“If a man prepares himself for a fresh new life by erasing all of his past sins, then of course, he should be given a chance. But whether this new phase will bring happiness or a fatal depression? “
Who was wrong??
You or me
Who was selfish??
You or me
Should I deserve this level of punishment??.........
I am Charles Wilson, father of Mia Wilson, my lovely daughter. After the death of my wife, Sara, Mia was everything for me. She was simply the rest of my life. For the 1st time someone who made me realized that life is so sensible and beautiful which can't be completed until there is love and happiness. Starting from morning till night I cared her as a mother. I was so involved with her that I felt like every second without her is hard for me to live. She was an intelligent girl and good in studies; especially her geography teacher liked her a lot.
Mia: Dad, today our geography sir told us about earthquake. It's so terrible and devastating.
Charles: Yeah really devastating. Just a crack on earth disturbs everything. By the way I want to meet with your sir.
After few days, both went to school to meet him. But he had left the school permanently.
Charles: It's my bad luck. I didn't get time to meet him in so many months. May be next time.
Things went as usual. I was very happy and every moment of my life was becoming more and more enjoyable.
AFTER ONE MONTH……….
That evening I went to market, leaving Mia at home because she had to do her homework. After an hour when I reached home, I was shocked. Mia was missing and a letter was there in her table. Everything of her was vanished and the most surprising my wife's photos and souvenirs were also gone. Without wasting more time in thinking, I just went through that letter.
LETTER………….
It's John, Mia's geography teacher. There are many things which I 1st want to make you clear. I and Sara loved each other a lot. She never wanted to marry you, but she was married forcibly because you were a rich, well established man and I was an ordinary school teacher. It's very difficult for her to forget me, but still she remained within her limits and contacted me seldom as a friend. But you were such a greedy man that after marriage you didn't even care for her and felt her lonely. Night and night she waited for you, but you didn't even give a damn. Even if you didn't attend her during pregnancy. I was there to take care of her. To avoid her loneliness, she began to meet me. She was always in depression and pain. Not only you tortured Sara, but even Mia too. When Mia started going to school, you never picked her once. You never talked to her properly. In simple way, you didn't do anything as expected by a father. You had made their life miserable and I didn't want Sara to get destroyed under your shade. That night it was a lie that Sara had committed suicide and that suicide letter was fake. But as expected by us, we were aware of the thing that what you're gonna do next? You had reputation. So before this thing could spread as fire, you bribed media to stop these because you were afraid of the fact that people would doubt you for this. In spite of knowing this lied suicidal attempt which was truth for you, you carried out your profession as usual. But Mia's constant crying for missing her mom's presence melted your heart and showed you the path of love. Just an innocence of a kid made you realized the pain of missing someone dearer. And you began to feel ashamed of yourself. But that's the lesson I wanted you to teach. I wanted to stab you in back when you would actually realize what love and care is? It's like the same way you stabbed Sara and Mia when they needed you the most, the time when she loved you the most by sacrificing her love. You loved your daughter afterwards but Mia had always feelings for her mom and me who cared her the most when she needed us the most.
Like in earthquake, even if a single crack destroys everything. Now it's your turn to feel an earthquake in your life. Every time when you remembered your mistakes (cracks), that every second of your life will pass through an earthquake which will destroy you mentally and physically.
Me, Sara and Mia are living happily now. Goodbye!
AFTER SOME DAYS…………
Dead body of Charles was found from a lonely and dark room with a letter left behind.
Who was wrong??
You or me
Who was selfish??
You or me
Should I deserve this level of punishment??.........
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Hello StupidityOverdosed,
This is Magenta here to review your piece that you have written during this amazing review day session. This piece, which you named Justice or Play? Was great! Good job with he writing. You really possess the skills needed when writing short stories and novellas. I have a couple of comments and/or suggestions to make for you as you continue on in your writing.
"“If a man prepares himself for a fresh new life by erasing all of his past sins, then of course, he should be given a chance. But whether this new phase will bring happiness or a fatal depression? “"
Instead of saying "wether" in this sentence, I would change this to something else, this is a question but it is also a fragment and it makes the question sound odd to the reader.
"I am Charles Wilson, father of Mia Wilson, my lovely daughter. After the death of my wife, Sara, Mia was everything for me." I would change this to "everything to me" because it sounds strange the way you said it before, just change that and you'll be good to go!
"It's John, Mia's geography teacher. There are many things which I 1st want to make you clear."
You use numbers when you write but you should write the number out fully so that it is changed to "one" or "first" not "1st". It doesn't look very good on papers or in books.
Other Than a few minor mistakes and a couple of odd sentences, this was a very nice piece.
- Magenta
Hi there!
I feel like this piece has a lot of potential, and with some work it could be quite excellent. The premise is interesting, and I was intrigued by the storyline, however it was let down slightly by some grammar errors. These meant that your story was nowhere near as good as it could have been, which is a shame because it's a pretty good plot.
Here are the things I found (edits are in italics):
But will this new phase bring happiness or a fatal depression?
I found this sentence a little confusing, but I think it would work as For the first time someone has made me realize that life is so sensible and beautiful; something that can't be completed until there is love and happiness Just a note, always write words like 'first' using letters not numbers.
The 'especially' her geography teacher liked her a lot' doesn't quite sit right. Maybe something like She was an intelligent girl and good in studies; especially in geography, where teacher liked her a lot. or something like that.
Because the rest is written in first person, if seems a little odd to have slipped into third person here. After a few days, we both went to the school to meet him.
I'd change this to For many months, I didn't get to meet him. Maybe next time
I reached home an hour later, and was shocked
This would work better as Every trace of her had vanished
I'd get rid of the 'in' and change the second half to I read the letter
Sara and I
Maybe something like seldom contacted me, even as a friend
Night after night perhaps?
'Attend' is correct, technically, but it's kind of a bit dated and formal for this piece. You didn't even pay any attention to her during her pregnancy
Not only did you torture Sarah, but Mia too
you never picked her up once I think you just forgot the 'up' there.
I'd change this all to simply But we were aware of what you would do next
This sentence is a bit vague, with a lot of 'this' and 'these'. Try, perhaps, So before this thing could spread like fire, you bribed the media to stop the stories because you were afraid people would begin to doubt you
I think maybe this would work: In spite of the suicide attempt, which may have been a lie but was true to you
But Mia's crying for her missing mom would be a good rewording.
Something like The innocence of a kid made you realize the pain of missing someone dear
Try I wanted to stab you in back so you would learn what love and care is.
but Mia had always feelings for her mom and me because we cared for her the most when she needed us the most.
A simple one here, Like in an earthquake, even a single crack can destroy everything.
Grammar aside, this piece was good, so keep working at it. You've obviously very good at creating the plot, and don't be discouraged.
Thanks friend for the review and correction:)
I am working hard in grammar and proper sentence formation. I wrote this one many years back. I just found it somehow so thought of posting it. I will post some of my recent writings soon where i will try to make it clean as much as possible.
Tc:)
This is really interesting and sad. I think it holds a lot of opportunity, to tell about the family before the "death", the run-away family's life. The writing itself could be a little better, at least grammar-wise. It felt a little rushed. I'll edit the one's I see, the corrections will be capitalized
AFTER SOME DAYS…………
THE Dead body of Charles was found IN a lonely and dark room, with a letter left behind.
Like in AN earthquake, even a single crack destroys everything.
Sara, Mia AND I
SARA AND I loved each other a lot.
MAYBE next time.
from morning till night I cared FOR her as a mother
HER GEOGRAPHY TEACHER ESPECIALLY LIKED HER
Sorry, I don't mean to sound mean, I just know it's really hard to edit your own work, especially if you're on a website like this. I hope that's helpful. Otherwise, really liked the concept. It was very intriguing!
Thanks a lot for review as well as correction.
I dont want to write it again as i wrote everything in previous one.
My english isn't good. So i am working on it. Definitely you will find some change in my next posts
Well, knowing that, you're really doing well! It sounded more like it was rushed, I wouldn't have thought it was a language problem. You're doing really well in that case, keep it up!
Thanks