i dont want to use this ass website anymore why cant i delete my shit

Hey there!

I'm guessing that, from your custom title and name, you're a Fall Out Boy fan? *High fives* They're awesome

On to the review. There sure is a lot of action. In fact, there's almost too much action. You jump from scene to scene so rapidly that it's hard for the reader to keep up with what's going on. I agree with the other reviewer in that you need to slow it down a bit. Take your time. Describe the scene using the five senses. You've told us the first room has blood on the walls. Describe what it looks like. 'Red splatters mingling with the peeling wall paper.' It's a lame example, but you get the point. It's enables the reader to picture what's going on. Also, what does the room smell like? Death? Feel like? Is the atmosphere tense? What can the MC hear? Gun shots? I'm not trying to patronise you, rather give you suggestions on how you can build the story up a bit. Of course, you don't have to do this for every single scene, but every now and again it would be nice to get a clearer picture.

I know this is only part one, and it's really short, but I feel like we need more background to the story. Why are the cops dead? Why is he running? Who's the lady in the room who he shoots? You don't have to answer all of the questions in this part, but answering at least one of them will help the reader to understand what's going on.

Overall, slow the pace down and describe to paint a clearer picture to your readers.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

I think that you need to slow down and take the time and draw a picture when you write. You jump from place to place as if we knew what was going on. Don't get me wrong it's good to keep the people wondering but i think that you need to use your five senses a little more in the writing. Other than that it looks like it would be a good story.

sugarweregoingdown wrote:"That excruciating-!"