Published June 10, 2015
The tree with black leaves.
I can see it from the distance,
This poor old tree with knobby branches
And what seems to be charred leaves
But the shrieks I hear as I approach
Tell me otherwise.
.
Inky wings rustle overhead
And beady eyes blink at me
As crows hop on the branches
And nod their heads at me like
Scrawny, feathered old men.
.
The chilly air turns my breath to smoke
But whether I'm shivering from it
Or the intense stares of the birds
I do not know.
.
They know why I'm here.
They begin crying,
Their mocking caws mingling together
As they make cruel japes about me,
With whispering wings
And screaming laughter.
.
"Please... I beg forgiveness..." I begin,
Feeling foolish to think
These birds were actually anything powerful,
As if they spoke for the Goddess,
As if they could judge my fate.
.
Banished from my village,
Told to seek the crows' wisdom
Or to never return,
I made my choice.
And it seems as if the crows have made theirs.
.
In the very center of this gnarled tree
Sits the largest crow of all,
With dark feathers that stick up on his brow
Like a crown made of shadow.
He alone judges me silently, shrewdly,
Without moving a muscle,
As if he is looking into my soul.
.
The other crows slowly stop fidgeting
And cawing to stare at their leader,
Waiting, as I am, with baited breath
For the verdict.
.
"Murder," he murmurs quietly, in a soft human voice.
My heart stops.
"Murder! MURDER!" he shrieks,
Stretching his wings so wide
He casts a shadow over me.
.
"MURDER! MURDER!" the others repeat,
Flapping their wings and
Glaring at me with evil eyes.
"MURDER! MURDER!"
They begin circling around me,
Screaming my sin.
.
"No! I didn't mean to!" I sob,
Ducking as they whiz over my head.
I stumble backwards
And the large crow lands on my chest.
Human eyes watch me
From a feathered head.
.
"Please no," I choke out,
Raising my hands in mercy.
"Murder," it whispers,
Pecking me square in the forehead.
.
From the wound sprout black feathers,
Quickly covering my face and head.
My body shrinks and twists
Into an inhuman form.
I scream but as my lips harden and elongate
My scream becomes a raspy caw.
.
My beautiful hair, hands, skin
Are all gone,
Replaced with long feathers, scaley legs,
And razor sharp talons.
My fellow crows hop happily around me.
A murder for a murder.
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hey, summergrl13.
I think it's an interesting story. And I totally dug it. For the first two stanzas.
After that, the poetry devolved into prose, and I don't think it was meant for poetry, to be honest.
Personally speaking, it's easier to write poetry about something small and make it big, as with literature, particularly fantasy literature, as this is, tends to do the opposite. It takes a big grand scheme and makes it small, compresses the experience into words for other people to digest.
The first two stanzas felt like something personal. I thought it was going to be about an inner realization from the narrator that seemed small, but would end up informing a big decision or something like that. But instead, it's a big fantastic idea that needs just a tad more context and deserves fleshing out.
It's a great idea, don't get me wrong, but I think this would be better as prose. Save the poetry for small things that need to get bigger, and give this one to prose. I want it to be a little smaller so that I can wrap my head around it.
If you do insist on keeping this as a poem, I have a suggestion. Make sure you end your lines at the end of a clause, or at least on a strong word. You end several lines on weak words, most visibly "like" and "and." I also don't think that "me" is a very strong word, but you can't do anything about that sometimes, and at least it's not in the middle of the sentence.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Thanks, that's actually really helpful. I was debating between writing it as prose or a poem actually, and just went with a poem because it came quickly. I probably will rewrite it and I appreciate the feedback!
its a great poem, but it seems like the story was not meant for this format. What I'm saying is I think this would be a lot better if you made it a long, fleshed out story. I say this also because the lines don't quite flow, a lot of the time you're just finishing the sentence on the next line and that is something I feel should be avoided unless theirs no other choice.
Overall it is an intriguing poem, but like I said, it would be a lot better in story format.
Thank you, I think I will do that.
The best thing about this poem was definitely your use of symbolism and personification. A little different at the end, and I suspect there's a deeper meaning here, but nevertheless your imagery is great.
The only flaw you had in this area I felt was in one line:
" That is just what it looks like from a distance, "
I would leave this out because it defeats the purpose of the imagery entirely. Our job is to figure out that they're not really black leaves, they're a bunch of crows.
Otherwise, great job here.
Keep writing!
~iron.n
Thank you! I edited it and changed the line.