Hey there! clogs here to review!
This is a sweet poem. It's very gentle and tender with its emotion. That being said, I have a few suggestions:
I'm a huge sucker for galactic imagery, and while you made good use of it, I didn't really get a sense of continuity from it. You have a bunch of small comparisons, such as nebulae of thought, and while those make sense on their own, they don't really connect in a satisfying way. I think it would be interesting to see more of an extended metaphor throughout this. I'm not sure what that would be, but it's something to think about.
Not in a desperate or wild way, like usual.
I think this was the weakest line of the poem. It lacks a concrete image, so it stands out from the rest of the poem. To me, it feels like a bit of a wasted opportunity. That would've been a great spot to fit in another spacey comparison!
The only other line that doesn't have anything concrete is the first line, but I rather like that. You use it as a springboard into the rest of the poem.
I just want to feel your presence brush mine in the same orbit,
I feel like that was a clunky way to word this clever metaphor. If the presences are brushing, then it wouldn't be the same orbit-- it would be two separate ones coming close to each other. Try to find a better way to express that.
The title says "Love and Gravity", yet you never directly used gravity as a metaphor. Maybe you can work that in, perhaps as your extended metaphor.
Overall, there are just lots of little things to think about when editing this poem. Do the metaphors make sense, or do they just sound pretty? Do they make sense with each other? Is there continuity? You have a grasp of imagery and emotion, but I think this could use some fine-tuning. I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask! Keep up the great work!
Points: 3742
Reviews: 274
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