Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well, this was a decent continuation from the previous one, it got a little slow in some places, but for the most part you developed it pretty well. Well anyway let me get more nitpicky with this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Now she's been following her for how long now? 2? 4?, She couldn't even tell you. it's just been so long, just one day she got the idea stuck in her head to follow ashley. Everywhere and anywhere, Ashley hasn't seen her at all Ever. she's learned to keep quiet with this side of her, she just found something, well interesting? About ashley. She just felt there was no other way to describe it, but she went along with it, she actually quite enjoyed it to some extent. Tedadroa doesn't question herself often, once again at least not this side of her, she's very confident in herself, and her accomplishments.

Now back to where we were, but now her side for a bit. Tedadroa was hiding behind a good sized tree, awake all night to watch over Ashley, of course she was soaking as well then. But she stands a couple of feet away from Ashley just standing there silently making sure Ashley was ok and well. As Ashley jumps back, Tedadroa quickly looks behind her to find nothing.

Next thing she knows she's waking up with a throbbing headache, and what seems to be a bump on her head “ow” she says quietly to herself. Ashley is near a fire trying to warm up “ im sorry, I swear I thought and saw you, and it didn't look human, my eyes continue to play games with me” she looks off in guilt as she shudders her words.

Tedadora rubs her head and looks at Ashley, in a bit of confusion, did she really look that in human? As she is also a bit confused on where she is. “Your fine” tedadora, says with sign language, because she doesn't enjoy talking in this form.

Ashley looks at her then looks back at the fire “ i do know what you said i just feel bad is all” she smiles softly and looks down “ how did i get myself into this”. Tedadora looks at her and signals to her “ it's not your fault “ Ashley looks at her “ i even brought you into this” she hides her face into her hands . “I just need to figure this out” she looks somewhat more confident then she did before. She stands up and almost trips into the fire that's right in front of her, and laughs a little unsure.

She wipes herself off as she walks to the bolder that the shadow walked into, as tedadora follows behind, and taps her shoulder “what are you looking for?” She's confused because tedadora didn't see anything, she was just too far behind and ws only focused on ashley. Ashley smiles lightly “i'm not sure, it may just have been me, but there's gotta be something here” she lifts her hand to the leaves, and rubs on the boulder to see if maybe there's another side?

The boulder opens up, for ashley and tedadora expecting it to be bright and beautiful or something on the other side of the moving boulder. But instead, it's literally a dark gloomy cave with moss everywhere it's continually dripping water from its top, water is at the level of their ankles as they slowly step there feet in ashley gives a somewhat like duck face “ewww its swishy” tedadora is just touching all of the things, the moss the water. The cave isn't too wide, just small enough to fit maybe three? Or four? People. But of course no normal people would find walking in a small cave for no reason just to look at rocks.

Ashley looks around, why would someone put that much hard work into nothing? This cave thing is nothing. It's just an old, and gross overgrown cave. It's not like they were hiding some beautiful amazing treasure in here. She kicks the water, tedadora quickly spins around to face, ashley as the water goes and splashes right into her face. “What was that for?!” She becomes a bit frustrated, looking at ashley. But then as she looks at her, tedadora’s frustration slowly melts away. Of course she did not show it “hmpt nevermind” she looks away.

Ashley slowly looks behind herself, as she hears a screech. As she does the cave goes black “um!!!” Ashley starts to look around frantically “what's happening??’ she bit her lip. She blinks once maybe twice to just check if what she was seeing was correct, and the second time she opens them, the cave looks totally different.

Hi again, Sunny!

I want to start off by saying that this was a little bit difficult to read because of the grammar issues, as well as some punctuation and capitalization inconsistencies. While these might not seem really important, it can really determine the difference between a reader being interested in and impacted by your writing and a reader being disinterested. I'd really recommend running this through some kind of editor (like Word or otherwise) to work on those.

As a reviewer pointed out on your other work (but I wanted to reiterate), you really should have dialogue for different characters on a new line. So if Ashley says something, you start a new paragraph, and when Tedadora says something in response, you also start a new paragraph. It got a little bit confusing when they were speaking together because I didn't know who was talking when. Final thing about dialogue, make sure that even when dialogue is technically in the middle of the sentence, you capitalize it. So if I write the following:

She looked at him and said, "Hello, John!"

"Hello" should be capitalized because it's like starting a sentence with a capital letter.

It was difficult for me to follow what was happening in a few spots. For instance, I don't really know what happened to Tedadora when she saw Ashley in the woods. She was looking at Ashley, and then all the sudden the passed out and woke up next to her with a fire. What happened? Did Ashley attack her? Did something else attack her? It's really unclear. Also, does Ashley know Tedadora? If not, why is Ashley so calm around her? Why would she not be more afraid of weary of her?

I think once you polish up the grammar and look of the piece it will be a lot easier and thus more enjoyable to read. What might also help is to slowly read a piece out loud and try to think about exactly what it says. Does the image you paint differ from what you have in your head? Do you ideas connect to each other smoothly? I'd say don't shy away from adding more detail!

As for now, I think that Ashley and Tedadora have an interesting relationship. I don't quite see the link of how they got from strangers to joking around and teasing each other (with the water splashing) but I'm interested in knowing where they will go next! What is inside the cave? What do the shadows mean? Tedadora mentioned her "human form" so I'd be interested in learning more about her!

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. And good luck with writing!
~ Wolfe

I love your characters!

Tedadroa doesn't question herself often, once again at least not this side of her, she's very confident in herself, and her accomplishments.

But instead, it's literally a dark gloomy cave with moss