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Monsters

by summerdepressionexe


I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Stomping over and over again

Weeds and flowers were growing between the cracks

But I smashed them

It’s all his fault; he’s a monster

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

A stalk of fluff peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Am I the monster?


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185 Reviews

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Sun Jan 29, 2023 2:09 am
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello summerdepressionexe! Incoming review!

First off, I'd like to give you a belated welcome to YWS! I hope you have a great time here. The poem has a nice bout of strong imagery and it was pleasurable o read. With that said, lets get onto the review!

I'll start out with critiques first.
This isn't necessarily a critique, but something to comment on. Your poem felt a lot more like prose. It mainly came from the direct order of events. Running outside-->Sprinting to the sidewalk-->Smashing Flowers. It all felt like something in a paragraph, rather than traditional poetry. Of course, this is a stylistic choice, but you mentioned how you weren't too familiar with poetry, so I wanted o mention it.

If it were me, I would use more figurative language. Maybe I'd personify the weeds or moonlight. You could have even gone deeper into stepping on all the cracks. Something that could work in this piece would be to use the old children's rhyme of "Step on a crack and you'll break you mom's back." It would fit with the malicious tone you have to a person.

Again, what I'm about to mention is more of a stylistic choice, but good to have in mind. Something I was suggested is to think of your poetry in sentences, break the line whenever it feels right, but don't capitalize that line. Auto capitalization is kind of marks of a newbie poet. Of course, it can just be a style thing, but sometimes it doesn't look like the poet knows what they're doing.

As an example, I would take these lines

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place
And I would change it to
Sure, he left seeds in the cracks,

but he was the one who made the cracks in the first place
I bolded the parts I changed.

Okay, that's enough of critique, let me praise your work!
I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here
This is such a captivating opening for a poem. I can imagine the narrator shivering in the cold early morning air. I would love to read the feelings, but this is a great start for poetry! And you set the tone quite well in these first two lines. The second lines pulls out the pessimism along with jadedness. I love it!

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish
I love angst in poetry. With little information I can see a lot of emotion in the poem. It's like a painting, sometimes less is more, but I'd also like to see your stretch what you can describe in more "poetic" terms I guess I can say.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. Don't stop with poetry, everyone had to start somewhere <3 I hope you have a great day and maybe I'll see you around. Anyway byeeeeeeeeee




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Fri Jan 13, 2023 7:28 am
AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hi, hello there! This is Ina speaking. I am here to write down a little comment/review. Anyways, let's get into it.

"I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Stomping over and over again

Weeds and flowers were growing between the cracks

But I smashed them

It’s all his fault; he’s a monster

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place

A stalk of floor peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Am I the monster?"

I love the words that you used in this beautiful masterpiece. I love the description of the weeds and the flowers, it's one of my favorite lines. I feel tense whenever I read this. I think I should post this in the YWS forum that appeared on my feed about a good poem you read every week. By the way, who's he? Is it about the narrator or someone who's running with the narrator? Anyways, just a question. Also, you have the wrong spelling of the word "floor" in the line:

"A stalk of floof peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path."

I hope this helps! You just need to re-touch the poem and it'll be perfectly good! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night. By the way, late warm welcome to the site c:




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Thu Jan 12, 2023 6:56 am
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rainforest wrote a review...



hi!

first and foremost, i want to welcome you to this lovely site! i’ve been here for quite a while and even though i have not been super active within the past couple of years, every time i revisit, i hear from so many friends and witness a lot of talent get made on this site. it will always be a welcoming place. with that, i do want to mention that i have not done a review in a bit, so please take every word with a grain of salt.

i love that you’re wanting to delve into poetry and i think you have a very good start. the feeling of “everything is my fault” is a very common feeling and i believe by comparing that to a monster is very fitting. i like this idea that you painted of worrying if you’re the monster or is someone else. though, what does that feel like to you? is it guilt? is it frustration? i think by digging deeper with how that feels and where in your body that feels (your head, your stomach, etc.) would be an excellent and interesting facet to explore.

I run outside at 1 AM with only the moonlight to guide me

The alarm doesn’t go off; we never installed it when we moved here

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Stomping over and over again


i really dig this scene you have started. it’s mysterious and super interesting, but i was left wondering who or what woke you up? who or what made you feel compelled to start running? dive deeper! saying that the moonlight guided you is SOOO pretty and i absolutely adore that.

using a present simple tense and the present participle tense in the same sentence/idea feels a bit choppy to me. “i run/i sprint” act as the present simple tenses and “(i am) stomping” acts as the present participle. if i’m correct (and i say this because i truthfully can’t remember, please feel free to fact check me), i don’t believe these two can coincide together and the same tense needs to be used. if you want, it would also work to say something such as:

I sprint to the sidewalk and stomp on all the lines

Over and over again


it would get rid of that issue entirely. or, i do think that you could completely omit that second line. up to you with what you’d want to do with that!

Weeds and flowers were growing between the cracks

But I smashed them

It’s all his fault; he’s a monster

Sure, he left seeds in the cracks

But he was the one who made the cracks in the first place


this is definitely another one of those situations where the tenses should matter. i think seeing one conform tense of how this story is taking place would really benefit to the work.

in this portion of the poem, i like that you say that there are weeds and flowers growing. it contributes to making nature seem like a human thing, whereas you, or “he”, is the monster. with that, i think it’s a really really interesting idea to reflect on. you aren’t feeling as if you are human, and in order for monsters to exist, there needs to be humans or some human force to create those monsters. one thing i do want to point out in this portion is “he.” i feel as if this individual can be better established. is this who you believe the monster could be as well?

A stalk of floof peeks out from the damage at the edge of the path

I rip it from the ground and blow it away, without making a single wish

Am I the monster?


i personally don’t know if the word “floof” is the best word to use here. i love your flowery imagery you used before this part and “floof” to me feels a bit silly. i totally understand what you are trying to describe and achieve but don’t be afraid to explore some of your word options as well! again, in this section, might be some tense discrepancies, but this can be worked out. one thing that i want to see more of is the realization as to why you believe you are the monster. is it because you didn’t make a wish? is it because of something else? one thing that i have learned from writing poetry and this has been a repeated sentiment to me is “show, don’t tell.” show your story through vivid word imagery and paint your story. words are going to be the paint that colors your painting.

i really do enjoy this poem and i love the start that you have. free verse poems are kind of a difficult challenge with how to create your phrases, but i think you have an excellent grasp on how to master phrases to a point where it becomes effective! you’re on a fantastic track.

thank you so much for sharing your talent and i am looking forward to reading more poetry from you!




summerdepressionexe says...


Thank you so much for the critiques! After rereading the poem, I totally see where all of your criticisms are coming from; I constantly forget what tense I%u2019m writing in which results in things like this, haha. Thank you and have a great day!



summerdepressionexe says...


*I am*, I have no clue where all the random characters came from, apologies.




Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan