Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It would be impossible to explain my relationship with Ella Harley. She was an English nerd with a knack for my Grandmother’s crime novels, and I was a techno geek who dreamed of becoming a filmmaker. We both had a witty sense of humor and dreams too big for our own good, and it was glorious. I had a feeling that I was the only one she let read her writing, and she was definitely the only one I let read mine. I was always pushing her to make it more public, and she in return would say, “When you do the same with yours, maybe,” which was the equivalent of, “Yeah, when pigs fly, moron.” Now that I think about it, what we had wasn’t exactly what I’d even call a relationship, it was more of an advanced affiliation. I think she was scared of messing up with me. She never was a risk taker outside of her writing. But I know she caught me looking at her in class, and I think I felt her eyes on me sometimes in Calculus. Never English, her eyes were always glued in English, her heart always set. I remember how much she enjoyed the Latin, explaining it as an advanced jigsaw where pieces came together to make a big picture, but where every piece wasn’t specific to a certain one. Her favorite word was magnanimous, because it meant literally (she stressed the literally.) full of great soul. After a time it was my favorite word as well, for it was the only one which completely captured what the word Ella meant to me.

Hi there,

This is quite a lovely opening and I enjoyed reading it.

Just a couple of points really. First of all, it would be better to have dialogue in a different paragraph, if anything to just break up the chunk of writing making it easier to read.

Is this a kind of prologue to your story? It seems to be a flashback as there are a lot of past tense words in there.

I feel like there needs to be a little more description of the characters, especially of the female. It seems the male narrative has strong feelings for her and so perhaps would do more to fixate on her features as well as her nature.

Other than that, I think this is a good start to a story. As I said, this would probably make a better prologue than say, part of the first chapter. I look forward to seeing this develop and what story develops from it.

Keep up the good work

This is a very nice start! My opinion would be when you're doing dialogue to put what the characters are saying in another paragraph!

" Yeah when Pigs fly moron"

Then continue with the rest. So it's not all one paragraph like you have it there. It makes it easier for us as readers to see what's going on and what's being said.

I would also explain the characters a little more in the beginning. The beginning of the story is meant for description of the main characters. Or atlas explain the relationship a little too. I thought they were just friends. Doesn't necessarily have to tell everything about it, just a little more detail


But other than that this is a very good start. I hope you continue to write! Seems like it'd be a good short story.

I’m here to review!

Are you planning to continue this story, or will it remain as it is? If it ends like this, then it should be categorised as a short story, not a novel / chapter.

I thought it was short and sweet, especially because a boy narrates it. If it’s possible, I’d like you to expand on this story to make us connect with the characters. I’m interested to know if they ever became a couple, and how he copes after she’s gone. Has she left the school or passed away? This question needs an answer unless, of course, you’ve left it vague on purpose. I would’ve also preferred if you showed us some of the their times together, i.e. give us a flashback, rather than telling their story to us through his perspective. For example:

We both had a witty sense of humor and dreams too big for our own good, and it was glorious.

Hi! Welcome to YWS!

Should this be in short stories rather than novels? I'm not sure. I'm interested to know if you have more of this.

Even though this idea isn't wholly original, I don't think it much matters because you do a good job of making the reader feel. When people die suddenly (I assume she died) it's always so tragic, especially if they're young. We're supposed to grow old and die quiet deaths surrounded by the people we love after we've lived our lives, but it certainly doesn't always happen that way. People are cut down while they still have so much life to live, and there's something strangely compelling about seeing it play out in fiction. So what you have to do is to make your story stand out, make the characters feel real so we connect with them emotionally, and ultimately remember this.

And the biggest obstacle in doing that right now for you is that this is all summary. All tell and no show, if you will. All we get is a thick paragraph of the narrator explaining what this girl meant to him, but I want to see it. Tell me a story about how the narrator copes with her death, and how he changes as a result of it. What does it make him feel that he's never felt before? What does he grow through? What does he learn in the end?

There's definitely a compelling story here, but I'm not seeing the full one right now.

Let me know if you have any questions! Best,
Elinor

P.S. If you want to read a really good story that deals with the death of a minor, a famous Batman story arc from the 1980s called "A Death in the Family" was adapted into a radio drama and someone posted sit on youtube. It's very powerful, and I can provide you the links if you desire.

Sillia here!

She was an English nerd with a knack for my Grandmother’s crime novels, and I was a techno geek who dreamed of becoming a filmmaker.

Never English, her eyes were always glued in English, her heart always set.

I remember how much she enjoyed the Latin, explaining it as an advanced jigsaw where pieces came together to make a big picture, but where every piece wasn’t specific to a certain one

(she stressed the literally.

After a time it was my favorite word as well, for it was the only one which completely captured what the word Ella meant to me.