i've been livin ma life in empty streetz,
dreamz were sweet,but blinkd an eye n juss to meet,
new facez,dat changd phasez every heart beat,
so harsh heat,dat meltd every emotion in paper sheetz....
Suspennz....
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hi Suspenz
I'm June, your critic for the moment.
So! I really enjoy how you use slang here to achieve a rhythm and tone. However, there are a few things about this that can stand to change.
I didn't quite understand the end of this line. Even though I like how you use the slang, I think that blinked should be spelled with an E, no matter what.
Same thing with changed. Because S and Z are similar letters and often replace eachother, it's easy to understand the word when the S or Z is replaced. When you eliminate a letter is something different, because a non-native English speaker can easily have trouble.
And same for melted!
Also! With punctuation, a space follows before the next letter.
Pretty fair short poem. Welcome to YWS! Good luck writing.
June
Hey suspennz this is dogs right now
i like your poem, however you need to use the proper grammer. you can't say "streetz" and on the first line i would suggest you say something like "i have been living my life in an empty street" also what is the point of this, what are you trying to tell the reader. and also, don't end like that, i would suggest that you continue on. this poem is yours to say whatever you want, make the best of it
Hey!
Good poem. I didn't really get it at first, but after reading it a couple of times, it finally made sense.
I think it would be a bit easier to read if you used correct grammar, but I did somewhat like the way you wrote the voice of the person. I could almost hear the person talking.
Great job on this one, but next time I would recommend making it a tad bit longer.
See ya.
zOe
Lovely poem, but please use proper grammar. Spell thing correctly. I'll do a proper review when you do so ^^
okay so my first thought when i saw the way you spelled things was "wow that's rather obnoxious". but when i read through the poem a couple of times, i decided i really liked how you wrote in the voice of the person who is speaking, in a way where i can almost hear them talking. so good job on that.
i mean this is a pretty short poem and doesn't have much meat on it, not many details and stuff, but i rather like it. great job on the rhymes, i like it cause its like a rap, which makes it nice and upbeat, and i dunno, climactic? no thats not the right word... oh well can't think of the word right now
over all, good job, even though it's a TAD short, so maybe next time try adding more details or something, but not just useless details. put some meat on your poems.