Behind the smile is a dry tear ...
Behind a strong saying is a weak girl.
Behind the lighten eyes is a broken heart
A faith ... will be hard to get back again,
A true love ... will be a luxurious gift to me.
Friends are all I have now.
Smile ...
Leave everything behind
Just walk away.
From the mess called " LOVE "
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello !
First I'd like to say welcome to YWS! I'm a fellow thirteen year old newbie, so if you need anything - a friend, instructions, etc. - just PM me and I'll follow up shortly.
Onto your poem.
I could really empathize with your poem. Your mask says you’re a strong, independent girl, but behind the smiles and bright eyes are a bunch of tears and frowns just fighting to seep through. Connecting with the reader is a key point in writing, but you’ve got that accomplished.
You said
To give us more vivid mental images, you could have used some color descriptives such as “behind the sapphire eyes”. (As I’m not too sure what your eye color is, I’m just going to spontaneously use blue.)
The ending to your poem was very good. It’s sad too see young girls wallow in their grief over the loss of a loved one. I like when independent girls can pick up the pieces and move on; it shows that guys can be physically strong, but girls can be emotionally strong.
Ultimately, I enjoyed your poem. I kind of got the vibe that you wrote it off a Kelly Clarkson song?
Haha :]
Hope to hear from you soon, suicidal_panda !
Hello !
First I'd like to say welcome to YWS! I'm a fellow thirteen year old newbie, so if you need anything - a friend, instructions, etc. - just PM me and I'll follow up shortly.
Onto your poem.
I could really empathize with your poem. Your mask says you’re a strong, independent girl, but behind the smiles and bright eyes are a bunch of tears and frowns just fighting to seep through. Connecting with the reader is a key point in writing, but you’ve got that accomplished.
You said
To give us more vivid mental images, you could have used some color descriptives such as “behind the sapphire eyes”. (As I’m not too sure what your eye color is, I’m just going to spontaneously use blue.)
The ending to your poem was very good. It’s sad too see young girls wallow in their grief over the loss of a loved one. I like when independent girls can pick up the pieces and move on; it shows that guys can be physically strong, but girls can be emotionally strong.
Ultimately, I enjoyed your poem. I kind of got the vibe that you wrote it off a Kelly Clarkson song?
Haha :]
Hope to hear from you soon, suicidal_panda !
Alright, hi and welcome to YWS!
Good job, overall. Just work at the wording.
I said:
"...I know your hormones are blooming but this is not a reason to let love away."
Hello Panda! Welcome to the young writers society! If you have any questions about the site or need help finding something, feel free to message me. Also, on a larger note, have you read YWS' rules? One rule says that for everyone 1 story/poem you post you should review 2 of something else. ^_~ So maybe you should get reviewing!
don't let it dishearten you!
Darko said you're thirteen and writing a bout love and that perhaps you should stay away from that, but I don't think any writer should stay away from writing about something that want to.
Now to the actual poem. As it is it makes a great skeleton for a full poem. A lot of your descriptions are thin and don't go far enough to affect me or make me feel anything. Yes! That's right. Not only should your poem matter to you, it should matter to the reader. Poetry isn't just a journal entry flung on the page, or, it can be, but you also have to let the reader in on the secret. I have no idea what happened to the speaker, and why she feels this way, so how can I relate to her? You talk about broken hearts and true love, but how can you make me see these things so I relate and feel what the speaker feels? Instead of talking vaguely about the whole situations, why not pinpoint a moment, or talk specifically about the emotion, and describe it in full poetic way: metaphor, simile, imagery of the senses (not just sight!), sound devices.
You might be tilting your head to the left and wondering what any of those things I just talked about were. Well maybe you shoudl look them up! They're incredebly important to poetry. You know what else is incredebly important to writing poetry? Reading poetry. Yes! Reading poetry is how I learnt to write poetry, and it can honestly help you more than anything else. So, if you have not already, run over to your local library and dive into the poetry section! Your brain (and your muse) will thank you for it later.
Again if you have any questions about the site, or about this review, feel free to message me. Best of luck!
First of all, welcome to YWS... Second, you are only 13 and you are writing about love. I know your hormones are blooming but this is not a reason to let love away.
3. Line spacing- Get rid of it.
4. Try again, don't give up.