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Weird Rapunzel: Chapter 1 The Beginning

by sweetpea6skeen

Once upon a time there lived a farmer named Calvin Grainith, and his gorgeous wife Beatrice Grainith. They were so in love and desperate to have a child. Especially even knowing, after that freak accident Beatrice and her best friend Grettalee were in 9 years ago, making it near to impossible to conceive. Knowing the odds had been stacked against them, they still clung to the sliver of hope that was placed before them.

Beatrice was getting less hopeful after each failure. "I don't think we are going to get pregnant. This is destiny telling me that I'm not destined to have a child with you. Maybe we should just give up. I don't think I can handle another disappointment." a depressed Beatrice told her husband.

However, Calvin was always there by her side to cheer her up. "We knew this would be hard when we started trying. But I also know that we were meant to have a kid running around this cramped little house we have here. Sure we haven't gotten pregnant yet but lets keep trying. I know this is hard on you, seeing how you have always dreamt of having a family. Lets just try at least one more time and if we still can't get pregnant we can take a break. How is that?"

Being reluctant Beatrice agreed.

After several failures, Beatrice finally got pregnant. Ecstatic, they told all their family, friends, and neighbors about the grand news.

Not pleased with the joyous news, was none other than Grettalee. Now Queen Grettalee Locktoesian and King Harold Locktoesian used to be friends with Calvin and Beatrice until the terrible freak accident that occurred in their youth, making it impossible for her or Beatrice to bare any children.

So, when she heard that Beatrice was with child she was so furious that anything and everything that was in arms reach was not safe, seeing how she threw and smashed everything.

Once Harold was informed of the news he rushed to Grettalee’s side, knowing just how upset she would be.

Attempting to calm her down Harold asked, “Honey, what can I do to make you feel better?”

Furious she yelled, “If only I was the one with child, instead of her! Wait....." She thought for a moment and came up with a brilliant idea. "What if we take their baby when its born, then we will have the baby and not them."

"Honey Bear, can we go and take their baby?” she pleaded with her husband

Trying to comfort, told her, “Anything you want, as long as it will make you feel better.”

So, they decided to take a trip down to visit their dear old friends, Calvin and Beatrice, to inform them of what was to come.

It was a long and vigorous carriage ride, but Grettalee just kept thinking about how happy she was going to be when she will see their faces as they tell them of the plans. Arriving, they got off the carriage, then directly entered their dear old friends home without knocking.

Instead of how de do’s, Grettalee told them, “We are here for your repayment to me. Which we decided, that we will be taking your baby when it is born.”

Shocked they replied firmly saying, “No! We will not let you take our baby. So you can kindly take your leave.” Then pointed toward the door.

“We will be back to take the baby when it’s born.” The King said in rage, as he and the Queen took their leave.

The farmer in an outrage told his wife, “We should run away to a place where they will never find us, that way we can protect our precious baby.”

“I absolutely agree. Honey, why don’t you grab that bag under the bed and pack some essentials. And I can pack some things for us to eat on the road.”

After packing, they hurried to escape hoping it wouldn't be too late. Just as they opened the door standing there were two palace guards towering over them. Discouraged they decided to return back inside.

Every day after the Queen and King arrived, Beatrice felt ever so nervous. The one thing that kept her mind off that, was the baby growing inside her every single day. Whenever her nerves would get the better of her she would sing while she would bake some delicious double chocolate cake. Which so happened to be what she craved the most during her pregnancy. Calvin would try to help ease her mind, by telling her of all the amazing things he saw while working out in the fields.

They would pray every night hoping that they could get a chance to runaway before the due date, but the guards would never budge. Their hopes were ever so dwindling by the seconds.

Beatrice felt joy when her baby first kicked inside of her, that she rushed to Calvin who was working in the fields and yelled, "She moved, our baby kicked me! Isn't that wonderful.”

Yelling back with joy, "That is amazing, will she do it again?!"

Not sure what to say, she yelled, "I don't know but maybe you should come over here to see!"

Nine months flew by and it was finally time for the precious baby to be born. Beatrice was in labor for what seemed like eternity. On the 14th hour of being in labor, a beautiful baby girl emerged. When she entered the world she started crying, Beatrice sang a lullaby to sooth and calm her down. As she sang, her baby started to coo, settle down, and fell fast asleep in her arms. Seeing his baby girl and wife interact, Calvin felt so happy and yet scared that at any moment Harold and Grettalee will walk in and take her away.

Not long after her birth, the king and queen arrived just as they had promised.

“We are here as promised, to take the child.” Queen Grettalee said triumphantly.

Beatrice being very afraid and protective said, “You can’t take her from us.”

“There is nothing you can do to stop us.” King Harold retorted. Then he pointed towards Calvin and his wife for the guards to hold them back, so that Grettalee could grab the baby.

“Here we go little one, from now on I’m going to be your new momma.” Grettalee told the baby, then turned and waved triumphantly, “Goodbye Beatrice and Calvin.”

Beatrice started to cry as her baby was ripped right out from her arms, and then disappeared out of sight.

The guards let them go once the king and queen had made their way back to the castle.

Is this a review?



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560 Reviews

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Reviews: 560

Sun May 31, 2020 3:20 pm
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Tenyo wrote a review...

Hey Sweetpea6skeen!

I like the narration of this. It has quite a fairy tale quality to it that makes it nice to read. You include a fair amount of description about the characters and what they're doing, and that detail that really fleshes it out and brings the characters to life.

The setting confused me a bit. At first I thought it was a different universe, or maybe an older time period, until the mention of MCR which completely threw me. If I'm honest I think it might be better to drop the modern references and leave it as an ambiguous time period. I'm also not sure where the reference to Repunzel comes from, but I suppose that might come later in the story.

I absolutely adore Reagan, and the relationship between her and Rose. It feels like the two have these really complicated lives going on, especially with their families and their romantic pursuits, until they spend time on their own with each other and they seem to have this very intimate, private world between them that nobody else can touch and it's quite wonderful. Rose is bold and sassy and Reagan is emotional, and when they're together they fit so well.

I agree with Soundofmind that this is quite long. Some of the paragraphs are lengthy and a bit hard to read.

I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for posting! Feel free to tag me if you decide to put up the next part!

sweetpea6skeen says...

I love that you understood Reagan and Rose's personality's. Thank you for reading it though it is super long, I really appreciate it. I've just wanted people to be able to read my work. I wrote this awhile ago, I get that its long, so I will try and work my best to break it up a bit more, and let you know more about the setting. Thanks for your honest comments. It means the world to me. And I will definitely tag you when I decide to put up the next part, in which I'm currently still working on.

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176 Reviews

Points: 3305
Reviews: 176

Sun May 31, 2020 1:36 pm
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soundofmind wrote a review...

Hey sweetpea!

I'm here to review your story, but before I hop in, I want to give you a quick tip! Before I even read this I looked at it and felt overwhelmed because it is quite long. Typically when people post chapters/parts I'd recommend keeping them somewhere under 3,000 words because when you get over that, the piece can be too big and daunting (and time-consuming) for people to want to review. It's easier to manage in smaller chunks! So next time you post a part of this story, maybe chop it into smaller parts! That might be why no one's looked at this yet. It can feel really overwhelming to look at a story part that's over 12,000 words (I did throw it into a word counter to see what I was getting into), especially when you want to take the time to give a good review!

But with all that said - onto the story!

The first thing I noticed while reading is that you repeat a lot of the same sentence structures and use a lot of clauses (incomplete sentences). It makes the pacing feel a bit choppy, so it might be good to see what sentences could be combined or reworded to help with the flow! Variation in sentence structure can help a lot with readability.

While reading this I'm noticing it definitely feels like a fairytale-type story, but the way that it's written almost feels like the way someone might tell the story out loud. It's a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. You gloss over a lot of details and there's not a lot of description, so what things look like and the specifics of the setting are pretty much left up to the imagination. It would help a lot with reader engagement if you did more showing - i.e. writing out their conversation, instead of just saying "they talked about horses and how they felt free while riding."

Describing things helps the story to feel more immersive! Don't just tell us that they went on a ride on their horses. Describe the scenery the passed! Use sensory descriptions! What does the air feel like? What's the weather like? Are there any smells in the air?

I think your writing style in addition to the fact that this is so long makes it feel like a lot is happening. Because you've done a lot more telling than showing I don't feel particularly emotionally invested in the characters, nor do I know their personalities very well.

Mostly they did everything together. Except going to the bathroom, and sleeping together.

This part gave me a good chuckle. I feel like no one would assume that doing everything together means LITERALLY everything, but it's funny that you specify anyway haha.

Also - another thing that would help so much with readability is putting new lines of dialogue with new characters speaking on a new line. It's standard for writing to do so, and it breaks up massive paragraphs and gives the eyes a break.

Here's an example of how you could reformat it:
During dinner she was just silently eating up her food, until Jaren tried talking to her. She just tried ignoring him, until her mother nudged her in the side. Then Jaren asked her, “how she was doing?” replying, said, “I’ve been doing just fine, not that it matters to you?!” he replied saying, “I was just asking since the last time I knew you were locked in your room, for a while, I was just worried. Nothing else, so don’t be cranky!” her dad trying to get them off the subject asked what Jaren’s hobbies were?

Here's your original excerpt. All the dialogue runs together in one paragraph and gets confusing!
During dinner she was just silently eating up her food, until Jaren tried talking to her. She just tried ignoring him, until her mother nudged her in the side.

"How is she doing?” Jaren asked.

“I’ve been doing just fine, not that it matters to you!” Rose replied.

“I was just asking since the last time I knew you were locked in your room for a while," Jaren said. "I was just worried. Nothing else, so don’t be cranky!”

"Jared, what are your hobbies?" Her dad chimed in, trying to get them off the subject.

See how much easier that is to read?

I also noticed you use a lot of question marks at the end of sentences and dialogue that aren't questions. A lot of the places you have question marks you could easily substitute with periods!

I think you have an interesting story here, but I think my biggest point of feedback is to consider cutting this up into parts and reposting it in smaller ones so you can get better, more specific feedback!

I hope you have a nice day! Keep writing!
-sound :)

sweetpea6skeen says...

Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the things you said. I wrote this forever ago, and I can see and understand what you are saying. I will take your advice and I will cherish it as I continue to write. Thank you for taking the time to read it though it may be super long, I will cut it up more so that it isn't so much to read, and will satisfy the readers eyes more instead of giving them a headache.

Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data