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139,334 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Thankyou all for taking your time and reading it. Just to say, this isn't your normal love story and basically I don't think this should be a short story because it's too long 
Also I might change some things because my tutor is also helping me out. Love you all
Woo! This is off to a good start! There were a few errors that I caught - quotation marks missing at the end of a quote, a few present-tense verbs mixed into a sentence, and some punctuation missing -but other wise, all was good, and I liked the plot thus far. I also suggest that you italicize the M.C's thoughts, but that's it. Can't wait for more!
TSM
Hi there! Pigeon here to review!
Firstly I want to say: I really like this, and I think it has a lot of potential. Because of that, I'm going to be pretty harsh, because I want to help you to improve and I think you're capable of taking some critical advice. Okay, here goes.
This is what's called an info-dump. Personally, I think this is pretty much never a good technique, except maybe in a sci-fi where the reader won't otherwise understand the premise. You give away a lot of what's going to happen, and it is a bit patronising, like you don't think the reader can work it out for themselves. I would get rid of this whole paragraph. There is nothing in it which we can't wait to find out later, and the next paragraph is a stronger beginning.
Your initial info-dump painted a picture of a character who is very insecure, but here he seems to be very sure of his feelings, and almost comfortable with them. And yet, he has a girlfriend, so he is clearly in denial about his sexuality. What I'm trying to say is, denial is not purely external. You don't just deny it to everyone else - you deny it to yourself. I would like to see Asher trying to ignore his thoughts and feelings, or to rationalise them as something else. Currently he is a little too aware of what is going on, when in reality I think he would be trying to ignore it and push it to the back of his mind.
This doesn't make sense. It either needs to be 'I took deep breaths' or 'I inhaled deeply'.
Try to show, rather than telling. Sienna is very clichéd, which you may want to change, but you could get away with it if you introduced her in a way which sounded less clichéd. Rather than pointing out that she is a "typical blonde haired, blue eyed, intellectually numb cheerleader", think of things which will show it without stopping the story for another info-dump. Think of something to show that she has blonde hair (like combing it, or some other action you can describe), something to show she has blue eyes (even just a sentence like 'her blue eyes locked onto me/watched me/examined me etc.'), something to show that she is intellectually numb (have her say or do something stupid), and even something to show she is a cheerleader (and we already know because she is sitting at the 'jocks and cheerleaders table').
You suddenly changed from past tense to present tense, but just for this paragraph! The corrections are in red.
Also, Sienna is really annoying, which is the whole point, I know, but Asher must be pretty desperate to pass as heterosexual if he's willing to date her. Is he also trying to convince himself that he's straight? Or to 'change' himself? I would like to see him trying to be interested in her. Maybe a friend could say how hot she is, and he could try really hard to see it, but it just does nothing for him? Another thing is that I think you might want to make her a bit less shallow. The reason is this: tension. Tension is what makes a story interesting. At the moment Asher has his worthless girlfriend, and the guy he has a crush on. The reader is of course going to want him to loose the girl and get the guy. But, if you gave her character a bit more depth, and maybe had her desperately trying to keep the relationship together, not understanding why Asher isn't interested, then there is a lot more tension. The reader may still want Asher to get the guy, but then we also feel sorry for Sienna, we don't know what the best ending is - and there's tension. To my mind it would be more interesting if I could empathise with all the characters, and none of them were two-dimensional.
You have heaps of awesome stuff here! It just needs a bit of refining.
Thanks for a great read!
I hope you find this review helpful!
- pigeon
Hey summerlove! What a great story you have going there. I would just like to change a couple things.
There should be a comma there. Only use periods when there's no he said, I said, she said etc.
There was no punctuation there, but there should've been a comma.
I thought 'annoying, high-pitched' sounded better.
You put a period after campaign, but a comma was supposed to go there instead.
Same problem.
Overall it was very well written. Just a few punctuation errors here and there. Great job and I'll be looking forward to reading more of your writing!
First I am going to compliment your writing skills, because you are a great writer. Raw..but I see the greatness in it.
However; I read this and I felt like I have read it before, and seen it in a bout a hundred other movies. It's a plot that has been used time and time again.
I read the first paragraph and I groaned, because I knew exactly where you were going with it. Popular guy + popular girlfriend + other person that popular guy is really in love with = done before.
Although I didn't see it coming when it was revealed that he actually was in love with another guy. That is what gave me hope. That you are at least trying to be different. Also:
I don't like how you started out the sentece with "The reason is..." That's like ending an easy with "In conclusion..."
Don't state the obvious.
I loved your use of imagery and your sentence stucture though. This could be a great! just work on it a little more.
I really hope this helps
Happy Writing!
Hi
I should be doing math so I'll just talk about the plot!
Bad:
Erm, your characters are generic. The popular quarterback with the gorgeous cheerleader kind of thing is really cliched (and I was previously guilty of that xD). Even the supporting cast seem very... *looks at your avatar* Glee-esque.
Depending on the reader, it could be likeable by others, but just not me. To me, your characters become rather one-dimensional as a result, even though I see where Asher is progressing, there's still that 'popular jock = must be cool cannot be uncool' kind of simplicity, whereas what you seem to have in store for him, requires a more complex character to carry off well. Do I make sense? xD
Good:
While the title gives the impression of another generic story line, bam!, I see where you're going, and I like it.
You can actually use the 'generic' characters you have, just tone down the intensity of their cliched-ness and you'll have space to weave an intricate web that explores the social hierarchies and expectations of adolescents. As well as the pursuit to understand oneself and mature through one's experience.
Math now summons me, so I shall bid you adieu!
Feel free to PM me or anything if you've questions or comments. I hope I wasn't too harsh or anything >_<
~Meep(: