Hi Sunny-duckling! Welcome to YWS! I saw your second chapter in the Green Room and wanted to leave one here too
So, I wanted to leave some general comments about writing that might be helpful for your as you continue practicing and writing your story.
The first thing is about tense. As another reviewer noted, there are a couple of times in this story where the tense flipped between present and past, but it looks like the majority of it is written in present tense. You likely know that you want to be careful not to switch tenses in the middle of the story, but what you might not know is how your choice of tense can affect how it's being read.
For instance, a story written in present tense really emphasizes the here and now of it, as the reader is reading the events as they happen. I personally find it more difficult to write in present tense because it can limit your ability to play with time (ie if you have a second character perspective, you want to make sure everything stays chronological) and it can make pacing the story more difficult. By contrast, a story written in past tense gives it a more story-teller feeling, with the reader in a more passive role. It gives you a lot more space to explore the setting and the characters and the world because you don't have to worry about keeping up with the action. This is definitely something you want to consider when choosing your tense, because it's all up to the type of story you want to tell!
As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, one of the hang ups with present tense is it can sometimes make setting the pace difficult. I felt like this showed in your piece, because the pacing here felt very fast, and added to the fact that it was written in present tense it made it difficult for me to follow. In the first four paragraphs, an entire day passed, and by the fifth paragraph, Ashley was already finished with school. To me, this feels way too fast. Most scenes are several hundred words in length and each paragraph is only minute apart so that you can slow down and focus on details like setting, appearances, characters, etc. I really felt like a lot of that set up was lost and we were rushed into this plot about a shadow that we had no idea about.
My suggestion here would be to take a step back and try to challenge yourself to write out at least one full scene. Take the first paragraph, for example. Ashley sees a shadow out of the corner of her eye. But what was she doing? You say that she was walking down the hall, but what else? Does she have books in her hands and she's worried about her homework (to show us that she is studious/intelligent)? Is she walking with and talking to some of her friends (to show her charisma/popularity)? What is her internal thought process just before and right after she sees the shadow? Take a little bit more time to flesh this out and characterize Ashley so that we, as readers, can start to identify with her. That will help out later on when you're trying to build suspense and fear, since this is a horror story.
Plot wise, I'm interested in this strange phenomenon that Ashley is seeing and what that would mean for her. The main issue I have is that the pacing (which I talked about before) makes me not really know about Ashley as a character. What are her motives? Why does she care? This makes me wonder why I, as a reader, should care. I want to be invested in her, to get scared when she's scared, so giving more details would really help with that!
The other thing that I had a slight issue with is that Ashley just decides to sleep in the woods, and no one comes looking for her? Does she not have a cell phone that she could call someone? Did she not notice that it was getting slightly dark out or even think about how far in the woods she was going? If these are intentional things, it would help to bring attention to them and maybe Ashley brushes them off because she doesn't think it's important, or she's just that impulsive. Make these discrepancies seem intentional!
Let me know if you have any further questions, and I apologize if this came across as harsh. I did like your idea and I'm interested in reading onwards (since I'll go look at the next part now!), I just wanted to give you my thoughts as I read through your story.
Best of luck writing ~
-Wolfe
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