There is an empty carton on the edge of my desk. It sits shrouded in the shadows from the dresser, shrinking away from the fairy lights and the oils smeared over a palette. Bitter dregs are the remnants of raspberry water, once sweet and fresh and irresistible. Now, they lie congealed and repulsive, condemned.
My grandmother is this carton, my carton grandmother. She sits in the same soft armchair, shrunken away from the light and the windows. She sits there, my lonely lovely carton grandmother, day after day, and waits gently for death.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi suki, and welcome to YWS!
This is a unique comparison: an empty carton and a dying grandmother. I like how you put those two together - it's different, for sure. I can't help but find the bit on light and windows/palette clever. If I had an empty carton such as you have and a dying grandmother, I would have never even thought they had something in common. But, in fact, they do, and that's what makes this beautiful.
I think you could have made this longer. It's short as it stands, and I think maybe some history would help bring your comparison across stronger. For example, why is the grandmother this way - sitting, waiting for death? Why is there an empty carton on your desk? I'm sure the two must have more in common than what you have written. Why not share more of their similarities? Why not bring this all to a point? Is there a true statement you could end this all with? That would give it more of an essay type feel, but I think it might work!
One note I mentally made when reading this concerns the bitter dregs. They're inside the carton, but when comparing, you point out the grandmother is not so beautiful on the outside. You don't mention how she is personality-wise, or if she's hardened internally.
I'm also wondering: how do you wait gently for death? It's an interesting adverb to use there.
Hope this helps!
~rosette <3
Hello there,
Reading this I realized that there was actually a lot to this. I originally was confused, but then I looked at it again and I think I understand it better now.
The picture you painted is well done, and quite simplistic. I like that. I probably would never have thought to compare anyone I know to a carton, but that was a pretty genius comparison. It makes a lot of sense looking at it.
Carton Grandma
contents were sweet Used to be young and beautiful, now
are now congealed and gross. growing old and beginning to lose her looks
I don't have a lot of critiques, mainly because I am not sure how to give one to this kind of writing. But I did find myself distracted because I wanted to know what kind of carton it was. That, of course, doesn't matter much but my mind goes to these places easily. I wonder if this would benefit from a description of what was inside the carton. If it might make it more concrete? Like, I said, it's not so important, but it could add something to it if you wanted to try it. Perhaps her favorite kind of drink, so as to relate it back to her or something of that kind.
I also wonder if this could be placed into the format of a poem somehow. Not that it needs to, just that I feel it could fit nicely.
Anyways, I enjoyed this. Thank you for your writing!
Good luck, keep writing, and I hope to see more from you in the future!
Lady Loki
I had a feeling it would do that...
so here's what the carton, grandma thing was supposed say:
Carton
contents were sweet
are now congealed and gross.
Grandma
Used to be young and beautiful, now
growing old and beginning to lose her looks