Published April 3, 2010
Lets press ourlipstogether and watch the atmosphere catch fire burning the brightest green we've seen since the Hulk got angry. We can s/n/a/p the i
c
i
c
l
e
s
from outside my window and fight for my honor before they both soak into my carpet.
I'll turn the Olympics on and let you tell me of GREATNESS and I'll n-o-d like I understand what it's like to make a difference.
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"You ignite the clouds out side my window. I watch them smolder like wrapping paper during Christmas spilling pine scented rain onto my roof."
"I can see you dance in the rain with out looking"
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I won't let you know I'm ordinary.
You will brush my shoulders with your breath but I will feel the tingles in my toes, sneaking through my socks.
You can't know I'm ordinary, but you're too special for me to keep to
myself.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,425 Reviews
I see you have a peculiar way of writing,i like it! You executed it nicely! "You cant know I'm ordinary" i love it! and the whole structure screams I'm not ordinary,though the words are saying how you need to hide the fact that you are.....i have to say it.. Genius!!
~Lady Kix
Hey
It is pretty clear that you have talent! Your use of description is extremely good! But I do actually agree with Esme on the fact that I don't really like the style. Don't take it personally though, it's just my opinion! If you're comfortable writing in this style, then that is fine. I just don't personally like it.
Overall, I definitely believe that you have potential! Your style might not be my taste, but I'm sure it's plenty of other people's taste!
Sorry to go off topic here, but this really annoyed me
It's fine if you disagree with Esme, but you don't have to be rude about it. She was simply stating her opinion. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, mate.
In my opinion, YWS's review standard is pretty good. And anyway, the whole point in reviewing here on YWS is to help improve your reviewing skills as well as improve your writing skills. Not every review is going to be amazing.
Sorry about that Suicidal, I'm just a bit touchy when it comes to politeness!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
WOW.
This is so amazing. The idea was good but it seems t might be in the wrong place... Is this supposed to be about love or something completely different. It just seems like it would fit better in the romantic fiction section... anyway.
I loved the icicles part. SO CREATIVE. you'll go far.
Keep writin'
Biffle
I like this. I think the writing style suits you. You should write more stories like this.
Surely, if you're not experienced with this sort of writing, you shouldn't be trying to review it. Considering the fact that all you're going to be pointing out are flaws which you have no suggestions on how to rectify.
(Just to let you know: I'm here to improve YWS's standard of critiquing and reviewing, and will therefore be commenting on people's actual reviews as much as I review myself.)
Hello!
Welcome to YWS, hope you'll love it here.
OK, so you've got a novel idea as to how to show a story. The spacing and lettering out and the such. Well, I didn't like it – I frankly can't stand anything that's not running old-fashioned text. E-mail infested story, for example? I can't stand them. Horrid.
But those e-mails stories and whatnot sometimes actually manage to tell a story. And here, I didn't really find one, you know? What is this? Is it a story at all, really? Or just a collection of floating about sentences that are more or less thematic.
Lack of apostrophes, sometimes a period – that plain irritated me. Innovative writing? Macabre. Apparently not my cup of tea
This feels more like a poem than story, in my opinion. I hate poetry, imagine that. Ignorance breeds hatred, haha. I know I'm not being that constructive – but how about making an actual story out of this? With chatacers, plot, not just phrases being tossed at the reader. They might be meaningful, sure, but now they just feel random.
This is a lovely idea, and you've pulled it off well -- as a result I have hardly any comments to make, but take note anyway:
Spoiler
Do you write in this style often? It suits you. Don't drop this: if I were you, I'd write two or three more pieces similar to this, perhaps varying the lengths a little. It would be immensely valuable as a chance to really hone your skills, because you could take this a long way, and I mean that.
I really enjoyed this! The icicles part was clever. I especially loved the "..toes, sneaking through my socks." I like the message too, saying "you can't know I'm ordinary."
Great job and keep up the good work!
<3 Sara.