Being dissatisfied with philosophies of life,
All world's a stage some people say,
Everyone has got a limited time,
And an equally important role to play.
Some time after the big bang,
The grand show of this great play began.
A play which has multitudinous characters,
And no one knows when will it end.
With absolutely nothing to think upon,
Random thoughts pave their way.
A lonely mind is a devil's workshop,
But a strange thought struck me that day.
It'll be difficult for you to believe,
But I was fairly convinced by it,
All my past suggested the fact,
That people around befooled me till date.
What if the world is actually a play,
And I've been disguised all the way,
What if peoples' deeds are all written,
And I'm the only one from whom the script is hidden.
Even the concept of god, origin of universe,
Existence of religions or brutality of terrorism,
Usage of language and ways of communication,
Be it the human values or the society's culture.
What if these all were just an aforethought venture?
Now, shoot your imaginations in the past,
Remember your acquaintances affection,
The way you were carved to perfection .
All your experiences, ones that let you down
and those which gave you a lift.
These can be just, the enactment of a script.
It is among the weirdest of thoughts
That my lonely mind had caught,
But believe me, it's strength was so might,
That I got completely convinced by it,
For ONE complete night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey sudamasri, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:You've got very consistent, standard flow that's easy and fun to read because you can picture yourself singing it to a well known tune, so that's good.
I thought this was particularly cool, as it feels like a personally adapted version of the common saying, "an idle mind is the devil's playground." It's the same, yet subtly different, just enough that I can look at it from a different angle and gain something more from it.
Negatives:
Your use of "multitudinous" here just feels like you were trying to use a big word in the sentence. I don't see how or where it was truly needed, and you haven't applied it to anything else. If you used it as the rhyme for this stanza, it might work, but other than that it just sticks out like a sore thumb.
Not sure what you mean here? It's a bit confusing because the grammar is incorrect.
I give it:
This is Kaos here for a review!
[Just wanted to let you know first off before I jump into my review that "Wierdest" is spelled "Weirdest" and it really bugged me so I couldn't help but comment on it.]
So the first thing that I noticed about this piece is that it lacks stanzas which is something that I'd like to see for the sake of neatness and so that the reader can better understand the structure of the poem. If you don't know how to do that, then you can put all of your lines of a stanza in one line in the Publishing Center and then hit shift+enter. If that's too vague, then you can just put something to show that you're ending a stanza and starting a new one like "~" or "---", anything of that sort works. Moving on from that, the rhyming in this poem is something that didn't really have a clear pattern that it maintained and a general rule of thumb if you're going to rhyme frequently is to have a rhyme scheme?
It was odd because every other line rhymed with each other but then the lines in-between that happened to not rhyme in places. It was generally all over the place and I would like to see that sorted out. The poem happens to jump around a lot in its ideas and I suggest trying to stick to one topic because throughout the poem it starts to become a ramble and loses its focus. You have the base metaphor of the world being like a play, so expand on that throughout the poem and use that to your advantage.
Use that as your way of telling this theme that you have, because using that and building around it will give the poem more direction rather than jumping around. The last thing that I wanted to touch on was imagery which is something that I thought was lacking in this poem but there are possibilities for description to appear. If it's a play, what is the stage like, is it earthy and gritty? Are the characters ones who have no script? Expand on what you have and work from there.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hey!
This was such a good poem. It had a really deep message that was relevant the entire time. I really liked it. It had good rhyme and rhythm. There was a deep message as previously mentioned but it was very relatable to what I've been thinking about as well. The usage of the world as a play is 1.) familiar and 2.) excellantly used. I think that this poem is very good. I felt the message being portrayed all throughout the poem and I hope you'll come back with another!
Sarah24
I'm just dropping in to say that you have a good way of making your poem flow.