you hurt i hurt
you go through rough times
me not so much
you tell me everything
i understand and give you my shoulder(to cry on)
ill always be there for you
no matter what
people can talk about you or me
i dont care
people can label
people can gossip
people can go jump off a cliff for all i care
im here for you
forget the world
just focus on me
ill stick by your side
for eternity
as ill say for now and forever
you hurt i hurt
or you hurt... they will hurt
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Canary word: Present
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi there, welcome to YWS! Before I get fully into a critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of the site rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 review ratio policy, which means in part that we ask new members to please leave critiques of at least two works by other authors before they post their own pieces here. That way, you get a feel for the place and you get more posting points, so that you can explore and post in other forums. So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!
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Cheers,
~bubbles
[quote="supersweetie"]you hurt i hurt
you go through rough times;
me not so much perhaps "many" would be better. correct grammar sounds better.
you tell me everything.
i understand and give you my shoulder(to cry on) you could remove the parenthesis and make this another line.
ill always be there for you,
no matter what
people can talk about you or me, "or" could be changed to "and" to make it seem as if you are together.
i dont care.
people can label,
people can gossip,
people can go jump off a cliff for all i care. "for all I care" can be made into another line
im here for you;
forget the world.
just focus on me.
ill stick by your side
for eternity.
as ill say for now and forever should be "I'll"
you hurt, i hurt
or you hurt... they will hurt this does not need a number of periods
overall, great poem. But you need more emotion. All the reader knows is that you are there for that person no matter what. But what are you feeling? what is that person feeling?
Why would that person hurt?
Why would they hurt if you do not give us a reason?
Also, capitalize those Is!!! It is annoying to the reader and distracts from the poem itself. Correct punctuation is always appreciated, too
This poem has potential though, and you have great talent.
keep it up
XoXo~AsH
Hi...welcome to Young writers society.
Now on the critique...
First - Punctuation needed.
Second - 4th stanza: too long. It crashes your concept so far. You have to try to write with not so great difference between verse lengths.
Third - "people can go jump off a cliff for all i care"...again too long
Fourth - The ending is pretty complicated. I don't get it.