So I wrote this for a class and I'm curious about what you all might think!
Lady Winter
A lady being courted,
Dressed in a fine, crystal cloak
Enchants the very ground she steps on.
.
She breezes by
Just to steal your breath away.
You feel her presence
Before you ever dare to spy her.
.
A chill hangs in the air,
Announcing her imminent arrival.
Then one night as you lay sleeping she slips in.
A vain thing, she sweeps through the streets, calling your attention.
.
She peppers delicate
Icy kiss marks on the window, trying to reach you.
Her long, delicate teeth
Are found suspended over your head,
A gaping maw,
Giving you a flirty grin from all sides.
.
You step outside to greet her
And her cold, thin fingers trace your face.
Her frosty kiss
Leaves you numb from head to toe.
.
You draw a scarf
Around your face,
But that only makes her fingers claw harder.
Pulling at your clothes,
The whisper of "Love me," on her breath, the wind.
.
You are so tempted
To lay on the soft, thick blanket she has splayed.
"Sleep with me,"
She sighs, frozen lips kissing your nose.
Her thick, white mantle
Sweeps around you in a lover's embrace.
.
But you push her away,
And her crystal heart shatters with the slam of the door.
You hear her howling
Outside of your windows at night, furious at your rejection.
.
The next time you step out,
She wraps her arms around you and nips your ears playfully,
Whispering sweet nothings.
.
Over and over she is reproached,
Yet she lingers long,
As ladies do when they are being courted.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow. This is awesome! I love it!
Well, one of the only things that may need a bit of fixing is the lack of stanzas. A couple stanzas may make this a bit easier on the eyes, as well as make the whole thing flow nicer. If you have problems with the formatting of YWS, just stick a period where the space in between stanzas goes.
And that's all! Man, you are good. I envy you! Keep writing!
~racket
Thank you! I think the line breaks really did help!
Welcome! ^.^
Hi summergrl!!
So I mainly wants to go And read this First off because of the title. I don't even know why. I just really thought it would be a good poem.....and its not....... it's wonderful!!
You did a very great job here with This poem. It's great how descriptive You were with this. The imagery You created was really A good thing to know how to create!
Great job once again.
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Awww thank you so much!
Hi, summergrl!
I love the title of this poem! It's what made me want to read it in the first place.
I think you've done a wonderful job at keeping up the atmosphere here. I was really interested and hooked from the start to the beginning. In fact, this could even be turned into a short story, almost... but I do prefer it as a poem! I think it's so pretty.
You have quite short lines, and I think a lot of them could be combined. I'm not sure how you decide where to put line breaks, but if you're not always sure, just think whether the line will be more powerful if you break it up into pieces or whether the pieces mean more together than on their own units. I'll give you an example of where I think the lines could be combined:
As you may see, "Then one night" isn't really that strong on its own, because nothing really happens on the line. I feel the same goes for "A vain thing". In situations like this you can have a think about the effect you want to create for the readers and then decide whether the effect will come into force through a (unnecessary) line break or whether the power is in the actual words.
The passive voice makes most things sound forced, so I wouldn't recommend using it here - it sounds a little awkward.
One more thing - since this is about winter, make sure you don't overuse words like "cold", "frozen", "chilly" etc. because we already associate them with winter, and your job as a poet is to give us new options and choices.
But as I already said, I really love the atmosphere in this, and you've managed to create a beautiful little work that was a pleasure to read.
Demeter
x
Thank you so much, that really helped!
Woah, this a great poem! I went through three different stages of thinking while I read this. First, I thought it could have been a poem you wrote for a History lesson, about courting in the past. Next, I realised it could only have been written for English and I thought that she could have been a vampire seducing him because of these lines: Her long, delicate teeth are found suspended over your head, a gaping maw. My last impression was that she was not in fact a vampire, just a girl desperate for this man. It was interesting how you mentioned courting in the first line, then again in the last, as if this is a common thing when ladies are courting. I liked it a lot, it was a nice poem to read. Oh, I should probably mention that I have no nitpicks, it's all good.
Awwww thank you! I did enjoy writing about her mouth as if the icicles were her teeth, it made me feel as if she may have a sinister side to her
I'm glad you liked it!
Hello Mate! I love this poem!! ( I wish I could write like this but I can't sadly.) Anyway, I love how you made the "winter" a girl in waiting while I might say it pretty amazing. The line where the person steps outside and winter kisses them over, not wanting to leave them but after they do, winter is left cold and heart-broken ; yet as the poem continue on, I love how you uses personification to add a mood to the poem plus I love how the person goes out into the winter, the person is rejected/ left alone with winter.
( I hope this makes sense )
From The Smaug,
OneThousandDrums
Thank you! Haha I'm glad you liked it so much