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Doll

by stygianmoon17


   The moment she appeared she would not speak a word,

                      Silent 

                                Dead 

       Those lightless eyes of another world 

Reeking of this blankness, in her face, but a fragment 

    Bent, broken, smiles troken, glass shattered

                    Drowned in those onyx eyes where all light has faltered

                        I no longer meet her gaze where sadism has watered 

                                                                                                                                                                

                                   I'm not sure how she got there, on my shelf, that porcelain doll

                                        Her face had shattered in and no longer does her electronic heart toll 

                          I  would hide under the blankets and stay there till' the next day 

             Because whatever the position I was in, she'd find my gaze to my dismay 

                         "I will get her out," I have always promised myself

               But just a whisper, a sigh, and she'd be back there on my shelf 

                            I could not take her out, but neither could I hide her view

                                  Because I'd fall in in her eyes, in that void of blackness. Nothingness too 

                           Where no moon glows, no sun twinkles, no shadows brew, 

       With those eyes as blank as a sheet of paper and as cold as morning dew

                                                                                                                                                                                

     But I have always wondered whether she'll grow a beautiful heart after all that pain, but I really just want her gone 

Because maybe she'll never be the same, but might be she'll remain no one


 

She'd giggle at night, whisper things, but in the morning- she screamed

The sobbing when dawn came but a wisp in a broken dream 

But if you were to suddenly enter my room or simply turn on the lights

I would shut up just as quick, with my reflection on the shelf smiling me back


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Sat Dec 05, 2020 4:47 am
silented1 says...



In this poem you focus a lot on the eyes, which isn't bad; but maybe you want to clear some of that out, try to make it more about the speaker, not the eyes. Also, you explain the eyes very well in the second stanza. Speaking of the second stanza the rhyme works well in the last two lines because of the flow.




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Thu Dec 03, 2020 2:43 pm
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writercat383 says...



This is an absolutely powerful poem filled with sorrow and emotion. It drew me in from the first sentence and kept me reading until the last. A very eerie, beautiful theme is conveyed and I think that the chilling descriptions you used in this poem fit very well. Overall, great job. I followed you!






Thanks a lot :) will do the same back ;)



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Tue Dec 01, 2020 7:27 pm
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timestamp wrote a review...



Ooh, I'm totally getting Annabelle vibes from this! You should really be proud of this piece, it's amazing. First, I want to point out the formatting. It must have been a pain to get this formatted the way you wanted to, so kudos to you for that.

I saw one grammatical problem-

"I would shut up just as quick with my reflection smiling me back-"

'smiling me back' doesn't make a lot of sense? Maybe you can edit this so that it makes more sense. That's the one thing I don't get.

But, I want to point out some glows.

The imagery: I love how you describes how the doll looks and how the owner percieves her to be something more sinister than y'know, just a doll.
The language: rather mature, yet simple. Pretty well balanced ;D

I really enjoyed this piece!

-timestamp






For the pain when making the formatting- oh you bet.. tho I don't see how the last sentence doesn't work. I guess it's maybe missing a pause between "smiling me back" and shut up just as quick" but otherwise I don't see what else. Thanks for the review either way :D





I guess the last line is pretty confusing, basically, I meant to say that the doll is the reflection of the narrator, so the "screams" and "giggling" were basically her describing herself
I told u it was confusing xD



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Tue Dec 01, 2020 6:40 pm
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NastyMajesty wrote a review...



Hello again @stygian_moon17! I'm gonna pop in quickly for another review :) Hope you're having a great day/night wherever you're at! Okay, let's jump right in.

Grows

I no longer meet her gaze where sadism has watered
Here, you say sadism... which isn't technically a word lol (and I know you told me you're French in your past review) I think you meant something along the lines of "sadness"?

I would shut up just as quick with my reflection smiling me back
This line is a bit confusing... maybe try clarifying it a bit because I'm not sure what you meant to say here xD.

That was about all I noticed in this poem that needed a bit of adjustment. Moving on...

Glows

Wowie! This poem is so elegant and mysterious! The way you use the formatting between the lines makes it all the better. I really like the second stanza where it says
I could not take her out, but neither could I hide her view

Because I'd fall in in her eyes, in that void of blackness. Nothingness too

Where no moon glows, no sun twinkles, no shadows brew,

With those eyes as blank as a sheet of paper and as cold as morning dew
It's such a great description and you use a great choice of words! Overall, great job - just needed a bit of polishing up :) Keep it up and keep writing!
(:
~Your friendly neighborhood Majesty of Nastiness~




NastyMajesty says...


Also, congrats on the second literary spotlight (: <3





you're wrong about the sadism, I may be French, but sadism is actually a word :P it's about the tendency to find pleasure by inflicting pain about someone or something like that. But thanks for the review !





kay I admit that last line is pretty confusing xD basically, I mean it in the sense that the "doll" is the reflection of the narrator, and the reason why I say that she shuts up, is because the whole "giggling" and "screaming" was from her. She's basically describing herself, and she's so horrified of it because, really, she's horrified about who she is.
I know, its confusing ^^



NastyMajesty says...


OOOOH LOL I looked it up and Grammarly told me there were no definitions for sadism *shakes fist*. Also, ooooooooh! that makes a bit more sense now lol





I mean yeah, it's grammarly xD



NastyMajesty says...


True lol. Maybe I should stop trusting Grammarly with everything :P



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Tue Dec 01, 2020 5:39 pm
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MeIsMyself says...



I'm not sure but.. is the doll herself ? (her reflection more precisely)
I'll review this later today.. this is just so.. touching





The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle