Published December 22, 2008
Our forbidden love~
No one can take it away
Together forever
Till death do we part
Yet even then you cannot pry us apart
Our hands clenched together
Our hearts each others
Our body's we share
Our mind is one
It doesn't matter what you say
You can stare
But we don't care.
We love one another
No matter what we are
<3
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141,616 Literary Works • 675,164 Reviews
Hey panda! Welcome to YWS. I just wanted to say I agree with the above comments (except, you know, who knows what you've experienced at 13?
) and add one thing: I would, for sure, take out the underlines, the bold, and the italics. I understand that you included them to emphasize certain words, but they actually take away from the poem. If it's done right, your poem's words should emphasize themselves instead of formatting. Do you see what I mean? And it's the same with the <3 at the end.
.)
To reiterate what was said above, I would have had no idea what this poem is about had you not told us it was about gay love. (Also, 'body's' should be 'bodies'
Good idea-now just make it clearer! And don't hesitate to PM me if you need help.
xxxxx
This was a good poem but a bit cliche. It just sounds wierd when a 13 year old talks about this forbidden love. Anyhoo it doesn't really matter what I think, just know that this was a wonderful poem and you have excellent rhyming potential. I still have one question, though. Was this poem in any way realated to gay love? I'm just wondering because of something the other reviewer said. It sounds better if you don't mention anything about gay marriage because it flows better. But- hey- like I said before, it's up to you.
I enjoyed critiquing!
-Moony
Hi Panda! Welcome to YWS!
This poem does not mention, even once, that this is about gay rights. You should mention it at least once so the readers understand.
This poem was rather flat. You need to actually add emotion to this poem. Add a story. If you read this, you might think this came from a preacher wedding a man and a woman.
Give this poem a more poetic air, because right now, it looks like a sort of diary entry. "People don't like us being together, but heck, who cares?" this is what I am getting. Add some more details to this poem so I can see what is happening and that it makes me want to reach out to the two lovers. Make me want to feel for them, because right now, I am getting nothing.
Pm me if you have any questions.
*Princess*