Young Writers Society

Hey sulagna!

I'm not sure if you wanted a review for both parts, but I figured I'd go ahead and finish the story

As and when Carol got to know that her parents were sound asleep and the house was completely silent, she went down tip toed.

The word structure of the two highlighted parts is written a little funny? I think it might work better if it was "When Carol was sure her parents were sound asleep, and the house completely silent, she tiptoed downstairs and out into the [warm/cold/descriptive word here] night." It flows more, and condenses a few things like "she went down tiptoeing" when it could just be "she tiptoed" or "when Carol got to know" it could just be "when she was sure".

“Mr. Graven is so careless” whispered Margaret

I thought Mr. Graven moved out? If the door's open, there might be another issue on their hands!

They went inside tip toed like a thief

This should be "They went inside, tiptoeing like thieves" since you're speaking about multiple people!

Though before, Carol sounded quiet brave but she was a little scared of darkness. Drake could understand that very well and clutched at her arm tightly!

I might describe her fear rather than outright saying it! Not only does it give the reader more insight on what she's feeling, but it also would make sense for Drake to notice! "Though she had put on a brave face before, Carol began shivering at the swaths of shadows covering the room. Drake, so closely beside her, could feel her tremors and put a steady hand on her arm." (I believe you're trying to write this in an omniscient narration style, so I wrote it that way!)

“Well don’t be scared.” Said Drake in a soft voice

“who’s Scared???”said Carol

“ya ,Ya nobody can understand you better than me?!” Said Drake

I want to write a quick example of expanding this into more than just dialogue, and this is a very sweet interaction so I figured I'd use it.

"Don't be scared," Drake said, softly, giving her arm a reassuring squeeze. His voice was a comfort against the looming darkness and unknown beyond.

But Carol had wanted to come here, and she didn't want to seem frightened in front of Drake. She had to be brave. She pulled her arm away, reluctant. "Scared? Who's scared?"

He smiled. "It's okay. You know nobody can understand you better than me? I can tell. You're safe with me."

I didn't add too much, but I just wanted to put in an example of weaving in things like description ("his voice was a comfort against the looming darkness and unknown beyond" -> tells us the house is frightening and dark and who knows what's lurking further in?), character ("she didn't want to seem frightened in front of Drake" and "She had to be brave" -> shows that Carol is the type of person who might try to conceal her emotions, for good or ill. "giving her arm a reassuring squeeze" and "He smiled" -> shows Drake cares a lot about Carol and that he's trying to make this as comfortable for her as possible), and actions/body language ("giving her arm a reassuring squeeze" and "She pulled her arm away" and "He smiled" -> conveys emotions without the characters having the say anything, even if there was no dialogue, there would still be a somewhat similar feeling to this interaction).

This isn't an attempt to change what you have written already, because everyone has different styles and preferences, it's more of a suggestion of what you could do to enrich the story you already have here!

So ,as Carol was moving step by step she got slipped by something and then landed on Drake .

They were not an inch far than each other.

Eyes wide feeling a little awkward Carol managed to pull herself from Drake.

You could condense this into one paragraph without losing anything! What I mean is (with a few changes just for clarity/sentence flow):
"As Carol was moving step by step, she slipped on something and landed on Drake, who caught her in his arm. They were not an inch from each other. Carol's eyes widened, and heat rushed to her cheeks. She pulled herself away from Drake, heart fluttering, her fear replaced by the embarrassment of her fall."
(this also would be showing more of how, rather than telling us what, that she's feeling!)

Mellissa stepped on something unusual

What makes it unusual? How much does she feel it through her shoe (as I... assume she's wearing shoes?)? I don't know what the floor is, so I don't know the consistency change from the floor to whatever she stepped in. Is it gooey? Squishy? Does it make a noise? Does her foot sink into the floor?

There's a careful balance in horror or mystery where, in some cases, you'll either want to over describe (for example, say her foot sinks into the floor and makes a noise. That could be:
"Mellissa took a step forward and rather than finding solid ground under her foot, she sunk into something that uttered a low, guttural squelching noise. She screamed and tried to pull her foot away and, for just a moment--a horrible moment--she could not get free. Then whatever it was released her, and she staggered backward, still screaming." <- spooky and specific!)
Or under describe! (I don't think I could make a good example of it in this particular instance, but the best way I can think to describe it is when something is so obviously out of place you just quickly mention it and move on and it will cast a sense of wrongness because it so clearly shouldn't be there. Like:
"As she entered the room, she found it dusty and unkempt, but no more out of place than any other kitchen she'd seen. There was an oven that had been cold for a long time, a stove top with rusted grates, a skeletal, severed hand floating six feet in the air near a window, and a round table with all the chairs pushed under neatly." <- one of those things is clearly not like the others and puts a foreboding presence into that sentence)

Then suddenly everybody got freezed by a voice coming from the next room

"got freezed" should just be "froze"

“BOOM !, “a sound of a gunshot came from the other room

If it's the sound of a gunshot, there shouldn't quotation marks around it since it isn't dialogue! You could use italics to emphasise it instead! (Unless someone is actually shouting "boom!" to make it sound like a gunshot in which case I revoke my comment ahaha)

“Oh God ! Please keep my video games safe from cousin after I die” said Mellissa

“Oh God ! Please keep my story books safe” added Carol

“Oh God ! please keep my family safe forever” said Margaret

“Please God! I wish nothing can harm Carol...Keep her safe!” Said Drake with eyes closed

This exchange made me laugh, it really brings out the characters personalities and it's a fun little moment of relief from the tension you're building in this moment.

“Oh ya ,when I entered the house I noticed that the TV was on .Probably the sound was coming from there.” Said Mr. Graven

“So Now I understood, that the unusual thing I stepped on was a remote and nothing else” said Mellissa

omg this is a hilarious end I love it!

(my earlier comments don't have much effect on the story this way, but I would still suggest describing something clunky that she steps on that and it scares her!)


This was a very sweet, light-hearted ending and I really enjoyed it! I loved how you built up the tension and then had it released there in such a fun twist at the end!

I really liked Drake's gentle, sweet personality in a contrast to Carol's more boisterous, excited, and strong one. I will say that I wished Mellissa and Margaret had more depth to them and got a little more chance to shine/were more defined as characters in the overall story, but I think you did pretty well on Drake and Carol!

Glancing down at Querencia's review, I don't want to hammer too much more on points that she's already made, but I do agree the timeline at the end is a little murky, and that I wish there had been more points of description and action to break up the dialogue. It has more feel of a script without all the components, but you could have a very good, very cute and suspenseful story on your hands with a little more to it!


I hope this helped you <3 Please let me know if you have any questions!

Have a fantastic day!