On the first day I fell, the sky was white with clouds. I fell slowly. There were only a few of us falling. I heard them before I saw them. The woman was crying. The man was trying to console her, whispering encouraging words into her ear. The first thing I noticed was their eyes. The man had brown eyes; the woman had green. He was tall; so was she. He had short, brown hair. Hers was long and blonde. She was holding a baby –I think it was a boy –tight to her chest. Brown Eyes had his arms around them.
As I fell closer, I heard them.
“It’s only for a little while,” he whispered, “I’ll be back before you know it.”
Tears started to pour down the woman’s face. Her breaths were ragged. Soon after, the baby started to cry. Brown Eyes didn’t. He couldn’t. He had to stay strong for his family. But after a while, a few tears trickled down his cheeks.
They hadn’t noticed we were falling until the infant started to giggle. One of us had landed on his nose. They all looked up and saw me.
Brown Eyes looked down at his watch, back at me, then at his wife. “You better get the baby inside before he gets cold, you don’t want him to get sick because of the snow.” It was time for Brown Eyes to leave.
She shook her head, eyes wide. “No,” she said quietly. She said it again louder and ran towards Brown Eyes. “Please… Don’t go.”
Brown Eyes shook his head. “I love you, Jane. Good bye.”
Then the world started to blend together as if someone was stirring it with a spoon. It all melted into one colour, white. I got really warm and started to lose feeling. Then I felt drowsy and then… Nothing.
***
I didn’t fall again for a while. I stayed up, up in the white. I didn’t want to fall. Down, it was dark. But I had to. The sky wasn’t white when I fell; it was black. I fell a bit faster this time. Where I fell, it was still, as if on hold for a little while. I saw him, Brown Eyes. He wasn’t alone. He was with another man. He had grey eyes and black hair. He was taller than Brown Eyes. They were sitting in a long, narrow tunnel-like hole in the ground. Their backs were up against the opposite of each other. Whatever was happening was taking a toll on them, mentally and physically. You could see it in their eyes and bodies. Their shoulders were slumped and there were large bags under their eyes. There was a war of emotions behind Brown Eye’s eyes. He was sleep deprived and miserable I could tell. Grey Eyes could too.
“Have any family back home?” he asked trying to distract Brown Eyes from his thoughts.
Brown Eyes blinked and shook his head. “Yeah. I’ve got a beautiful wife.” He sighed. “She is so kind and smart. God, she’s smart. She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met. She’s always putting others first. She could have become a teacher, but I couldn’t stay home with the baby so she dropped out of school and stayed with him…”
Then the yelling started. They came from above them. They looked at each other and took out what I think were guns. They climbed out of the trench and ran for cover. The land was fairly flat with a few large trees.
Brown Eyes ran behind one of the trunks of the trees just as things started to shoot through the air. Bullets. They were firing bullets. Then Brown Eyes collapsed.
Grey Eyes ran towards him. Brown Eyes had his hand pressed to his side, red blood seeping through his uniform. His teeth were clenched.
“I’ve… Been… Shot…”
“I’ve got to get you back to camp.” Grey Eyes looked at the chaos going on around them. His eyes were full of fear; he knows something. Something he wasn’t saying. Brown Eyes started to dose off. “Hey! Hey, come on you’ve got to stay awake. Come on, why don’t you tell me about your son.”
He opened his eyes and slowly responded, “His name is Sam. He’s… 16 months old…” He laughs a little. “He loves the snow. It was snowing when I left, but he didn’t really know… What was… Going… On…”
Then his body went limp and his eyes fluttered shut. “No! Come on, stay awake, stay awake…”
Then I landed on the ground and the chaos blended into white nothingness.
***
On the third day I fell, I felt something. Like something was off. Like something was wrong. The ground was dry and the sky was blue with no white to disturb it. The air was warmer than usual; I don’t know why I fell. I was the only on falling. It was like I was supposed to be falling.
There were stones below me, lots of stones. They were marking something, but I don’t know what. Then I saw her, the crying woman, Jane. She was holding the infant again. They were in all black. Grey Eyes was there along with a few others. But where was Brown Eyes?
They were lowering something into the ground. It was smooth and black. The sunlight reflected off the large box. As they lowered it, a man said, “Soldier John Brown will live on forever in our hearts and memories.”
At the mention of his name, Jan broke into tears. The child was taken from her just as she fell to her knees. Sobs racked her body. Grey Eyes crouched down beside her to help her up but she refused. I over heard someone tell Grey Eyes, “Let her cry, she needs to grieve.”
Then the world started to mix together. All the colours swirled together as if someone was twirling it with a fork until it because all one colour, white. Then I knew something. I suddenly knew why I fell when no one else did, why I fell here, why Jane was crying, why Grey Eyes was here, why Brown Eyes wasn’t. He was killed in a war. A war created by humans; by the ignorant and wicked.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
) Although I would have liked to know in the first paragraph or so. Maybe define it clearer, sooner.
)) )
Let me first say, I absolutely adore works written from the perspective of an inanimate object. I actually tried this once (with a baseball), although it was humorous instead of deep and meaningful, as this one was. Anyway, let's get on with the review, shall we?
1. At first I had a little trouble figuring out what your inanimate object was. (At first, I thought it was a tear.) By the middle, I understood what it was (snow/rain... right?
2. One thing I find interesting, is that the snowflake defined people by their eyes. I understand you can't call them by their real names (since the snowflake doesn't know them yet), and you also couldn't just write it as "human 1 and human 2", but it seems odd that a snowflake could notice the eyes of a human from "way up where it was". Not a big deal, just something I noticed.
3. I would like a bit more during the war part. It happened so quickly, I couldn't really "enjoy" it much. As for the funeral, I liked the length. (If you would've made it last forever, it might of gotten boring.) But yeah - more in the war scene I think would make this better, and have a little more impact on his death.
4. Maybe more insight before he had to go fight and stuff would be nice too! Make us attached to "Brown Eyes"! (I personally would start with him dating Jane, maybe. The further back, the better ((probably - not as a kid, but you get my point.
5. My last little nitpick has to do with the last paragraph:
You told me why everything happened, except for the reason that only he/she fell from the sky. I actually created a scenario in my head, that he needed to fall. (Even if he didn't want to.)
Overall, pretty nice! Just a few minor spots that can be improved upon. I hope you write more like these!
~Snazzy
Woah! In my opinion, this work of yours was very well written, and a concept cleverly conceived. I remained very interested in the story the entire way through. As I was reading, I was affected by the different emotions you've created in your writing, and I would say you did a wonderful job capturing the elements of this point of view. I think what you have written is a very interesting concept, and to me was quite intriguing to read.
As far as improvements go, I don't think many need to be made. I did notice a few places here and there throughout the work that included misspelled words, and by misspelled I mean that those words were missing a letter. For instance, there was one point in the story where I believe you meant to say "one" but instead the word was written as "on."
Additionally, I noticed at one point, in the second sentence in the very last paragraph, I think you used the word "because" instead of "became."
Other than that, I don't see anything wrong with this work, and I am very glad I was able to read it! I think this has been one of my favorites that I have read so far, and the creativity in it is great. I really love having the story shown through the perspective of a snowflake, and the fact that it was never blatantly stated - you included enough clues and clever phrases that the reader is able to understand it, I think.
SO, I would say nice going! And keep going!
Thank you so much for your opinion! I do tend to have little typos throughout my work and thank you for letting me know specifically where they are. I will definitely reread and revise my work more thoroughly next time! Thank you so much!