Chapter One
I hadn’t intended on being here, especially not today of all days. The typically busy, overcrowded, and suffocating atmosphere of this place I have called home for the entirety of my life is always intensified by the presence of diplomatic officials who swarm the palace. It is for our own good, I know, though it is difficult to see the benefit of filling the King’s palace full of people who are not loyal to his crown. This, however, is only my opinion. Clearly, the King feels otherwise. Now, standing outside the ornate, golden-crest doorway, I wonder for the moment what could possibly be so important that I would be asked for when there were so many advisors, diplomats, and royal officers filling the halls.
“Your presence has been specifically requested. This is important.” The reminder from the young woman who stood just a foot behind me reminded me of my purpose here. I glanced back at her, seeing the anxiety barely concealed on her face. Her dark hair was neatly tied back, except for one whisp that must have come loose during her frantic rush to get me here in a presentable manner. She did not enjoy this either, I realized with a jolt. For both our sakes, I should attend to this duty and leave as soon as possible.
I put my hand on the crystal doorknob and slowly turned to the handle. Without any idea of who would be on the other side of the door, I inched it open slowly until I could see that the room was empty except for one tall figure facing the ceiling-to-floor windows and looking out into the expansive gardens that surround the palace. “You’ll wait for me?” I whispered to Tillie as she began to close the doors behind me. She gave me a barely perceptible nod of the head before the door clicked shut.
I walked around the expansive table, made of the finest wood and shined every morning in preparation for the convocation which would meet here each day. Now, the table was completely empty. I stepped up next to the windows, but the man beside me made no indication that he noticed my presence. “I suppose I shall take my invitation here as simply the result of loneliness.” I kept my voice low, and I choose to keep my eyes fixed on the marble fountain in the courtyard.
“You may believe what you wish, Addison, but I have called you here for a purpose and I intend for you to listen carefully.” His voice was on the edge between harsh and civil. I couldn’t imagine why he could possibly be angry with me when I haven’t spoken to him in over a month.
“I will listen, as I presume this must involve me or I would not stand beside you as I do.” I felt him turn towards me, but I made no move to face him.
“Addison.” His voice softened. “It is difficult for me to make this decision, but it has been many months since your coming of age, and this cannot be wholly unexpected.”
I would have agreed that it was not unexpected if I had had some idea of what he was talking about. “I can’t imagine what would be so important that you would invite me out of all the people in the palace.”
“You are to be married, Addison.” He didn’t go on.
Indignation rose in my chest. He would not do this to me again, making decisions for me as if I could never make a decision on my own. “Am I to have any say in whom I marry?” My voice was dangerously close to disrespect.
The King turned back to face the window. “You will do as I ask for the good of our Kingdom.”
“Our Kingdom?” Now I didn’t care that my voice rose or that my tone lacked any form of reverence. “At what point has this Kingdom been mine? I have been practically a prisoner in these walls for my entire life, and only invited out when it profits you. Now, you plan to use my marriage to your benefit as well. Excuse meif I won’t do as you ask.”
“You will do as I say, Addison.”
“I will run away. I have no desire to marry a man I don’t know, or go to a palace I don’t recognize to benefit you.” I turned away from him, and walked swiftly back towards the doors. I had opened the door and was about to thrust it shut when I heard his final words. “Return to me when you are ready to know the details of your betrothed.” Fire burned in my veins.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
But if you do consider changing it, or just want to see what other options there are, try http://www.babynames.com/. I always use it when I need something. You can choose what you want your name to mean, what letter you want it to start with, and search by nationality.
I noticed part two in greenroom. Read it and liked it, so decided to read part one as well. After reading, I had to review.
First off, I really like your main character. She seems to know what she wants. But the name. Addison is a very modern name, and this seems to be centered in a fantasy age. It's alright if you want to keep it. I have a name that I can't get ride of in my writing, as well. I choose it as temporary, but Eric grew into it.
You say that there is a ton of people everywhere in the hall, but I get the feeling that they are on their own. I don't know if you did that on purpose, or if it was accidental. You can add a comment about how the sound of her voice sounded over the murmur already in the halls. Or if you want to say that there was a lot of people there without saying it to your readers face, mention the change in atmosphere that happens when she walks into the room with the King.
Weeelll, there's nothing like springing it on a girl. Um, one question. Wouldn't her first question be who? She asks if she has a share in the decision, but it would be more natural if she demanded to know who. I know that would be my thought. I'd tear his eyes out after I found out.
Who is she? We have no idea who she is that the king take such interest in her. I know we find out in the next chapter, but we are left wondering here. Anything, just a small hint about it will work.
Well, that's all I can find. This wasn't my best review, I'm a little out of practice. You got the warmup review. Well, I'm definitely going to be following your work as it goes. Please tag me or PM whenever another chapter comes out. I'll review the second chapter as soon as I can.
Keep writing!
Thanks for your comments! Very helpful.
About her response to being told she will be married... The reason she doesn't ask who is because there is no one that she is ready to marry, or particularly wants to marry. Because of that, she is mostly concerned about being controlled. Thanks for your thoughts!
Very nice start you've got here. You've definitely aroused my curiosity enough to want to read more of this tale and see how this dreadfully arranged marriage will play out. I do have a complaint though. I feel like in the first paragraph, you kept describing the same thing in many different ways with different words. You kept talking about how many people and what kind of people are constantly in the palace over and over again so it pulled me out of the story a bit. Other than that, I think this is a very well done chapter and I hope you get more readers coming your way. It's very enjoyable to read. Have an awesome afternoon! -IceWinifredd
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your input. Those are some very good things to think about. For me, beginning a story is the hardest part and I am glad to hear your thoughts!
Hello, I just want to say that I really like the idea behind this first chapter. It tackles one of the more popular medieval issues: children not being able to choose whom they marry and spend their lives with. Even today there are many who for whatever reason cannot be with the people they love.
I don't think there are many flaws in this first chapter, though the following sentence: "I couldn’t imagine why he could possibly be angry with me when I haven’t spoken to him in over a month." should be "...hadn't spoken to him in over a month." You tell the entire story in past tense, and I thought it appropriate to correct this.
Next, I would like to point out that too many of your sentences are longer than they need to be. I know you want to describe how Addison felt, and that is important, but all of that description takes away from the pace and the action more than it should.
This is just an idea, but you could have expanded the dialogue a bit more, or made the King do something more in the office while taking with her. It is just something I think you should take into consideration when writing the next chapter.
Keep up the good work!
Candy Wizard
Thanks for catching the mistake! Keeping everything in the right tense is important! Also, thank you for your other suggestions! I am so glad you took the time to read this!
First things first. This is very good. I loved the way you told the story, and it left me wanting to find out what happens to Addison.
There was one minor glitch that I noticed, and it was just that in the last line of the second to last paragraph, there is no space between me and if. Nothing big just a minor typo.
I also have a couple of questions about where all of this is going on. I understand that it"s in a palace, but what is happeneing outside the walls? Are they a civilized people? Are they at war? Are they in the middle of the desert? I also had questions about the relationship of Addison to the king. Until the very last few sections I thought she was a servant or his wife. I'd like to see a little bit more development of their relationship, although I understand if you are planning on using that later in your story.
Overall it was very good. It was a tad bit short, but that is fine. Continue writing! You are doing a great job!
Thanks for your input! I am am trying to raise questions with the reader in this first chapter, and more answers will come later. Do you think this leaves you with enough questions to want more, or does it simply frustrate you as the reader?
Thanks for the review!