I want to take up my thoughts of you and throw them in a fire to watch them slowly burn.
I want to rip out your heart, tear it slowly and throw the pieces at you, the way you did it to me.
I want to mess up and hurt your emotions then fling them around the world.
I want to forget you and if I ever see you again it'll be too soon for my heavy heart.
I feel like the wound is still fresh, the memories hours ago, and my fall off the high mountain I once stood on to the ground with a crash that shook the earth seems to still be happening.
The pain feels like it'll go on forever but my heartache will stop, my wound will heal, my emotions will fix themselves, and my tears will stop falling, just they way they always have when you hurt me.
So now all that's left to do is to erase the pain by forgetting you and ignore my gouged heart that slowly bleeds on my guitar and mingles with my fresh tears.
I'm done now, because it's over; no more will we call each other for hours.
No more will we walk along the sandy shores of the beach, ignoring the glowing, golden rays of the sunset to stare into each other's eyes.
No more will we walk hand in hand and whisper into each other's ears.
No more will I remember you, or put up with ypu, or deal with my heart breaking from you.
No more of anything with you.
No more. I'm finally done.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
We all have this feeling sometime in our lives. I like it, but, please keep in mind, that even though we want to do this when we're hurt like that, that it's always best to step back and breathe. Keep up the good work!
-Rick
I can completely relate to what you're saying, but it's littered with too many cliches to be moving. Try to avoid saying things like "heavy heart" and "whisper into each others ears", it doesn't add anything to the poem. I can see this as a song with creative background music but It's not original enough to do anything for me at the moment. One line I thought was very good though, was this one:
I liked that line alot, when you say "my gouged heart" I can almost see the hole in your heart and the blood that's dripping on your guitar. I also like the use of the word "mingles" it really creates the image I think you were going for. But as you can see I changed the line breaks a bit. When I first read this line it was clunky and I had to read it twice to understand what you had written. It's more apparent what you mean when you break the lines this way.
Overall I could really see the emotion you were trying to convey but the images you used were too cliche to convey it. Try tweaking it a bit and see where it gets you. Good Luck!
Well I would definitely suggest reading it aloud, to get a real feel for the rhythm of the piece. At the moment it's not really clear, and your linebreaks need to be fixed up to help the rhythm.
You also need to be a lot more personal in your descriptions. Don't resort to cliches. Some of your images had promise -
That, for example, wasn't quite as cliched as the rest, but you need to be more unique in your writing. Another thing you tended to do was overload us with emotion. It's much more powerful if you go for simplicity, detail and individuality. Good luck!
This was interesting. It didn't seem that much like poetry to me, but that's mostly because you split up the lines, and they were really long. I guess your rhythm's okay, but I think that you should split up each sentence into a stanza. Some of your sentences were awkward as well, namely:
"I want to mess up and hurt your emotions then fling them around the world." "Mess up" sounds extremely cliche... and you need to have a comma in between "emotions" and "then". I don't like this line, and I think that it messes up the rhythm. You have quite a few run-on sentences that I think you should try to fix.
Really, this seemed like an odd poem to me. I would split up the sentences into stanzas.
Overall, though, it was pretty good, besides your run-on sentences. I guess it was kind of cliche though...
Keep writing!
Teh Wozzinator
KNOW THIS FEELINGG!
Like it..alot:)
A lot of people will relate lol
one typo you wrote "no more will we call each ohter for hours"
Pretty sure you mean other?
But great well done:)
x