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Young Writers Society



Alone

by summergrl13


I could hear whispers as I walked through the hall, head down, eyes on the floor.

"I heard that she goes out back and blows guys by the gym," one said.

"Well, I heard the she makes around a hundred bucks a customer," another shot back.

I just wanted to get out of the hall, just grab my stuff and bolt out of this hell-hole. The whisperers didn't even know my story, the awful tale that got messed up and twisted into the story of a slutty girl trying to get her hands on as many boyfriends as she could. The truth was almost as bad as the lie.

I reached my locker at last, but not after heaing more nasty whispers and one girl throw a water bottle at my face, shouting, "Skank!". I didn't have to look up to know that it was Kate, my ex- best friend, that threw the bottle. Taking a deep breath, I simply picked up the half- empty bottle and threw it in the trash before continuing.

"Hey, are you that Maria girl everyone's talking about?" one girl asked me when I reached my locker.

"I suppose so," I replied. "That depends; how many other Maria girls do you see around here that are getting water bottles thrown at their faces and are being called a prostitute?"

The girl ignored my sarcasm and plowed right on. "Is it true then? All those rumors that you-"

I cut her off. "You're a freshman aren't you?" She nodded. "Well, all I can say right now is that there will be a lot of rumors like this in high school. Don't believe a single one." I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, stomping down the hallway, the whispers beginning to get louder again.

"So, it's not true?" the girl asked, following after me.

"No, it's not. But try to tell them that," I murmured, jerking my thumb towards the clusters of people gossiping.

Without looking back, I climbed the stairs to senior hall. When I reached the top, there was an instant of silence, which was unusual from the normally boisterous seniors. I looked up to see all eyes on me, the older kids frozen in whatever positions they were in when they saw me. I continued my walk, and the seniors instantly began to unfreeze, shouting things at me, whistling at me, throwing empty pop cans at me and laughing.

After another eternity of facing the hellish senior hall, I reached my Bio class hurt, wet, and relieved. I spotted the person I had wanted to see all day sitting with his back to me, chatting with one of his friends. I walked up to him and tapped his shoulder, grinning widely. They both stopped talking, the guy facing me staring at me. Ryan turned to face me and the expression on his face shocked me. He was angry, absolutely fuming from the looks of it. I was so surprised and frightened by his sudden anger towards me, I took two steps back, palms up in surrender.

"I'm not talking to you," he hissed through his teeth. "I don't talk to back-stabbing whores."

"But Ryan, we're friends," I stammered.

"We were friends," he admitted. "Not anymore." He turned back to his friend, giving me the cold shoulder.

"I thought that you of all people would understand," I whispered, before turning around and taking a seat.

The tears finally began to fall, leaving puddles on my desk and continuing to fall, much to my embarassment, as the rest of the class came in. Everyone refused to sit next to me and tried to sit as far away from me as possible. The last boy that came in groaned when he took a seat by me, leaning away from me on the very edge of his seat.

"Touch me and I'll call the cops, slut," he threatened.

I heard laughter behind me, and I watched Ryan laughing cruelly at the boy's joke. I slammed my head on the desk, sobbing hysterically while several other people laughed at my misfortune and the teacher barked at everyone to shut up. I buried my face in my hands and just blocked them all out, and, fortunately for me, people were all too happy to ignore me.


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Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:52 pm
Ryanx wrote a review...



....You're missing something here. I can't quite pinpoint it yet, but I think that the plot is astray. You can't feed the readers the same idea for paragraphs on without giving us an opening, meaning without revealing the character's background. Give us a reason to root for her. I mean, why should I care if the school hates her or the other kids fling their water bottles at her. For all I know, she is a slut and deserves it. You need to find a way where you can put us in the character's head, a way for us to empathize with her so even if the rumours are true, then we'll at least understand this girl, this Maria, and see why she is worth reading about.

Another thing- the character shows weakness too early in the story. Like I said before, we, as readers, don't know Maria. We know only of what people say about her. Don't have Maria break down like that when Ryan snaps at her. Show us she has some dignity. Say that maybe for a second a tear had almost slipped, but instead of breaking down, she choked it up and walked back to her desk. Let us know what she plans to do about her situation. Things like this give a character more substance and keeps the story from sounding like a soap opera.

Remember,I'm just rambling here. I'm not a professional or even close, but stories that incorporate the things I mentioned above are, to me, some of the best reads. So don't give up.

KEEP THE MUSE ALIVE AND WRITE ON! :elephant:




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Sun Jan 03, 2010 8:01 pm
olivia1987uk wrote a review...



I think karsten has summed this up brilliantly :) the repetition does take away from the decent writing style which obviously is a great shame.

I do have another point to bring up...The truth being as bad as the lie etc...cliches are boring. Everyone has heard them before. I look for orginality on here. That's what impresses me and makes me want to read on. Nobody wants to read the same phrases in different orders to tell different stories...think about it :)




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Thu Dec 31, 2009 6:55 am
empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



I sort of do, sort of don't agree with Karsten. You did use repetition a lot, and It is slightly over-the-top, but I can understand that, if you whittle this down slightly, this repetition could drive the point home, although it seems to me that the line about Ryan turning his back on her was more powerful than the rest of the story. Ryan was the only person, it seemed, that she felt comfortable with and assumed would understand everything. I think her ex-best friend throwing a bottle at her is a little over-the-top, I've had several ex-friends who despised me completely, but none of them threw bottles. These people are of a shrewd kind; she would probably milk her situation, victimize herself as much as possible. Of course, I barely know her but... that's based on my personal experience.




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Mon Dec 28, 2009 2:58 pm
Karsten wrote a review...



Hi summergrl,

I think the writing here is fine, but when I look at the piece as a whole, I feel like the repetition is killing it. You establish in the first three sentences that Maria has an unwanted reputation for promiscuity. The other 90% of the story just repeats the same point. When you can drive a point home effectively with three sentences, banging it home over and over doesn't help - it just gives the reader concussion.

The repetition also kind of damages my suspension of disbelief. I can totally buy that girls whisper behind Maria's back about what a slut she is. That's school for you. What I can't buy is that the school is a Fallujah-like warzone in which Maria is continually bombarded with projectiles. Nor that the entire school revolves around Maria. Nor that there is not a single person out of however many thousands, student or teacher, who is prepared to give Maria the benefit of the doubt. My disbelief gets more strained the more over-the-top the whole situation seems. I'm starting to feel like these are one-dimensional puppets who hate Maria solely to artificially create reader sympathy.

Also, I'm finding Maria's deliberately vague mutterings about "my story" which is "almost as bad as the lie", how that one girl shouldn't believe the rumours, how she thought that Ryan "of all people would understand", etc slightly irritating. It's like having a very dramatic friend who is drawing out the mystery as long as possible in the hope that you'll beg her to tell you everything. It comes across as attention-seeking.

Ultimately, I feel that the first three sentences in isolation (which are excellent) are more effective than the rest of the piece put together. If I could make a suggestion, I'd seriously consider just axeing the rest and moving straight to the plot.

Hope this helps.

Cheers,
Karsten





I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
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