(Not done)
My childhood sucked, in fact, it was so bad it probably left the worst hole in human history. When I was about three years old my mother committed suicide, because she loved another man other then my father.
She left without a word, and that's when the dark clouds rolled in.
He soon took the anger and sorrow out at me. And he did this while drunk out of his mind. I would be silently be watching T.V in the living room, sipping on some Juicy Juice, when he would burst in with a fit. He slapped so hard, that I lost consciousness for a little while. But it didn't stop there.
He would always curse at me and kick me hard. And he would do even worse everyday, more and more.
The abuse would continue until I was 5. And it would be the last time I would ever see any of my family members again.
After narrowing escaping one day a brutally beating, I ran out the front door running into a mail carrier. She was at least twenty, tan complexion, and she in my five-year-old mind, was beautiful even though she was stressed out. My father came with out with a bamboo stick in his hand, not knowing she was there. He walked right passed the lady, and pulled my inside by my hair and hit me hard in my head.
The lady in absolute horror, pushed my drunken father and helped me up toward the street. She called the police and whisked me away. He was arrested and sent to prison for a really long time.
The lady whose name was Marcy Perez took guardianship of me, she wanted to adopt a child anyways, but didn't know how to.
But the nightmare didn't end there.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I had barely any time to write the beginning, but I completed the beginning, and it's quite better.
I promise to write the Reviews ASAP.
I'm not sure if it cuts off by intention or by error... Either way, Welcome to YWS? If you have any questions about the site feel free to PM me.
I suggest you take a look at the rules:
It's a kindness! So please make those two critiques. It will also get others to notice you, and make them more likely to review your work.
Additionally, why not introduce yourself in the welcome forum so we could get to know you a bit?
I'm not sure what to say to the actually story, both because of it's content and because it's short. It looks like it's a journal entry - and not an entertaining one. "My life sucked!" is not something I want to read. Make me interested, and make me care about your character before they start to whine about their life.
Another thing I quickly notice is telling. "He took the anger out on me" could be used to create the beginning of this chapter. Rather telling us "My life sucked!" show us. Write a scene where your character is abused by his/her father - that will show us why his/her life is so horrible, and will avoid all the telling!
I hope this helped, and if you have any questions feel free to PM me.