Hey sulagna! I'm back, just as requested 
“Dear, do hurry!” said Carol’s mother.
As far as an introduction to a story goes, there's not much here? It does pose the question, where are they going in a hurry, as well as who Carol is, and there's not much of a story hook. I don't think it's a bad first line, if it's the one you like, since as I said, it does raise those two questions.
Oh yes I know, replied Carol putting one slice of bread in her mouth .
There should be quotation marks around "Oh yes, I know", as well as a comma after "Carol" and no space between "mouth" and the period.
As soon as she seated herself on her seat she was surrounded by her friends- Drake, Margaret and Mellissa.
First quick thing: generally you want to avoid repetition (aside from structure words that crop up all the time like "the" "at" "she" "on" and so on) of word like this in prose because it's distracting and disrupts the flow of your story (and we want the reader to be absorbed in the story, not stuck on some tiny errors that are easily fixed). For example, this line could be "As soon as she was seated [in her class?], her friends--Drake, Margaret, and Mellissa--flocked around her."
This would also be a good place to describe where she is! Since I'm assuming she didn't get to school and immediately collapse onto the floor (which would be pretty funny but impractical), I think you mean that she went to her class? Or maybe it's after class at lunch hour, and they're now all sitting together during their break? Don't be afraid to description the setting and what's going on around her! It immerses the reader more in your story and gives them a better picture they can imagine as they read!
“Hey ! did You get to buy the latest book?” asked Drake curiously.
Aside from the small grammatical things (should be "Hey! Did you get to buy the latest book?"), there's a few things I want to comment on? Firstly, what latest book? There's a thousand latest books. Latest book from a specific author? Latest cookbook recommended by your favourite chef? Just saying "the latest book" doesn't offer any insight into what book Drake is talking about. Don't be afraid to get specific!
Secondly, adding "curiously" to the dialogue tag is redundant. If he's asking, this already implies he's curious. It's the same as writing "he ran quickly" (running is inherently quick, the only way that you would add an adverb onto "running" that wouldn't already be implied is if it was something like "he ran slowly", because running is not inherently slow). Watch for adding adverbs, especially onto dialogue tags, to make sure they actually add something to the prose instead of just repeating something that's already there!
Have I dumped enough text on you already?
They all love to read the tales of Sherlock holmes and are always waiting to hear or read the great deeds of Holmes.
Okay, so they all love Sherlock Holmes! Then I would have written on the earlier line "Hey! Have you gotten to buy the latest Sherlock Holmes story yet?" I might even throw in something like "The latest mystery was crazy! I can't believe what happened at the end!" because that adds more substance, but it's not necessary at all!
“Ok then as soon as u get it please don’t forget to call me.” said Margaret .
When you're writing dialogue (or general prose), you don't want to use "text speech". If you're writing a written or text conversation, go for it! But in this instance, "u" should be "you."
Also! when you finish dialogue, and a dialogue tag follows that dialogue (as it does here), the ending punctuation mark should be a comma! In this line, you put a period, which would apply if "said Margaret" didn't follow it.
“Yess mom but do you remember something....”
Mother did not let Carol finish her sentence and said with a anger on her face,”when will you grow up?? I have told you so many times to concentrate on your studies rather than doing naughtiness in class.”
Just go back to your room! Immediately !!
I'm not sure why her mother is getting so angry with Carol? She didn't say anything that would suggest she wasn't paying attention to her studies or "not growing up" (also,, she's thirteen?? If she was seventeen or eighteen, that would make sense, but this seems a little young?). The only thing was that she was a little dismissive, but her mum didn't ask anything specific about her studies, just if she attended her classes (to which she did say "ya"), so I'm not sure why her mum is suddenly so angry with her.
By this time Carol ‘s face had became quiet upset.
Instead of telling the reader that she had an upset expression on her face, describe how she's expressing her frustration. Is she scowling? Frowning? Are her cheeks red? Does she grit her teeth and clench her fists? Or maybe she's just upset at her mother's anger and there are tears in her eyes. Each of these reactions has a slightly different implication as to how exactly Carol is feeling.
(I also believe you meant "quite" and not "quiet"
)“For me?! But what is it??” asked Carol
Like text speech, in normal prose, you don't put more than one punctuation mark (unless it's an ellipsis "..."). The interrobang is fine, but there should only be one question mark.
When you do use punctuation (that isn't the common period, comma, quotation marks, or anything else used in everyday prose) like an ellipsis (or em dashes, in my experience), you don't want to overuse them, because the more you use them the more they lose the impact they otherwise have in prose (ellipsis in dialogue are generally to mark a pause or hesitation in speech, but if used too much, it's easy to brush over them and lose the effect you want to have for your character's dialogue).
I only pointed this out because you used quite a few ellipses in the exchange between Carol and Drake when he gives her the Sherlock Holmes novel!
“Oh, can’t I just imagine” said carol
“Oh Oh Don’t be angry ...it was my mistake ...I apologise” said Drake
I'm,, not sure I understand what Drake is apologising for? Carol doesn't seem angry (Also, Carol should always be capitalised in prose!) in context or in her dialogue, and Drake said something that was true.
Querencia already covered that the story has mostly dialogue and suggested ways to help remedy that, so I'm not going to bring it up now.
I would suggest finding some sort of editor (like Grammarly, or if you have Microsoft Word it should catch some grammar stuff -- though it is not very reliable for everything) to catch some of the grammatical issues? I didn't point out all the them (I generally don't find those kinds of reviews very helpful so I try to avoid writing them), but the prose is stilted somewhat by those issues (which are not hard to fix, and happen to everyone
).I might suggest that, rather than having the kids having heard someone else say they heard strange noises coming from the abandoned house, that one of them might have passed the house on a walk and heard something strange themselves. This gives them more incentive (although they don't need much as they seem to already want to be detectives, which was a nice tie-in with Sherlock Holmes by the way!) to check it out.
I mentioned dialogue tags earlier and I'm going to bring them up once more. Almost, if not all, of the dialogue you wrote is followed by "he/she said" "he/she exclaimed" "he/she replied" and so on. Dialogue tags are useful for clarification in stories when it isn't clear who is talking, and occasionally if emotion isn't conveyed in the dialogue or context itself (if your characters are in a quiet room and have been mentioned to be using lowered voices, you don't have to attach "she whispered" onto every line of dialogue). Too many dialogue tags distract from your prose, so she want to rely less on using them every time there's dialogue (and only when you need to clarify who's speaking).
Another way to clarify who is speaking is starting paragraphs with a character's action. For example:
Carol sat up straight and clapped her hands together, delighted at the idea of investigating the way that Sherlock Holmes did. "I have an idea! We can go and find out the cause of those noises!"
Beside her, Margaret nodded thoughtfully. "Wow. Sounds fun!"
"I'm in!" Mellissa said.
In that example, since Carol was the first and only character mentioned in the paragraph, it's clear she's the one speaking, and so a dialogue tag isn't necessary for this instance, as is the case for Margaret's line. Mellissa was the only one who needed a dialogue tag, since just writing "I'm in!" wouldn't have given insight into who was speaking.
Hopefully that makes sense?
I love that you tied in the kids' love of Sherlock Holmes and turned it into a motivation to investigate something themselves! That's very sweet. I'm also largely partial to stories about kids solving mysteries, so you've already got a soft spot of mine covered.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! Hopefully this was helpful
I hope you have a wonderful day!
Points: 14090
Reviews: 351
Donate