a while until he saw Rose through the window. Without knowing it he dashed away, blushing. The queen just thought it was odd and went back to her business. While that was happening Rose was of course in her room. Trying to figure out what she was gonna do with both Paul and Jaren. But then the queen came in her room unannounced. The queen told her that Prince Jaren was outside her window by the rose bush. Rose was both mad and happy at that news, but then quickly remembered about Paul.

The next day instead of locked up in her stuffy room she went out with Paul. Instead of their regular stroll in the garden they went horseback riding. She felt so free, while Paul was just happy that she was finally showing some emotions. They had a couple of races. They rode as far as the little stream. While they were watering their horses, Paul drew a sketch of Rose. She looks like an angel in the sketch. He wouldn’t show her, so she tried taking it out of his hands, but was never able to get it. He finally let her see. She gasped, and asked him who it was, because it didn’t look anything like her. He just simply said it’s the way I see you through my eyes. She was really happy when she heard those words. She even squealed like a little girl. He started to smirk. They finally rode back to the stables. There they parted ways. She stayed in the stables to try to calm her horse sparks down before she went in for dinner and bed. Pretty much she told him everything, cause sparks is one of her best friends. She told him that she might have started liking Paul. Then she gave sparks a carrot and told him “goodnight”.

She went in and went to the dining room to eat her dinner with her parents, when she saw that they have guests over. As she looked to see who it was, and it was Prince Jaren, the jerk! And of course his family as well. Trying to ask her mother discreetly why Jaren and his family were over? Her mother just replied saying, “Jaren asked if he and his family could join us tonight?” “And of course I had to say yes.” So she simply asked why she had to say yes and not say, “No”. She pretty much said common courtesy nothing more. She also said she thought that they made up already. She didn’t know that her daughter would be mad at having them over for dinner. So Rose just stopped arguing with her mother and just went with it.

During dinner she was just silently eating up her food, until Jaren tried talking to her. She just tried ignoring him, until her mother nudged her in the side. Then Jaren asked her, “how she was doing?” replying, said, “I’ve been doing just fine, not that it matters to you?!” he replied saying, “I was just asking since the last time I knew you were locked in your room, for a while, I was just worried. Nothing else, so don’t be cranky!” her dad trying to get them off the subject asked what Jaren’s hobbies were? He of course replied. Once she was done eating she asked to be excused from the table to go to bed? Her dad and everyone else said yes, she could be excused. Then Jaren asked to be excused, to go follow her to talk but, he was too late she was already in her room when he made it out. She ran to her room. By the time she got to her door she was out of breath. After she got into her room she pondered why she ran to her room? But she never came up with an answer.

The next day came quickly. She woke up and went to the stables to say good morning to sparks. When she got there she saw Paul waiting by the stable doors. So they went in together. Paul asked Rose if she wanted to go for a picnic later that day with him. She said that she would love to!! He was so happy to hear, that he skipped happily out of the stable, to go prepare for their picnic. Rose started to laugh at how funny he looked and acted. She then looked at her horse and told him what she thought about what to do at the picnic. Then she went inside to get dressed for the picnic. She dressed not to fancy, and not to dull, but in a beautiful play dress, with flowers, and butterflies on it.

Finally it was time for the picnic. Paul came to get her and told her that he knows a perfect place, and that they would need to ride there. So they both got on their horses and rode there. It was a beautiful spot. In fact it was along a little stream and a pond with ducks and swans. As well as a perfect view of the sun set. He had prepared the food himself and picked out some sparkling cider to drink. They both sat on the picnic blanket that was laid out. Paul started the conversation by asking Rose what her favorite things were; basically her favorite color, animal, book, and song. she responded saying “red, horses, well actually I’ve got three, “the selection”, “the elite”, and “the one”, and song is by Lasse Lindh “I could love you”. What about you?” then he told her his, which was “Dark green, octopus or maybe a cat, “I am number four”, my favorite author is Brandon Sanderson, and song “the black parade” by chemical romance. But there are so many that singling out one is just too unfair?” She then said “yes, that’s so true there are so many good songs that it’s hard to single out just one!” Then he talked about how pretty she was compared to the swans, and how pretty their surroundings were. She just plainly blushed and said “thanks for taking me out, because I really needed it.” He said “no problem.” Rose told him that it’s getting pretty late, and that they should probably get heading back home. Paul told her let’s just stay for 5 more minutes and then head back. She said alright and they stayed and left after 5 minutes had passed.

When they got back her mother and his mother were waiting for their arrival. Both of their mothers’ said “do you know what time it is young man/lady? Where the heck were you?!” they answered saying “we were just out and about. So what are you guys doing out this late?” “We, umm were just chatting about you two! That’s what we were doing!” then Paul asked “why were you talking about us down by the stables? And what were you talking about us that you had to talk behind our backs for?” both of their mothers froze for a moment, trying to find some strength left, said, “why don’t we go in so we all won’t catch our death of cold out here?!” they didn’t find anything to oppose to it, so they all went in to finish their conversation.

They all sat down in the study, away from the kings hearing range. Because they didn’t know what their wives were planning for their children. Well once they were settled, and sitting Rose’s mother started to tell them this, “well to tell you the truth we were saying how cute a couple you two make, and how well you two are at getting along with each other. As well as how your 19th birthday was coming up. We were just mainly talking about how you two should get married. Of course the wedding would take place after your 19th birthday, for sure. So don’t worry about that. But you can’t tell your fathers that we were discussing this matter without them and of course both of you!” then Rose said, “I can’t believe you were doing this behind our backs! I hope you do understand that Paul and I should make that decision on our own right?” “of course we knew that, we were just thinking on how fun it would be to have a wedding after you turn 19.” Then it grew quite for a moment and then both of the kings walked in and asked, “so what’s going on in here that we seemed to be excluded from?” then both queens replied saying, “oh its nothing important. I think we’ll need a good night’s sleep, goodnight everyone!” Paul, his mom, and his dad went home, while Rose and her parents went to bed since it was getting late!

When Rose awoke she went to her window to open it up to get fresh air, she saw Jaren by the rose bush looking in her direction, she froze. Once she found herself again she looked down at what she was wearing, jumped away from the window, and blushed! Jaren realized he was staring right at her, and was blushing, he ran to try to calm down. Once he was calm and stopped blushing he went back to the rose bush.

To his surprise, and her surprise, they both were at the rose bush. To break the silence she asked him “why he was by the rose bush, and staring right at her?” and he replied saying “I was just. checking on the roses. And for the reason I was staring at you was because I was shocked to see you at the window, yah that’s right?! So why were you at the window?” she replied saying, “I was there because I wanted fresh air and you just happened to be there. I was wearing my nightgown and felt embarrassed, that you were right by my window??” and once she said that she started to walk in to go eat her breakfast, when he grabbed her hand and told her it was good seeing that she was okay! She was surprised to hear him say that, that she froze for a minute to process, and pulled back her hand from his clutch. She ran inside to get away from that incident!

When she was sitting at the dining table she ate in a fast but slow manner. After breakfast she went to tell “sparks” about what happened, when she bumped into Jaren and Paul talking about something important. Once they saw her walk in, they stopped their conversation. She didn’t ask them what they were talking about because she was afraid that it had something to do with her, so she left it at that. She tried to tell them to continue their conversation bit they told her “it wasn’t that important. And asked her if she wanted to go horseback riding to the stream and back?” She told them sure. So they left the stables with their horses, and rode through the woods and to the stream.

Once there, they sat down on the grass while the horses took a water break. As always she had to break the “ice”, again. By saying “wow the stream and view are amazing.” Then at the same time they replied saying “yah it is. Isn’t it?” they were all surprised. Even Rose thought it was surprising that they said the same thing at the same time! But Jaren and Paul they were just a little bit terrified that they did that. After a while in silence Rose told them that she needed to get heading back home. So she told them that they could stay there if they wanted to? Well they told her that it was ok and that they will go back with her. She was okay with that, so she said “well we should head now if we want to make it back before it gets too late.” So they all headed back.

Once they arrived they took their horses to the stables, and Rose said “see you later than.” They both said “ok” but this time they tried not to say it at the same time, because it was sort of creepy. Then they parted ways. Rose went inside and went to her room to think since she didn’t really have anything she needed to be back early for. While in her room she thought about how weird it was that Paul and Jaren were so in synced together. Then she thought about how much she liked them separately and then together. Once she realized that she was thinking about them weirdly, she stopped herself. Trying to get her-self to think about other stuff, that doesn’t include Paul and Jaren. Then she started to think about what a day in the village, as just a commoner would feel like? Just then her father knocked on her door, wondering if he could come in? Of course she said he could come in. He came in and asked her if she was doing ok? She told him that she was doing fine, but that she didn’t know if Prince Jaren and Prince Paul were doing alright? He was a little shocked at his daughters’ reply that he had to really think on how to reply to this? But he figured out what to say and said “well I bet they’re doing just fine, like you. What I think is that they probably think highly of you Rose, darling.” Then she asked her father if she could go to the village tomorrow to think about stuff, and to relax from all the stress she’s felt. He was stunned but thought it would help his daughter to better understand their kingdom and how it works for the common folk. So he told her “why not, but, you have to promise me that you will be safe and come back before it gets too dark, alright?” then she said “thank you dad I promise. Oh and if you see Paul or Jaren don’t tell them where I went. Thanks daddy!!” then he left to go deal with business.

When she went downstairs for dinner she heard her parents bickering over something. She got down and they ate. While eating Rose mentioned how she was looking forward to going to the village the next day! Her mother gave her father a glare that stopped her from talking any further. When they were finished she went upstairs to go to bed.

The next day came fast and she was up and getting stuff ready for her adventure. She found some pretty plain clothes to wear. Before she left she grabbed her badge to get back into the palace. When she was going to the front to leave, she saw Prince Jaren coming towards the front door. So she rushed towards the back door to get away to have her adventure, in the village. Jaren knocked on the door luckily her father the king answered the door. Jaren asked if Rose was available. Well he told him that she wasn’t there at the moment. Then he thought about telling him, so that he can follow her around. Making sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble. So he told him, and asked him to just follow her and to keep a “low profile”. He of course agreed on these terms. Just when he was about to walk out the front doors Paul knocked on it. He asked the same question, and he got the same answer. Now Paul and Jaren both glared at each other, because they wanted to follow Rose by themselves. After the king broke up their glares at each other, he reminded them that they might want to wear plain clothing.

Rose by then got sparks and rode towards town. Then Jaren and Paul went down to get their horses, to try to catch up to Rose, before she got to the village. Luckily for them she was not to the village gate just yet. Like they promised, they would just follow her, and keep low. Meanwhile Rose felt someone following her, but she thought that it was just her imagination. She walked around from stores, and booths along the road. Luckily she packed money that should last her for just a day. She came to this bread booth, she asked for a loaf of bread from the baker. He gave her a loaf and she paid for it.

Then she ran into this boy who was about her age, maybe a bit older. She of course apologized for running into him. He said he was very sorry too. Then Rose asked what his name was and he said Brayden. Then he asked what her name was? And she said Rose. Brayden said, “You have the same name as the princess.” She told him “yah, I guess I do, don’t I?” then she asked what fun things are there in the village, since she’s new. And he told her that there was a place just a little ways from there, where people sing in front of a crowd for fun and for free. So she asked him if he would take her there. Now our two princes were just a little jealous that their princess was talking to a really cute guy, and not to them! But they tried to calm down, so that they won’t blow it. So they calmed down, and followed them to the place.

Brayden and Rose finally arrived, and he asked her if she wanted to go sing up there? And she asked “really? Is that okay for me to sing up there?” he said “of course. Why don’t you go up there and sing your heart out!” she was so thrilled that she jumped up and ran on stage to sing. She sang a song from her memory before she was born.


My Baby whatever you are

I’ll still love everything about you

No matter if you are gloomy

or mad nor happy or sad

you’ll still be the same to me

if your gloom

I’ll be a clown and bring that smile around

If kids are mean

I’ll be there by your side

when you are sick

I’ll nurse you back to health

Oh your gonna be the best

you won’t have any problems

I will take them all from you

I love you forever

you will make me very happy

by just being around

I know you the best

everyone will adore you

no one will leave you out

if they do I’ll comfort you

my child I love you so

I’ll never leave you alone

I will kiss your owees

I will make it all better

for you we can reach the stars

we can do anything we want

if we have you by ourside

cheering along

We Love you

till the end of time”

When she was done singing, everyone applauded. Brayden went up to her and told her she was great. Then asked where she got that song from? She replied saying that she doesn’t remember but it might have been her mother who sang it before she was born. Paul and Jaren were both shocked by her singing that beautiful song. That they wanted to run and tell her that she had an amazing voice and that the song she sang was amazing as well, but disappointed that they couldn’t once again. She thanked Brayden for taking her there. Then she asked him if there were any more fun places? And then he told her that there was a horse race competition. If she wanted to go see him race in it? Rose thought about it for a moment, and said why not? Then they went to the race. Both Jaren and Paul were so jealous. That they just had to follow them. They tried to get their emotions under control.

Once they were all at the race Brayden left her at the gate, and went to get ready for the race. While he was gone Rose thought to herself about how different regular people were to royals. Then she thought aloud how she liked that about Brayden (or the guy she just met). Paul and Jaren tried even harder to control their emotions from coming out. But they took in what she said about Brayden. So what they thought was to try to act like Brayden, to win her over. All of a sudden the announcer come on and said “on your marks, get set, GO!!!” Rose looked for Brayden. All of a sudden she found him in the lead going really fast! She cheered and rooted for him, which was the first time she could do something like that. So she was enjoying herself very much. Brayden took first place. She went up to congratulate him. Apparently first place gets money for winning. She then asked what he was going to do with all that money he won. He replied saying, “I’m going to donate all this money to the orphanage that I grew up in.” she was so shocked and felt sorry for him. “I didn’t know that, I’m sorry. But you do have a great heart.” He told her that it was fine and that he turned out just fine. They walked for a while then she remembered what her father said, when she needed to be home. They both saw it was getting dark, and she told him that she needed to go home. Before she left she asked him if they could be friends. And he said that he would love that. She then turned around, after saying goodbye and started to run to her horse. Sparks and Rose both went home.

When she got to the gate the guards asked who she was and if she had a pass to get in. She told them that she was the princess and showed them her royal pass. So they let her in, they announced her to the king and queen. Queen Grettalee with the worry in her eyes slowly fading. She ran to her daughter and embraced her with all her might. Shortly afterwards her father came to join them. Her mother finally got it together. Rose saw that look in her mother’s eyes, and knew she was in big trouble. So she quickly prepared herself for the harsh words, and actions to come. To all of their surprise she just stood up and said “I’m so glad you are home and safe. I bet you’re tired, so why don’t you go upstairs and get some rest for tomorrow.” They were all shocked by that, that they stood there for a moment. Then they all snapped out of it, and Rose hurried upstairs to go to bed.

Once they knew she was in her room, the king asked for the guards to show in the two princes. The two guards came in and brought Jaren and Paul in with them. Finally when they were in, king Harold asked them if she got into any trouble? Then asked what exactly she did out there? They were both just a little nervous to tell the story that they wish to forget. But they told him nonetheless. After they were done with the story, they watched the kings expression and reaction. Much to their surprise the king started laughing, and was quite calm about the whole thing. They asked him what that was about? He just smiled and told them that it was a success to let her go to the village. He also told them that it was good that she made a friend in the village, without being the princess. And that she now knows what the village is like, and how it works. When they were done talking, the king told both of them that they should go home now. So they did, after they said “goodnight, and see you later.”

Later that night, Rose woke up from a nightmare. She was a little startled, that rose was still shaking. Right then a guard came running in to see if she was alright. She saw the guard, and reassuring herself that it was just a dream, she then told the guard that everything was fine. After the guard left she laid down and fell back asleep. The next day came, Rose woke up and went down for breakfast. When she got down to the dinning hall, where breakfast was served, her parents were already there and just waiting for her to come. They all sat down to eat. All of a sudden her father asked her about how it went in the village? She paused for a moment trying to get what happened in her head. Then she told them all about it. Then she asked her mother if she ever sang while she was pregnant, with her? Grettalee was surprised at the question that she started turning pale. They both noticed and Rose told her to forget it. After a few minutes passed, the queen’s color returned. Then Rose asked if she could be excused from the table? Both her parents said it was alright for her to leave. When she was gone, Grettalee asked Harold if their daughter is finding out that they weren’t her biological parents? But Harold trying to comfort his wife told her that it couldn’t be that. And that she was just curious if you sang her songs. And told her not to worry about it. So she didn’t.

Well Rose went to the stables to talk to Sparks. Right when she walked in the door, she rammed right into someone. No sooner did she recognize the person as Brayden! After they both realized who they both ran into, they stood there like statues. Finally breaking the silence, she asked him what he was doing there? He told her that he works there as the new stable boy. Then he asked what she was doing there? She told him the truth that she lives here. He then asked if she was the actual princess Rose? Feeling a little shy, she told him yes. He was stunned, that he didn’t know what to do. So then he bowed and said, “Your Majesty.” she then tried telling him that he didn’t have to do that since they are friends. But he was trying to tell her that its what he is supposed to do. Then he told her, “since you told me that I don’t have to do that, I won’t so don’t worry.” Then they started laughing. Right then Both Jaren and Paul came in pushing and bickering. Once they heard laughing they stopped. They turned and saw Rose smiling and giggling. Then they saw that guy from the other day. Both of them were so jealous, that without thinking they ran and punched him in the face. “What the heck happened here? And where did you guys come from?” asked Rose. After realizing what they did, they knew what would happen so they ran away. She was shocked at their behavior that she stood there for a moment and than ran after them! Finally catching up to them, she told them to stop! As soon as they stopped, she walked up to both of them and hit both of them in the face. Out of no where she started giving them a lecture on their behavior. All of a sudden she remembered about Brayden who was still in the stable out cold. Stopping her lecture she rushed back to Brayden to see if he was okay? Both Jaren and Paul were surprised that she hit them, “and” gave them a lecture. They didn’t know she was going to act like that.

Once she got back, Brayden was coming “to”. He got up and asked her who they were, that punched him? All she could tell him was that they were princes. And that she didn’t know why they did that. He was okay with that answer. So he left it alone, because he could tell how much this conversation bothered her. But on his own time he would try to figure out why they did that to him. Rose felt a little relieved with his response, that she felt a little at peace. When she left Brayden. Jaren and Paul both came to see him. Brayden saw them, and asked why they did that? They were both surprised at his confidence, and courage.

All of a sudden they heard someone ask, where Rose was? They all turned around to see who it was. Once he had all of their attention he asked again. Being brave enough to talk to this stranger Brayden told him that she might be inside. He left right after he got his answer. Of course, they all wanted to know who this handsome person was. Since they didn’t have time to ask him before he left.

Rose was walking in the garden, looking at the flowers. When she turned around, she saw a person she hadn’t seen in forever! “Is that you Mason?! It is!” Mason then asked, “did you miss me? How have you been lately?” she replied saying, “yes, I’ve missed you! What did you think, that I wouldn’t?!” he laughed a bit. When they both realized that they weren’t alone, they turned to see who else was there. It was none other than Jaren and Paul. They both asked who he was? She said, “you don’t know? He’s Prince Mason McCloudy, my best friend, from my childhood! You really don’t know who he is?” Both replying “No.” Mason asked if she would introduce him to her other friends? She said, “oh thats a great idea! Okay, this is Prince Jaren De’Classic, and this is Prince Paul Pittsington, they are friends of mine.” “We are both courting Rose. So you better believe it!” said Jaren and Paul. Mason was a little shocked at what they said. But he wasn’t surprised that he would have competition over Rose. He told both of them that it was a pleasure to meet them. Rose asked Mason if he said Hi to her parents yet? He of course said No. She then told him that he better go say hello, to them. Paul and Jaren both wanted to go along too. But Rose told them to wait outside. Mason smirked a little, at the thought that he would be alone with Rose and her parents.

They found her parents in the library. Her parents were so excited to see Mason back for a visit. That they asked how he was doing? He told them that he has been doing just fine, and told them that he was happy to be back. Harold was happy and told him not to worry, and that he could stay with them for as long as he needs. And that, they would be happy if he would stay with them for the time being. Even Rose was happy about that suggestion that he just had to accept their very kind offer. As well as to be under the same roof as her. Which would bump him into being a lot closer to her than the others. That and he would have the opportunity to catch up with her for the time they haven’t seen each other for. He then asked Harold which room he would stay in? He responded saying it was the one on the other end of the hall that Roses room was on. When he heard that he tried to stop himself from blushing and jumping for joy. Grettalee chimed in saying that Rose will show him to his room. Rose accepted it because her mother told her except under some conditions, like blind dates, and if her father told her she could do something. But most of the time she obeyed.

Right after they said their goodbyes, she showed him right to his room. She also told him where her room was just in case he needed to ask for something, or to ask a question? He was overjoyed to find out where her room was. She opened his door, and showed him everything that was in his room. Right when she was about to leave he asked her if she wanted to go out riding with him, like the old days? She pondered for a moment, and said that it would be fun. Waiting for her to leave he leaped with joy and did the happy dance. He didn’t realize that she could hear him after she left his room.

When she went back outside to get some air, to her surprise both Paul and Jaren were still waiting there till she came back. When they realized Mason wasn’t with her, they asked what happened to him? So she told them the whole story, and she noticed that they were shocked. They asked her to give them a second and turned around to discuss. Paul told Jaren that Mason was one step ahead of them. Jaren agreed with Paul and asked what they would do now? He didn’t know what to do, for a change. Rose, getting annoyed with the both of them talking behind her back for too long, Yelled “Hey!” Scared they both turned their attention back to her. She then asked them what they had to talk about behind her back? They both replied saying that it was nothing. Then she asked “if it wasn’t important/anything, then why did you talk behind my back?” Of course they didn’t know how to reply so they just told her that they didn’t know why. She didn’t like their answer but she went along with it. Since it was the only answer that she would get out of them. Realizing how long it took her to chat, she said she would talk to them later and left toward the stables. They thought it a bit odd and followed.

When they got there Mason was in there talking to Rose. She then asked if he was ready for their ride? He said he was, so they got out, got on their horses, and rode off. Once they thought they were far enough they slowed down. Rose then asked what he’s been doing for the past years? He pondered and said that he’s been doing princely things, stuff to get him ready to be the rightful heir to the throne. Then she said “Oh, so the boring stuff, eh?” He laughed and said that it pretty much sums that up. He then asked her what happened with her, these past few years? She told him how her mother would set her up with blind dates with prince’s and how she would run out on it and go ride Sparks. He started to laugh but held it in. She was about ready to slug him. And then she continued with how her mother was trying to marry her off so fast. He couldn’t blame her mother becuase his mother did the same thing. Untill he told his mother about how he felt for Rose. Right then Rose asked why he was here visiting her family? He very well couldn’t tell her the truth, so he told her that he just wanted to see how her and her family were doing. Knowing that something was up with his response she let it go, but kept an eye on him. Then he asked her if she was choosing her groom yet? She was so shocked at that question that she didn’t know what to say.

After a minute or so has passed, she finally responded by telling him that she didn’t know? Well who would be her groom to be anyways, Mason once again was just so happy to hear that good news. She then asked him if there was anything that happened to him? He asked why, and she told him about his suspicious smile. So she was just curious if something happened or not. And of course he told her that nothing happened, and that he was smiling over nothing. She said “Okay” and left that weird conversation alone. He then asked her if she remembered when they were young they would go horseback riding when one, or both of them were upset? She laughed and said “yeah, I remember that, I also remember when my parents got mad at me for something I never did. And you would always go with me every time no matter what you were doing, you would always drop it and come. Thinking about it now I like that trait you had, that made me feel like I was very important to you at that time. Oh yeah, I want to know, do you have a girlfriend yet?” He was shocked yet happy to hear her ask that, so he told her, No, and that he doesn’t have any girlfriends at this time but, that he does like someone, and that he hasn’t told the girl, that he likes her? He told her that he hasn’t found the right time to tell her yet. She then asked who it was? He said that he wouldn’t tell her until he told the girl that he liked her. Being very disappointed said “okay”.

To get it to a different subject Mason asked what the other two guys meant to Rose? She replied saying that she didn’t know but she felt that they were very good friends. Thinking to himself he thought that he still has a chance. Then she asked how his parents were doing? He responded saying that they’ve been fine. She was glad to hear that. Then she told him all about her adventure in the village awhile ago. He thought to himself thinking, “it looks like she has a lot of fun without me”. Which of course made him a little upset. It didn’t show, so she couldn’t tell. She asked him if he had any adventures kind of like that? He told her no, but that he did meet a very old wizard. He also told her about the time the wizard turned a flower into something special. She was so amazed at this news that, she had to close her mouth, and remember how to breathe. Once she caught her breathe she told him that his adventure was so much cooler than her adventure.

When they both realized, that they should probably get back. So they got on their horses and rode back to the stables. When they got back, to Roses surprise Reagan, one of her closest/bestest friend, was in a panic breakdown when she saw her. Reagan, once she saw Rose ride up screamed and rushed to her. When she saw Mason riding in behind her, she calmed down right before Rose asked her what she was doing there? Reagan told her about how once again her date ditched her. After hearing that she said sorry to Mason and left with Reagan to her room. Mason was okay with it and let her. In a way he really wanted to know what girls actually talk about behind the guys backs, but he controlled himself.

When they both arrived in Roses room, she asked Reagan to explain her situation again. Reagan told her again, and then asked her what Mason was doing back? As if her question was so simple. Rose thought for a moment but told her that it was because he just wanted to pay a visit to her family. Even Reagan knew that there was something fishy in Masons visit. But didn’t highlight on that anymore. Instead she asked Rose what was going on with her, and her suitors? Rose didn’t know how to reply to that question so she tried getting the subject off of her. Which of course failed once again. Reagan was the type of person to get right to the point, and one who wants all the details. Rose tried to tell her that she really doesn’t want to get married. But once again trying to knock some sense into her, Reagan tells her that at least they don’t flake out on a date. Having to admit to that, was the least she could do, considering, that it was true.

But then all of a sudden, out of nowhere her dad came in. They were so shocked that they screamed so loud. After they were done screaming off their heads, her dad told them dinner was almost done. As well as that he would tell the cook to set an extra place for Reagan. They said ok, and told him that he could leave now. So he left them, and right after he closed the door they started laughing hysterically. Because they both weren’t expecting her dad to come in.

Right when they walked in the dining room they saw her parents talking to each other. Grettalee noticed them and motioned for them to sit down. Reagan asked if they were going to start eating? A few seconds passed until Harold told them they were waiting for one more person to come. She then asked who it was? Just then Mason walked in and then apologized for being so late, he then turned toward Rose and smiled. Surprised and shocked by this she sort of blushed at it. Realizing what was going on Reagan nudged Rose to bring her back to her sense’s. Once Rose felt the nudge and came back to her sense’s. Then supper was served. Mason, after finishing his food, he then complimented on the food. He also felt the urge to tell the cook in person how delicious the meal was! Rose for once agreed that the meal was extra-extraordinarily good that day. Hearing both his daughter and one of the guests say this, he also had to compliment her as well!

So as a whole dinner party they all went down to compliment their cook. Who at that moment was relaxing from standing the whole day, from cooking all the meals. When she saw everyone come down she was so surprised that she nearly fell out of her chair. Harold was the first to try to calm her down to tell her that the food was extraordinary. Once she calmed down she bowed and was very thankful for the compliments on her work. She never would have thought this day would come no matter what. Rose than asked her if she could give her a hug out of gratitude? The cook said she would love one, so Rose gave her a big hug. Right after, Mason bowed to her thanking her for the food she made. They all left, so she could go back to relaxing after all her work.

As soon as they got back up stairs they said goodnight to each other and went to their rooms. Rose and Reagan got to her room, and started to get ready for bed. Once they were both done getting ready, Reagan asked if Rose liked anyone? Rose just shrugged and said she doesn’t know yet? Then she asked Reagan if she had any crushes yet? Instead of answering her question she just laughed. To be the one who was responsible, Reagan told her that they should go to bed. Since they need to get as much sleep as they could get.

The next morning came quicker than they thought. When both Reagan and Rose were awake they both went down to eat breakfast. Reagan was surprised that Rose’s parents already ate. In her mind she thought that they all ate together for all of their meals. All of a sudden Mason came in to eat as well as both of them. Rose of course wasn’t shocked at seeing Mason as Reagan was. To try to start a conversation Mason asked how they slept last night? They both said good, then they asked what about him? He said he slept really well that night. Rose told the cook that they were ready for breakfast. So the cook put all the stuff together. And then she brought the breakfast up to them. Rose thought the cook was wonderful at making dishes. Once Reagan was done eating she asked Rose if they could go for a walk in the garden to discuss some things? Of course she said alright.

Knowing they were alone Reagan started crying. Trying to comfort her, Rose asked her what was the matter? She told Rose that she thinks she will become an Old maid. And that no one wants to even marry/date her. Then she brought up how all her dates ditched her. Trying to counter Reagan, Rose commented saying that they might have had something come up. Which perked and calmed her a bit, even though it may have hit one of her nerves. Noticing her reaction, Rose commented on a gorgeous tulip that caught her eye. Reagan agreed with her comment.

As they were making their way back to the door they saw Reagan’s Father, King Gregory Trabush, in the doorway. When they were close enough he told Reagan that he was picking her up. She asked if she could stay for just a little longer? And he told her “NO”. So she turned to Rose and said “see you later”. Rose gave her a hug and told her that they will see each other again. She then watched as Reagan left.

Once Reagan was gone Rose went inside to go read a book in the study. But before she made it to the door, her mother came up to her and asked her to follow. Without questions, she followed, knowing she would be in trouble if she didn’t do what her mother told her to do. Once they came to the garden door, Rose finally asked her mother what was going on. Well Grettalee didn’t answer Rose’s question, but asked instead what was going on with Jaren, Paul, and Mason? Well a little stunned at that reply and question, Rose finally told her mother that she really didn’t know that answer herself. Her mom then reworded the question to “do they all like you?” Rose answered that they probably do? And that she really doesn’t know. Well with so little to work with Grettalee finally gave up that subject. Rose then asked if it was alright if she went to the study now. Her mom said it was alright.

So once again she headed for the study and this time she made it, without anyone stopping her. In which she found Paul sitting on the couch reading a book. She found it interesting, to find another person reading a book as well. Trying not to disturb him she walked slowly and tried to be as quiet as a mouse. But of course that didn’t work and as soon as she made it to the couch he looked up from his book and said “Hi”. She of course said hi back. Paul was kind of glad that he had company especially with Rose’s and not the other guys in the running to get her heart. He felt confident because he actually has something in common with her. After she said hi she started reading her book. The butler came in after some time to tell them that dinner was ready. So they put down their books and left to go get dinner.

Once they arrived in the dinning room, Jaren and Mason were a little jealous. Jaren and Paul thanked Grettalee, Harold, and Rose for inviting them for dinner. Of course pleased with their behavior Grettalee then asked if they would stay for dessert? They replied “of course, we would love to stay for dessert.” Rose was a little embarrassed at her mother’s request. Because she thought that it was obvious they would stay for dessert. For Rose it was kind of a painful dinner to sit through. Because she really felt the pressure from everyone, but her father who understood her the best. Once dessert was served, that was when each boy tried to describe how much the dessert was like Rose. The only boy to not do it was Mason. Instead Mason described her as a beautiful, precious, and unique flower, in which only blooms when the flower feels like it is ready to blossom. At that remark Rose gave a little blush. Right after finishing her dessert Rose asked to be excused from the table? The only one to get the hint was her father, so he told her it was fine by him.

So she left the table as politely as she could. As she turned the corner she paused for a moment trying to listen into the conversation that they would have with out the pressure of her appearance. But she gave up, because she couldn’t hear anything but laughing, and because her legs were getting tired of standing. Once she made it to her room, all she could think about was plopping on her bed and falling asleep. Which in fact is just what she did.

The next morning came so fast that she didn’t know what to do with it. So she did what she does with every morning that comes her way. As she was going down the stairs she heard voices coming from the bottom of the steps. When she was far enough to see, it gave her such a shock to find out who it was at the bottom.

It was none other than her father the king talking with Prince Mason. They were talking about how their alliance with each other was doing. With out realizing it she missed a step, slipped, and fell down the rest of the way, which indeed almost scared the living daylights out of her father and Mason. Without hesitation though, both of them went running to help her up, and to see if she was alright. Once again she insisted that she was just fine, but her father told her “No”, then he told Mason to pick her up and to carry her to the infirmary to be checked by the doctor and nurses. Harold, of course trusted Mason with his little girl, so he left them to tell the Queen, his wife, and her mother of what just happened.

Rose was a little embarrassed of being carried by Mason. Before they got to the door the nurses came running to take her in so the doctor could have a look at Rose. They did every test that they could think of. All of the results came out negative. Rose tried telling Mason that, “she told them so”. But after seeing his face relax a bit, she stopped. Instead she asked what was going on with his face? Then trying to comfort him she joked how it was just down some stairs. He did not like her joking about falling down the stairs. That of course shut her up right then and there.

The king and queen came running in out of no where, but of course they were out of breathe from running so fast. The queen asked if she was alright, the doctor told her that Rose was just fine but, that they should still keep an eye on her. So this kind of accident doesn’t happen again. They agreed and told Mason to stay with Rose and to watch her very closely. Mason was quick to say yes, that Rose didn’t have enough time to reject. Which made her feel like she didn’t have a word in edge wise. Because apparently she didn’t have any say, at all. But instead of having a complete meltdown she just had to go along with it just for today. After she composed herself together she asked if she could get along with her day, and if she could just leave the infirmary. Her parents had the strangest looks on their faces when she asked that. She thought that her parents silence meant that she could, so she got up and left the infirmary with of course Mason right behind her.

Rose really hated when people followed her, or when they treat her as something fragile, which makes her feel that they don’t think that she can take care of herself and her body. But she let this one slide, seeing how it was her wish to have Mason caring about her, but that was when she was turning 8-years old. Now that she thinks about it, it was a foolish wish to make at that age. Still in her heart she felt warm fuzzy feelings inside, that she hasn’t felt for awhile. Rose knew she still needed to decide between them all, for who will be her fiancé.

After trying so hard to figure out something, she had a big headache that led her back to the idea of just dating all of them, and then let her heart decide for her in the long run, when it really counts. She then came back to reality, which meant all the papers she has to go through, still. Mason asked her if she was okay after seeing her in some kind of pain. Rose said she was fine and mentioned it might have been some papers that she may have read or seen. He didn’t bother to disturb her any further so he found a book, just sat down, and read while still keeping an eye on her like he promised to her parents.

After some time had passed Rose was just a little curious if the book Mason was reading was good or not, because it seemed like he was stuck on the same page. So she got the courage and asked him, with just a little concern in her voice. It gave him a minute to process that she was asking him a question, that apparently needed an answer. He finally answered saying, “I kind of hoped you wouldn’t have noticed that. But personally, I just don’t understand it at all. So I guess that means I don’t like this book?” Out of shock, she asked if he wanted to go take a stroll. He said sure, then he asked her if she was coming? Of course she thought he understood her question, but instead she simply said, “I can’t go because I have a lot of work to get done. I’ve been slacking off so much that it just kept piling up higher and higher, so I just have to do it today.” He apparently had no problem with that, so he just sat back down and stared into thin air. Not knowing what to do she just got back to her paper work.

A couple hours passed and unexpectedly Rose fell asleep doing her paper work. Mason found a blanket and put it over her shoulders so she wouldn’t catch a cold. Then he sat back down and just stared at her while she slept, waiting for her to wake up. In his mind he thought she looked very pretty sleeping. And he felt like he could look at her forever. He personally felt that time could stop there.

All of a sudden out of nowhere the butler came in, which came the slamming door after him. He tried to warn the butler to not slam the door, but it was too late. Rose sat up so quick when the door slammed, that her hair was a little messy. She then asked what happened? The butler told her that her father was wondering how she was doing since the incident. While she was about to tell him, Mason told the butler to tell the king that she took plenty of rest and that she was just fine at the moment. The butler said alright, and left to tell the king. Rose was a little pissed that Mason interrupted her and said a little too much. But of course she did think of slugging him, for what he did. Which of course she didn’t do, but she still thought about doing it though. Instead she just laughed it off like there was something that he missed, that was so funny. Just as she planned he looked a little confused. Rose went right back to work, while Mason went back to pretending to read. After a few hours had passed, her stomach growled so loud that it echoed. He was tempted to ask where the loud growl came from, but he already knew. That and he didn’t want her to be upset at him. So instead he thought about asking if she was hungry. Not saying anything they both got up and went to the dinning room to see if they could get something to eat.

Luckily there was someone there that they could ask. They asked the maid, and she told them that she would go tell the cook to make them something to eat. She left, leaving the two alone.

All of a sudden Paul and Jaren came into the dinning room with a butler and a guard on their tales. Once they were in Rose’s sight, they asked her to tell the butler and guard that they are allowed to come in. She was tempted not to do it, but she told them that they were allowed and left it at that. Mason on the other hand was a little mad that the duo was ruining his day with her. Paul asked Rose how she was feeling. Confused she said she was alright, then asked why he would ask that? So he told her how he heard about her fall down the stairs. Surprisingly she wasn’t too shocked at that answer, she kind of expected it. She was just hoping it would have just passed by people’s ears. Then Mason tried to break the ice by asking the duo what they were doing here? Both replied saying “we could ask you the same question. But we are just here to see if she was alright. And you?” He told them how the king told him to keep an eye on Rose, which meant to stay by her side until he said otherwise. You could see the hint of Jealousy in both of their eyes. Seeing that made Mason feel proud of himself. Rose was kind of getting annoyed with their conversation that she told them to leave, so she could get back to work, without any more distractions. They both noticed she was a little mad, so they both left at her request. Mason was happy, but he saw her look and kept his distance. To make sure he wouldn’t get on her bad side at this point.

She went through a lot of paper work before she said that she was going to the stables for awhile. After hearing that, he was still so worried that he got up and followed her, even though she told him she would be fine because there would be someone down there. Even though he was following her he was trying to not be noticed, so he stayed pretty much in her shadow all the way to the stables. When Rose got to the stables she looked behind her to make sure he didn’t follow her. She then went inside.

Immediately she spotted Brayden out and started to try and get his attention. Once she finally got his attention she started walking towards him until he told her to stay where she was, he also told her that he would come to her instead. So she just stopped. Mason was surprised at this news he just found out. To him he thought he had just found another rival for Rose’s hand. Little did he know that Brayden was not as big as a threat that he thinks he is. Brayden finally made it to where she was standing. He then asked what she was doing here? She replied saying that she needed someone to talk to in whom she trusted. He just laughed a little bit and then he put on his serious face to listen to Rose.

Well first she started saying how she fell down the stairs and how she hated having someone watch her 24-7, all the time! Then she mentioned how she has two guys trying to get her to choose between the two of them. She also mentioned how her friend Mason was visiting, which she enjoyed but it was the worst timing when he came. And how she is still trying to figure out what his reason was for coming to visit and stay over. Brayden tried telling her to not over think it. Of course she tried to listen to him but she struggled for just a little bit until she took a deep breath and released all her thoughts. After she calmed down she thanked him for his great advise. He was a little happy that she finally calmed down, and hoped she wouldn’t over think any thing more.

He asked if she was okay after her fall? Getting really annoyed at people asking her. She said she was just fine. In his defense he tried to explain that it was just a question, after hearing she fell down the stairs. She felt bad, and tried to apologize for freaking out on him, that she didn’t mean it that way. Being the best he just shrugged it off like nothing ever happened. Bringing to her attention Brayden mentioned that Sparks was starting to miss Rose from riding him. So she went over to Sparks to say hi to him.

When she got to him, he was trying to make his way to her. She gave him a carrot, as she rubbed, and patted him. Sparks was so ecstatic to see Rose again. After looking him in the eyes she finally decided to ride him for a little stroll. Brayden helped her saddle Sparks, and gave her a hand up. Being polite she thanked him for bringing this to her attention. Then she rode Sparks out of the stables. Mason dodged into some bushes, trying not to be seen.

He then went into the stable and asked if he could ride on a fast horse, but one that can be quite. Well Brayden for a second didn’t understand what he was talking about. Mason gave up and just asked about a horse that he could ride. Brayden apologized and then got a horse in which Mason could ride on. Once he got the horse, without notice, Mason jumped on the horse and galloped off.

Rose felt like she could relax and be herself again riding Sparks. She didn’t really want to go back, but she knew that she would eventually have to go back. All of a sudden she heard a branch snap, she turned back but didn’t see anything, or anyone at all. Which made her feel a little scared, that she turned around and headed back to the stable. Mason felt stupid that the branch snapped underneath his horse. Luckily he wasn’t caught. But now he has to catch up with her, but not too close. While she was making it back, she was very observant, of her surroundings.

Making it to the stables Rose felt relieved and a lot safer. Brayden met her at the stable door. He looked a little stressed when she came closer. After a moment he asked if she had seen a strange man riding Lightning? She replied saying, “No I didn’t see anyone on my ride. Wait....... but I did hear a branch snapping on my ride.....but I still saw nobody.” Brayden and Rose both thought it was strange. Out of nowhere Mason came in riding, Lightning.

Of course not knowing that Rose was still in there he rode in anyways. Rose than asked Brayden if that was who he was talking about. He of course said, “Ya, that’s him.” She shook her head in disappointment. She came up so close to Mason that it scared the crap out of him. He than tried to explain but nothing he said would make her believe him.

She finally lost it, that she had to walk away from the situation. Mason ran after her trying to apologize. Rose couldn’t face him, or talk to him, so she just didn’t turn around. Until he stopped calling out for her. When she turned around they were face-to-face. Trying to take a step back she tripped and started to fall down when he caught her in mid-fall. He brought her back up, then let go. She told him how he scared her, and thanked him for catching her. Replying, “it was my pleasure catching you. And I’m sorry if I scared you.” All of a sudden she felt bad for treating him that way and for saying that he scared her.

Mason then asked her if he could once again explain, and to apologize to her. For a second she just stood there not really knowing what to say to that. But once her thoughts were cleared, she agreed to hear him out this time. Rose than told him that he better start talking, so he did. He explained how he was just worried about her. And that he was just keeping an eye on her, because the king wanted him to, and because he wanted to make sure she was safe. He also apologized about not listening to her and asked for her forgiveness, as well as that he understood why she wouldn’t forgive him. She could sense the sincerity in the explanation and his apology, that she forgave him, but she clearly told him that she can protect herself and to not worry over her. Mason than clearly told her that he wants to worry about her. That one line made her heart pound, and it also made her blush. He saw that she was turning red and asked if she was feeling well. Of course not realizing that he asked, she just said, “uh-huh.” Mason couldn’t help himself from laughing at how she replied, that when he started laughing it snapped Rose back to earth. Once she had control she was so embarrassed that she kind of got a little mad and just ran away toward the doors.

Once she got there she tried to open up the doors before Mason caught up. After getting the doors open she ran into Reagan, in another complete melt down. But to Roses surprise Reagan was acting worse than any other meltdowns she’s had. Rose asked what was wrong. Reagan replied saying, “my parents yelled at me for being immature about relationships. They also told me that I act like a kid and not my age. And they just don’t understand anything that’s going on! What should I do?” Just a little shocked Rose didn’t know how to respond to this problem. Instead of saying “I don’t know?” she told Reagan that she needed to talk this problem out with her parents. Reagan tried telling her that she didn’t want to go back, and that she didn’t want to go back, and that there was no way she could be persuaded to go back.

Rose gave up arguing with her that she told her to tell her parents that she would stay at her place, so they won’t get too worried sick about her. She of course refused that, but Rose told Reagan’s parents for her instead. Of course Reagan’s parents thought it was fine to let Reagan stay over for awhile. They also told Rose thank you for telling them where she was.

Once she got back, Reagan then asked Rose where she was. But Rose couldn’t tell her that she was telling Reagan’s parents where she was, so she said bathroom. To her surprise Reagan said alright, and didn’t question it any further.

Breaking the silence there was a knock at the door. So once Rose opened the door. Mason put his foot in the doorway. Hoping she wouldn’t slam the door on him. Looking at Mason’s attempt, she couldn’t close the door on him. Once he had a second he opened the door up a little bit. Then he looked her in the eyes and said he was so sorry for making her embarrassed and for laughing at her. Right after he said that he looked over her shoulder, and then he blushed from embarrassment. She then turned around to see Reagan standing there laughing her head off.

Mason finally pulled himself together to say hi to Reagan and Rose. He then told them that he will leave them to what they were doing before he interrupted. He told them bye, and left. But before he could take a step away Rose grabbed his hand and he turned around.

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559 Reviews

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Sun May 31, 2020 3:20 pm
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Tenyo wrote a review...

Hey Sweetpea6skeen!

I like the narration of this. It has quite a fairy tale quality to it that makes it nice to read. You include a fair amount of description about the characters and what they're doing, and that detail that really fleshes it out and brings the characters to life.

The setting confused me a bit. At first I thought it was a different universe, or maybe an older time period, until the mention of MCR which completely threw me. If I'm honest I think it might be better to drop the modern references and leave it as an ambiguous time period. I'm also not sure where the reference to Repunzel comes from, but I suppose that might come later in the story.

I absolutely adore Reagan, and the relationship between her and Rose. It feels like the two have these really complicated lives going on, especially with their families and their romantic pursuits, until they spend time on their own with each other and they seem to have this very intimate, private world between them that nobody else can touch and it's quite wonderful. Rose is bold and sassy and Reagan is emotional, and when they're together they fit so well.

I agree with Soundofmind that this is quite long. Some of the paragraphs are lengthy and a bit hard to read.

I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for posting! Feel free to tag me if you decide to put up the next part!

I love that you understood Reagan and Rose's personality's. Thank you for reading it though it is super long, I really appreciate it. I've just wanted people to be able to read my work. I wrote this awhile ago, I get that its long, so I will try and work my best to break it up a bit more, and let you know more about the setting. Thanks for your honest comments. It means the world to me. And I will definitely tag you when I decide to put up the next part, in which I'm currently still working on.

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Sun May 31, 2020 1:36 pm
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soundofmind wrote a review...

Hey sweetpea!

I'm here to review your story, but before I hop in, I want to give you a quick tip! Before I even read this I looked at it and felt overwhelmed because it is quite long. Typically when people post chapters/parts I'd recommend keeping them somewhere under 3,000 words because when you get over that, the piece can be too big and daunting (and time-consuming) for people to want to review. It's easier to manage in smaller chunks! So next time you post a part of this story, maybe chop it into smaller parts! That might be why no one's looked at this yet. It can feel really overwhelming to look at a story part that's over 12,000 words (I did throw it into a word counter to see what I was getting into), especially when you want to take the time to give a good review!

But with all that said - onto the story!

The first thing I noticed while reading is that you repeat a lot of the same sentence structures and use a lot of clauses (incomplete sentences). It makes the pacing feel a bit choppy, so it might be good to see what sentences could be combined or reworded to help with the flow! Variation in sentence structure can help a lot with readability.

While reading this I'm noticing it definitely feels like a fairytale-type story, but the way that it's written almost feels like the way someone might tell the story out loud. It's a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. You gloss over a lot of details and there's not a lot of description, so what things look like and the specifics of the setting are pretty much left up to the imagination. It would help a lot with reader engagement if you did more showing - i.e. writing out their conversation, instead of just saying "they talked about horses and how they felt free while riding."

Describing things helps the story to feel more immersive! Don't just tell us that they went on a ride on their horses. Describe the scenery the passed! Use sensory descriptions! What does the air feel like? What's the weather like? Are there any smells in the air?

I think your writing style in addition to the fact that this is so long makes it feel like a lot is happening. Because you've done a lot more telling than showing I don't feel particularly emotionally invested in the characters, nor do I know their personalities very well.

Mostly they did everything together. Except going to the bathroom, and sleeping together.

This part gave me a good chuckle. I feel like no one would assume that doing everything together means LITERALLY everything, but it's funny that you specify anyway haha.

Also - another thing that would help so much with readability is putting new lines of dialogue with new characters speaking on a new line. It's standard for writing to do so, and it breaks up massive paragraphs and gives the eyes a break.

Here's an example of how you could reformat it:
During dinner she was just silently eating up her food, until Jaren tried talking to her. She just tried ignoring him, until her mother nudged her in the side. Then Jaren asked her, “how she was doing?” replying, said, “I’ve been doing just fine, not that it matters to you?!” he replied saying, “I was just asking since the last time I knew you were locked in your room, for a while, I was just worried. Nothing else, so don’t be cranky!” her dad trying to get them off the subject asked what Jaren’s hobbies were?

Here's your original excerpt. All the dialogue runs together in one paragraph and gets confusing!
During dinner she was just silently eating up her food, until Jaren tried talking to her. She just tried ignoring him, until her mother nudged her in the side.

"How is she doing?” Jaren asked.

“I’ve been doing just fine, not that it matters to you!” Rose replied.

“I was just asking since the last time I knew you were locked in your room for a while," Jaren said. "I was just worried. Nothing else, so don’t be cranky!”

"Jared, what are your hobbies?" Her dad chimed in, trying to get them off the subject.

See how much easier that is to read?

I also noticed you use a lot of question marks at the end of sentences and dialogue that aren't questions. A lot of the places you have question marks you could easily substitute with periods!

I think you have an interesting story here, but I think my biggest point of feedback is to consider cutting this up into parts and reposting it in smaller ones so you can get better, more specific feedback!

I hope you have a nice day! Keep writing!
-sound :)

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the things you said. I wrote this forever ago, and I can see and understand what you are saying. I will take your advice and I will cherish it as I continue to write. Thank you for taking the time to read it though it may be super long, I will cut it up more so that it isn't so much to read, and will satisfy the readers eyes more instead of giving them a headache.

We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway