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12+ Violence

Prologue

by summerdepressionexe


CJOB Radio, bringing you breaking news: Nathaniel Abelmen and Valeria Guerrero were last seen at about 10:50 AM, August 17, 2012, at Star Lake Beach, Manitoba, Canada. Police investigations are ongoing to find the whereabouts of the adolescents. Call 584-###-### with any tips.

Prologue                                                                                                                                           A plastic play shovel jabbed furiously into the sand. “Can you please help me with this hole, Val!” the boy with the shovel called. A girl lying on a lounge chair sat up to look at him. “Why are you even digging a hole, Nathaniel? Someone is gonna fall into that!” she scolded him. “Trying to disprove Brayden’s theory that you can dig through the core of the earth and straight into China! It just shouldn’t be possible!” he responded in frustration. He picked up another shovel in her favorite color, red, and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes whilst snatching the shovel from his hand. “11-year-olds,” she muttered in a mix of annoyance and laughter. Nathaniel gasped, “You’re not THAT much older than me Val!” “Four years makes all the difference. Don’t forget, I’m the one babysitting you.” she chuckled.

She sat next to him and the two began digging, and digging, and digging. The hole was getting so deep that they had to climb in to dig any deeper. A long while later, they were still sitting in the hole together, digging. Nathaniel’s shovels clanked on something below them. “I think there is something below us,” he hypothesized. “Yeah, no kidding,” Valeria quipped. The two brushed the layer of sand away to find a surface of various precious metals melted together, and they all looked corroded, as if they had been there for thousands of years. “Odd, very odd,” Valeria commented. “If we find a way to get this metal out, we could pawn it and be rich!” Nathaniel suggested. “No. No way is this safe. We are digging ourselves out.” she ordered him. “C’mon Val, it can’t be that unsafe!” he replied, and before she could stop him, he slammed his shovel into the shiny surface. 


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Sat Feb 18, 2023 1:19 am
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foxmaster wrote a review...



Hello, I am here to leave a quick review!!
However, this chapter was a bit too short for me. The beginning with the breaking news thing was very cool, but not much happens here, and there should be some more details in this.
"'Can you please help me with this hole, Val!'"
That is a question, so it needs a question mark.
When you write that they were digging and digging, and they slam the shovel into the shiny surface, that is a good cliffhanger.
Is what they uncovered a magical artifact? Or is it cursed? Is it linked to the missing children? I that was caused it? Or where they kidnapped? I bet Valeria and Nathaniel will find out what happened to the missing people. Will the thing they uncovered save the missing people? Or will it just lead the main characters to them? I cannot wait to hear more! Dun dun dun! Also, if you could review my book Wetfire or the school for magic spies? Thanks!
-Foxmaster




summerdepressionexe says...


Yeah, this chapter was pretty short just because I needed to get some information out before I started with the plot, but other chapters will be much longer. Thanks for the review!



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Fri Feb 17, 2023 10:16 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was quite an interesting one. I think you create a pretty unique idea there, at least I've never run into something like this before and I think you've done quite a solid job of bringing it to life and getting us wanting to know more.

Anyway let's get right to it,

A plastic play shovel jabbed furiously into the sand. “Can you please help me with this hole, Val!” the boy with the shovel called. A girl lying on a lounge chair sat up to look at him. “Why are you even digging a hole, Nathaniel? Someone is gonna fall into that!” she scolded him. “Trying to disprove Brayden’s theory that you can dig through the core of the earth and straight into China! It just shouldn’t be possible!” he responded in frustration. He picked up another shovel in her favorite color, red, and handed it to her. She rolled her eyes whilst snatching the shovel from his hand. “11-year-olds,” she muttered in a mix of annoyance and laughter. Nathaniel gasped, “You’re not THAT much older than me Val!” “Four years makes all the difference. Don’t forget, I’m the one babysitting you.” she chuckled.


Well this is quite the start here. Straight away I just adore the characters you've got here. They feel very real especially as being two siblings of around that particular age. I think you've done a great job developing that just through the dialogue here. Besides that already intriguing moment, I think you do a great job with the actual topic they are arguing about too. Its just ridiculous enough that you can see why it'd be a random thing two children could argue about but there's enough in there but because of that little police report thing right at the start, you can also clearly connect and see that something is about happen here which is a great note to start a prologue on.

She sat next to him and the two began digging, and digging, and digging. The hole was getting so deep that they had to climb in to dig any deeper. A long while later, they were still sitting in the hole together, digging. Nathaniel’s shovels clanked on something below them. “I think there is something below us,” he hypothesized. “Yeah, no kidding,” Valeria quipped. The two brushed the layer of sand away to find a surface of various precious metals melted together, and they all looked corroded, as if they had been there for thousands of years. “Odd, very odd,” Valeria commented. “If we find a way to get this metal out, we could pawn it and be rich!” Nathaniel suggested. “No. No way is this safe. We are digging ourselves out.” she ordered him. “C’mon Val, it can’t be that unsafe!” he replied, and before she could stop him, he slammed his shovel into the shiny surface.


OOooh love that ending there. I think it works really well for this prologue. It comes together quite nicely with the little bit at the start and the premise set up in the previous paragraph to create a pretty decent cliffhanger there. I think it ends up working quite well there in terms of getting us quite curious to see what's to follow. All in all, a short but pretty effective prologue here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, a pretty intriguing piece this one. I think as far as prologues go, this one is surprisingly effective for how small it is and I think it does enough to make us want to read more.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




summerdepressionexe says...


Thanks so much for the review! I always love hearing what people think of my dialogue because it is not really my strong suit. Also, Valeria and Nathaniel were not originally meant to be siblings, but now I'm thinking that may be an interesting dynamic to put in there!




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