It's nights like this when I quietly long for you.
Not in a desperate or wild way, like usual.
I just want to feel your presence brush mine in the same orbit,
To have your constellations overlap mine
with a tentative nebula of thought.
Your galaxies overwhelm me,
But maybe I can let them envelop me in fondness
From a safe distance.
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hey there! clogs here to review!
This is a sweet poem. It's very gentle and tender with its emotion. That being said, I have a few suggestions:
I'm a huge sucker for galactic imagery, and while you made good use of it, I didn't really get a sense of continuity from it. You have a bunch of small comparisons, such as nebulae of thought, and while those make sense on their own, they don't really connect in a satisfying way. I think it would be interesting to see more of an extended metaphor throughout this. I'm not sure what that would be, but it's something to think about.
I think this was the weakest line of the poem. It lacks a concrete image, so it stands out from the rest of the poem. To me, it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. That would've been a great spot to fit in another spacey comparison!
The only other line that doesn't have anything concrete is the first line, but I rather like that. You use it as a springboard into the rest of the poem.
I feel like that was a clunky way to word this clever metaphor. If the presences are brushing, then it wouldn't be the same orbit-- it would be two separate ones coming close to each other. Try to find a better way to express that.
The title says "Love and Gravity", yet you never directly used gravity as a metaphor. Maybe you can work that in, perhaps as your extended metaphor.
Overall, there are just lots of little things to think about when editing this poem. Do the metaphors make sense, or do they just sound pretty? Do they make sense with each other? Is there continuity? You have a grasp of imagery and emotion, but I think this could use some fine-tuning. I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Keep up the great work!
Okay, wow, you only have two poems and both are pretty fantastic. So, congratulations on that.
I love how soft this poem is, how sweet it is, with just a few words. Plus, you integrated the mysteries of the galaxy along with it. Marvelous.
Although, saying that, I do have a few points of criticism. I would space out the last paragraph so that it reads the way you want it to. Where do you want readers to pause? To really get the full effect of your poem? How does it sound in your head? Tell us, tell your readers, and you can do that by just spacing out certain lines. I can't tell you where to do that, because that's author's choice.
I also don't fully understand the last two lines. The whole tone of your poem is loving-soft and sweet-but the last two lines make it seem like this "person" is shy, almost. If you added more lines to show that I think that would make the entirety of your message complete. Or don't, because keeping your poem short and to the point is part of what makes it so great.
Anyway, keep writing. I hope to see more of your work.
~Cynder out