Young Writers Society

I love that I like you.

I found those words overwhelming my head whenever I saw you. It came out like butter spread smoothly on a piece of white bread, and I often found myself adding some sugar into the mix, making it sweeter to my liking.

Whenever you were by my side, I often found my heartbeat quickening around you. The thrill of playing games between you and me made our interactions so much more interesting than the dull and boring life when I was all alone. You eventually became the presence I never knew I needed.

There were times our conversation flowed like a never-ending river, also like a sea of stars that was impossible to get the exact number, so much so we could never count them all. Between our teeth were spilled out sugary sweet terms only we could understand. The conversations carried to our phones. It was only a private world that only me and you knew. Who else should know about us anyway? We didn’t need to tell our parents or our friends, who would just tease and spread gossip.

The day I first pulled you close to me, I believed it was a gesture of friendship. We were friends. I held your hand before. It slowly escalated to a grab on the shoulder and progressed to a pat to the back. All were gentle gestures exchanged between us. There were people looking at us with their gaze. It meant no harm, yet I could feel judgment. People should just focus on themselves, while I would focus on you and me.

After months, I wanted to admit that I was addicted to this feeling. The feeling of pulling you closer but maintaining a line between us. It was such a thrill that I could never bring myself to explain. We were something, yet we were just as what it was. We kept it simple. It was too complicated if we dug deeper into our relationship. I didn’t want to make it more confusing than it already was, so let’s keep it this way.

We continued our game of cops and robbers. It was so exciting. My heart never stopped feeling pleasure whenever we played this game. Wasn’t it fun? I knew it was a crime to hold you too close to me, so I pushed you away, but I didn’t want to push you too far, and thus I kept you at a reachable range. I could catch you anytime I wanted to. If you felt like letting go, I would let you go, but eventually all you could run to was never far from my arm's reach.

Our chemistry was more complex than any chemical bond shown in the textbooks and formulas. Lines that connected us together were like a tangled ball of yarn that cats loved to play with when they were bored. You desperately tried to untie the messy tangles, but I stopped you as I believed it would be better if we kept it this way.

Please don’t ask where we could go. We could go anywhere but far away. Our destination had been here all along, yet you claimed we could go somewhere else. I persisted that we stayed where we were. You seemed dissatisfied, so I made another promise. A promise, allowing ourselves to move further, but stopped once we saw a line. A line that was neither solid nor transparent, but it existed to keep us at bay. You agreed, so let’s continue.

We started playing more games like hide and seek. You hide while I seek you. The pleasure of catching you in my arms felt so good, I never wanted to let go. You felt so soft in my arms, like a small plush that children would sleep with to keep them company for the night.

Black and white was what defined us. We were together, but never blended perfectly. If we did, it made the color gray, which was my most disliked color of all. Why make such a complex mix when we could have kept everything simplified? Life was already complicated as it was, so allow us to be who we are without questioning further reasoning. It was good to maintain obliviousness and innocence like children, because nothing could be in our way. We could be who we are with no definition, not like the complex scientific terms we saw on our test papers.

The warmth would disappear once the sun set, replacing the coldness that the night brought. Yet you substituted the breeze that chilled my spine with the physical heat that I needed. I was addicted to it. You eventually became the blanket I constantly craved to be by my side whenever I fell asleep.

When dawn approached, I hated that you had to leave me to continue on your day. I wanted to call you back to let you forget what you needed to complete, but I knew the importance of your own personal life, so I let you go.

As we grew up, we became confused about who we were. Where was the bond we used to have? Did it all disappear in the midst of growing up? But what changed? We maintained the same for years. We were friends that were so close no one could break us apart with a few simple comments and judgments.

Your smile changed when you were with your new friends. It became brighter than the sun that reflected across the surface of the ocean. It was the same smile that hooked me into you.

That was when I saw your face entirely, and I realized for the past few years, you had become a blur within my life. I pulled you close without reading your mood and feelings. I picked you as if you were some random book that I found interesting on a bookshelf and shoved it away once I got home. At the same time, I chose you the most out of all my favorites to be my bedtime story that could soothe me to sleep. I remembered loving that title, ‘You & Me’. It felt so special to me that I could never explain its contents with words.

My chest started to burn from something I could never explain. I expected this day to come, yet I still couldn’t believe it had slapped me in the face quicker than I had realized. Whenever I said to not define what we were, I knew I was just lying. I knew what we really were. I had to deceive you so you wouldn’t leave me alone again.

I wanted to keep playing the games we used to play. Hide and seek, cops and robbers, even a small game of simple chase were nice enough to keep my heart at pleasure. Instead of playing like kids, let’s play like adults. We should never give each other roles like we were before and begin a new strategy where we never assigned any. You were mine to seek, and I was yours to catch.

This game of ours would never end until someone left the match. If you had never agreed to play with me back then, would things have stayed different? Maybe you could have been playing with someone else, but your kind heart stayed with me, and I could never thank enough for you to choose me as your playmate. Let us continue our game until the end of our lives.

How long did you think we could go on playing this game of cat and mouse? I knew you liked it, and I knew I liked it too. It was an addiction I could never pull myself away from. Such an addicting experience that was worse than drugs, worse than alcohol I consumed when there was no one. Remember the pills I used to take when I was sick? I did not need them anymore.

At this point, question me if I have ever felt love. I did.

It was all beside me all along.

But I guess instead of loving you, I loved the games we played more. It gave me more pleasure than you ever had. It distracted me away from my pain and sorrow, making my life filled with more colors than anyone had given to me.

I love that I like you. It made me so fulfilled more than I ever was. We should continue our game of pushing and pulling each other since we still had the energy to get attached. Remember to never define what we were, as there was nothing between us and there was only a label for us.

That label would be “You & Me.”.

(End)

(Based on KPOP group's, Stray Kids, song "I Like It".)