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Unusual Noises Part-2

by sulagna


Everybody was waiting for their parents to sleep. As and when Carol got to know that her parents were sound asleep and the house was completely silent, she went down tip toed.

They all met up at the Church Street.

“Hey! Do you still want to go in that creepy house??” asked Drake

“Oh yes for sure ! Don’t be a coward “answered Carol

“We are detectives and they don’t behave like this” added Mellissa

“Why we are waiting? Lets go!” said Carol with a voice of a capable leader

They all went inside the house from the backdoor which was to surprisingly open.

“Mr. Graven is so careless” whispered Margaret

“hmmmm” answered the rest

They went inside tip toed like a thief. It was complete darkness inside. Only Mellissa and Drake had the torch so they switched it on.

They made groups and went to two different rooms.

Mellissa and Margaret went to the living room and Carol and Drake to the other room.

Though before, Carol sounded quiet brave but she was a little scared of darkness. Drake could understand that very well and clutched at her arm tightly!

“Well don’t be scared.” Said Drake in a soft voice

“who’s Scared???”said Carol

“ya ,Ya nobody can understand you better than me?!” Said Drake

Just then something happened ,which I would say both awkward and sweet.

So ,as Carol was moving step by step she got slipped by something and then landed on Drake .

They were not an inch far than each other.

Eyes wide feeling a little awkward Carol managed to pull herself from Drake.

I do think that for Drake that would be the happiest moment.



On the other hand , Mellissa and Margaret were looking at different thinks like a real detective.

Suddenly ,Mellissa stepped on something unusual and was so scared that she screamed with all her energy.

Both the girls rushed into the other room. Drake and Carol had already sensed something terrible had happened.

“What happened?? Mellissa??” asked Carol

Soon they reached Carol and explained themselves.

“So you want to say that you stepped on something unusual” Said Drake

“Yes !” said Mellissa shivering with fear

Then suddenly everybody got freezed by a voice coming from the next room...

“PLEASE LEAVE ME!!”a call from the living room.

“What the hell is going on??Asked Carol

“Shall I go and check?” asked Drake

“ NO!!Are mad or what??” said Mellissa still shivering

“Oh now who is becoming a coward??”said Drake

“Oh ,How can you all quarrel at this moment??” said Carol

“BOOM !, “a sound of a gunshot came from the other room

“Oh my god ! who’s idea it was to come here??!” asked Margaret

“Yess ,It is so silly to come here “Added Mellissa

“But....now why you all are blaming me?”asked Carol

“Stop this! I had warned you before but you all were not at all bothered” said Drake

Another Boom! and they all grabbed each others hand.

“Can’t we just run away??”suggested Drake

“huh???” asked Mellissa

“NO !! You thought that You would escape so easily??

But No You will never!” came a grave voice from the other room

“hey! He can hear you” whispered Carol

“So at last we are trapped here?!,Wow” said Mellissa

“But I cant see anyone.” Said Drake

“Oh ho ! cant You understand ?? its not a human ,its probably a GHOST!!” said Carol

“Carol, It cant...”Drake tried to say something but was paused by another sound

A sound of shoes, coming nearer .

“I think he is coming to kill us!” exclaimed Mellissa

“Oh God ! Please keep my video games safe from cousin after I die” said Mellissa

“Oh God ! Please keep my story books safe” added Carol

“Oh God ! please keep my family safe forever” said Margaret

“Please God! I wish nothing can harm Carol...Keep her safe!” Said Drake with eyes closed

“What? Can’t you just think about yourself??” said Mellissa

“Ummm.. ..”Murmured Drake ,His face red and looking down

“I....I just mean that ...ya ! I don’t have any wishes that’s why I wished for her. Ummm ...that’s it “said Drake

“How Weird!”said Carol

The footsteps were still approaching and then a loud BANG!

And they all fainted.

The next day their parents with their worried faces were finding them here and there

“Margo!!” shouted Margaret’s mom

“Mellissa dear , Where are you??” asked Mellissa’s mom

“Carol ! I wont scold you ...please come here!”added Carols mom

Drake’s father was also finding him.

“Hey ! Drake where have You gone?”

Their search ended when Mr. Graven opened his house .

They all woke them up and asked what had happened .

After hearing their story, they all burst into laughter.

“Dear there are no ghosts!” said Mr. Graven

“And yes! I had not shifted, I had just gone to visit my cousin” continued Mr. Graven

“But those noises of footsteps??! What about that?” added Drake

“Oh ya ,when I entered the house I noticed that the TV was on .Probably the sound was coming from there.” Said Mr. Graven

“So Now I understood, that the unusual thing I stepped on was a remote and nothing else” said Mellissa

“Oh how fearful night it was...”added Carol

“Its ok ,But now It’s time for breakfast !Lets go!”Said Carols mom inviting all for breakfast at their house

They rushed to Carols House...

SO, here my story ends.

I would like to conclude saying that sometimes, people are not so brave as they look from outside.

And sometimes people are not so emotionless as they look from outside.

In case of Carol, though her detective case had become a fearful night but on the other hand

that night, for Drake had became the most the most wonderful night ever !

Maybe it was a return gift from Carol.

So ....Happy Ending!


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Sat May 23, 2020 8:52 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey sulagna!

I'm not sure if you wanted a review for both parts, but I figured I'd go ahead and finish the story :)

As and when Carol got to know that her parents were sound asleep and the house was completely silent, she went down tip toed.


The word structure of the two highlighted parts is written a little funny? I think it might work better if it was "When Carol was sure her parents were sound asleep, and the house completely silent, she tiptoed downstairs and out into the [warm/cold/descriptive word here] night." It flows more, and condenses a few things like "she went down tiptoeing" when it could just be "she tiptoed" or "when Carol got to know" it could just be "when she was sure".

“Mr. Graven is so careless” whispered Margaret


I thought Mr. Graven moved out? If the door's open, there might be another issue on their hands!

They went inside tip toed like a thief


This should be "They went inside, tiptoeing like thieves" since you're speaking about multiple people!

Though before, Carol sounded quiet brave but she was a little scared of darkness. Drake could understand that very well and clutched at her arm tightly!


I might describe her fear rather than outright saying it! Not only does it give the reader more insight on what she's feeling, but it also would make sense for Drake to notice! "Though she had put on a brave face before, Carol began shivering at the swaths of shadows covering the room. Drake, so closely beside her, could feel her tremors and put a steady hand on her arm." (I believe you're trying to write this in an omniscient narration style, so I wrote it that way!)

“Well don’t be scared.” Said Drake in a soft voice

“who’s Scared???”said Carol

“ya ,Ya nobody can understand you better than me?!” Said Drake


I want to write a quick example of expanding this into more than just dialogue, and this is a very sweet interaction so I figured I'd use it.

"Don't be scared," Drake said, softly, giving her arm a reassuring squeeze. His voice was a comfort against the looming darkness and unknown beyond.

But Carol had wanted to come here, and she didn't want to seem frightened in front of Drake. She had to be brave. She pulled her arm away, reluctant. "Scared? Who's scared?"

He smiled. "It's okay. You know nobody can understand you better than me? I can tell. You're safe with me."


I didn't add too much, but I just wanted to put in an example of weaving in things like description ("his voice was a comfort against the looming darkness and unknown beyond" -> tells us the house is frightening and dark and who knows what's lurking further in?), character ("she didn't want to seem frightened in front of Drake" and "She had to be brave" -> shows that Carol is the type of person who might try to conceal her emotions, for good or ill. "giving her arm a reassuring squeeze" and "He smiled" -> shows Drake cares a lot about Carol and that he's trying to make this as comfortable for her as possible), and actions/body language ("giving her arm a reassuring squeeze" and "She pulled her arm away" and "He smiled" -> conveys emotions without the characters having the say anything, even if there was no dialogue, there would still be a somewhat similar feeling to this interaction).

This isn't an attempt to change what you have written already, because everyone has different styles and preferences, it's more of a suggestion of what you could do to enrich the story you already have here!

So ,as Carol was moving step by step she got slipped by something and then landed on Drake .

They were not an inch far than each other.

Eyes wide feeling a little awkward Carol managed to pull herself from Drake.


You could condense this into one paragraph without losing anything! What I mean is (with a few changes just for clarity/sentence flow):
"As Carol was moving step by step, she slipped on something and landed on Drake, who caught her in his arm. They were not an inch from each other. Carol's eyes widened, and heat rushed to her cheeks. She pulled herself away from Drake, heart fluttering, her fear replaced by the embarrassment of her fall."
(this also would be showing more of how, rather than telling us what, that she's feeling!)

Mellissa stepped on something unusual


What makes it unusual? How much does she feel it through her shoe (as I... assume she's wearing shoes?)? I don't know what the floor is, so I don't know the consistency change from the floor to whatever she stepped in. Is it gooey? Squishy? Does it make a noise? Does her foot sink into the floor?

There's a careful balance in horror or mystery where, in some cases, you'll either want to over describe (for example, say her foot sinks into the floor and makes a noise. That could be:
"Mellissa took a step forward and rather than finding solid ground under her foot, she sunk into something that uttered a low, guttural squelching noise. She screamed and tried to pull her foot away and, for just a moment--a horrible moment--she could not get free. Then whatever it was released her, and she staggered backward, still screaming." <- spooky and specific!)
Or under describe! (I don't think I could make a good example of it in this particular instance, but the best way I can think to describe it is when something is so obviously out of place you just quickly mention it and move on and it will cast a sense of wrongness because it so clearly shouldn't be there. Like:
"As she entered the room, she found it dusty and unkempt, but no more out of place than any other kitchen she'd seen. There was an oven that had been cold for a long time, a stove top with rusted grates, a skeletal, severed hand floating six feet in the air near a window, and a round table with all the chairs pushed under neatly." <- one of those things is clearly not like the others and puts a foreboding presence into that sentence)

Then suddenly everybody got freezed by a voice coming from the next room


"got freezed" should just be "froze" :)

“BOOM !, “a sound of a gunshot came from the other room


If it's the sound of a gunshot, there shouldn't quotation marks around it since it isn't dialogue! You could use italics to emphasise it instead! (Unless someone is actually shouting "boom!" to make it sound like a gunshot in which case I revoke my comment ahaha)

“Oh God ! Please keep my video games safe from cousin after I die” said Mellissa

“Oh God ! Please keep my story books safe” added Carol

“Oh God ! please keep my family safe forever” said Margaret

“Please God! I wish nothing can harm Carol...Keep her safe!” Said Drake with eyes closed


This exchange made me laugh, it really brings out the characters personalities and it's a fun little moment of relief from the tension you're building in this moment.

“Oh ya ,when I entered the house I noticed that the TV was on .Probably the sound was coming from there.” Said Mr. Graven

“So Now I understood, that the unusual thing I stepped on was a remote and nothing else” said Mellissa


omg this is a hilarious end I love it!

(my earlier comments don't have much effect on the story this way, but I would still suggest describing something clunky that she steps on that and it scares her!)


This was a very sweet, light-hearted ending and I really enjoyed it! I loved how you built up the tension and then had it released there in such a fun twist at the end!

I really liked Drake's gentle, sweet personality in a contrast to Carol's more boisterous, excited, and strong one. I will say that I wished Mellissa and Margaret had more depth to them and got a little more chance to shine/were more defined as characters in the overall story, but I think you did pretty well on Drake and Carol!

Glancing down at Querencia's review, I don't want to hammer too much more on points that she's already made, but I do agree the timeline at the end is a little murky, and that I wish there had been more points of description and action to break up the dialogue. It has more feel of a script without all the components, but you could have a very good, very cute and suspenseful story on your hands with a little more to it!


I hope this helped you <3 Please let me know if you have any questions!

Have a fantastic day!




sulagna says...


thank u for the review



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Wed May 20, 2020 7:30 pm
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Que wrote a review...



Hi again sulagna!

I think this was a great ending to your story, a really funny twist at the end. :) I thought it was adorable that Drake wished to keep Carol safe when everyone else was wishing for their own belongings. I enjoyed reading! Just a few more comments to make here.

The first thing I wanted to mention was the narration. I think you've been writing this a bit in third person unlimited/omniscient--the story is being told from an outside perspective, but the actions of all the different characters at different times are known, even when they're not all in the same place. However, when you jump in and say "I" in the middle and at the end, stating what you yourself think, it gets a little strange!

I think that if you want to make this work, you could start the first section of your story by saying, "I once heard a story of some children and a haunted house" and then tell the story. Without this kind of introduction from you as a narrator, however, it can throw readers off to jump in with the first person "I" here. The first part of this article can be helpful in telling you more about the different kinds of narration if you're interested!

I mentioned in your first part that you could use some more description of action rather than just the dialogue, and I wanted to reiterate here. I think that the haunted house could be quite creepy, but you don't give very much description other than it was dark. This is the perfect place to talk about strange noises and creaky floors, maybe cold drafts of air. You can go all out, and this is a great genre for it!

There's just a little bit of confusion that I wanted to mention as well. When the four of them faint, the timeline gets a little murky. Where do their parents come from? Does this confrontation happen in the house? I think there's a search going on, but since you mention each of the four parents separately, it gets a little tricky to tell quite what's going on. I think it might help if you said "searching" for them instead of "finding" them!

Mr. Graven says, "I had not shifted, I had just gone to visit my cousin"--I think here and in the first part, you meant to say "moved" instead? They're similar words, but moving out of a house is very different from the idea of "shifted" and I think that caused me a bit of confusion! You might just want to consider rephrasing.

Again, very cute ending. I love how it was just from stepping on a remote that the TV was turned on! And of course Drake had a great time at the haunted house. I think you have a very good overall structure and flow of plot! Happy writing. :)

-Q




sulagna says...


Thank u for ur beautiful review! That will help a lot.



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Wed May 20, 2020 7:45 am
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potter4life wrote a review...



Hi!I am here for a review!I just wanted to say that i really liked the plotline,but i do not quite understand why they fainted?But it was a really good story afterall.
I just want to point out some areas that you can improve on!

you wrote this but you are actually supposed to write this
like her,“And yes! I had not shifted, I had just gone to visit my cousin” continued Mr. Graven

“And yes! I have not shifted, I had just gone to visit my cousin” continued Mr. Graven
Have not had.

Here is another place you could write better,

you wrote
In case of Carol, though her detective case had become a fearful night but on the other hand

you should write

On the other hand, though Carol's detective case it had become a fearful night for her but on the other hand
You know,some errors here and there but i liked the ending!

You can use show not tell to make it better so you wont jusyt tell people what they are doing but elaborate a little more on what the person is doing.


I hope my review is helpful to you and ya!
good job!




sulagna says...


Thank u for the review! Ya will try to rectify my mistakes...and yes they all fainted because of fear. I think I am still not able to explain myself through my writing. ok then ...once again thx




Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse. It cannot be done. You can’t fake quality any more than you can fake a good meal.
— William S. Burroughs