“Nothing lasts forever. But for me, it fits with depression. Born alone, live alone and die alone ..............”
Please tell me once you are the one I am looking for.
Hey! I’m singing your favorite song. You love to dance in this.
Hey! Why you aren’t dancing anymore??
Are you the same??
Max is an eleven year old kid living with his mom in a small town. After the death of his father, he confines himself within the room most of the times drawing sketches or playing video games. His mom is a drunkard who beats him frequently. To escape from her, he runs away to the scientist’s house nearer to their house. Max loves to spend his time there by playing color match and discussing about universe and nature. Day by day Max loneliness seems to be vanished because of his new friend, Albert. Albert works hardly on his new invention because of which he almost forgets to take care of his health. Day by day his health is deteriorating. Finally his last day arrives. So before dying, he surrenders his invention to Max. It’s a robot, the new friend of Max. He gives Max a piece of paper with a list of songs and makes him clear about the whole operation. It’s a special kind of robot who will do a particular work when listen to the song assign to that work. He said Max not to worry as he has already specified all those works which will make him happy to forget his absence and loneliness. He hands the robot to Max with care and next early morning he passes away..
For some days, Max can’t concentrate on anything. He keeps the robot as usual at the corner of his room. After two weeks, he feels like his life is moving back to previous one. He remembers Albert’s word that this robot will take his position of a good friend. He quickly picks the robot and sings a song from the list. As he sings, robot stands up and starts moving his hands and legs. This makes him laugh. Then he sings another one. And the robot brings a glass of water for him. But when he sings the last one from the list, robot doesn’t move at all. After clearly going through the activity specified, he finds that this song is assigned to car driving. Since there is no car, it fails. Max doesn’t take it seriously because most of his activities are done by his robot friend now. Apart from entertaining Max, he does everything Max life is on the peak. He is thankful to Albert for providing him such a wonderful gift. So he named the robot as “Life Saver”. His mom observes things going on with Max. She can’t tolerate all these .She is jealous of his enjoyable life. So she decides to give them an end.
One night while Max is sleeping, she picks the robot along with the paper and throws them in garbage bin far away from the house. The same night, one car passes by that road. Suddenly by seeing a robot on roadside, it stops. The man after observing deeply, both the robot and paper, doesn’t find any clue of their connection. So he leaves them as usual and moves towards his car. Suddenly his mobile rings. But he is shocked to see the robot coming towards his car. Accidentally, his ringtone is same as the listed song. Robot slowly opens the car’s door and sits next to him. Now the man’s curiosity grows even more. He takes it to his home for experiment. He finally concludes the secret behind this operation and decides to edit its functionalities, so that if it is caught by the owner anyway, then he will not be able to recognize it through activities and songs. So he deletes all songs and activities and finally creates a modified robot with a list of new activities and songs. Now the robot is totally sensible to the edited features.
Max’s life starts degrading day by day. From morning till evening, he thinks of life saver every time. After finding not a single clue from any sources, he finally get tired and goes through a depression zone. His mom has no guilty feelings for what she does.
After one month, Max comes to know about a robot exhibition that will begin after two days. He gets excited and becomes optimistic about the chances of getting his “Life Saver”. After two days with high hopes, he goes to attend exhibition. After looking through all of them, he finally sees his “Life Saver”. Overloaded with happiness, he stands in front of the robot and sings one song on which it used to dance. But it doesn't move at all. He sings again and again with a hope that now it will move, but no. Then he starts singing all the songs from the old list, but life saver’s is totally numb to those songs. He cries like hell and shouts “This can’t be my life saver. This can’t be”.
After 4 months………..
Though doctors are able to cure Max,but not fully. Till now Max hasn’t forget Life Saver. He is still murmuring its name with the lines:
Please tell me once you are the one I am looking for.
Hey! I’m singing your favorite song. You love to dance in this.
Hey! Why you aren’t dancing anymore??
Are you the same??
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello StupidityOverdosed,
This is Magenta, here again, to review your story, A Sweet Short Life and Its Worst Death. I really liked this short story and I think you have some writing potential. Okay, this is a review after all so I can't compliment the entire time. I have to say, that this seems more like a summary about a very long movie than it is a short story. You make it sound more like a book report. I would try to change this because it sounds strange. I would write it differently and more casually. Try to become the character and act it put in your head. Also, you only tell us what happens.
"Max is an eleven year old kid living with his mom in a small town. After the death of his father, he confines himself within the room most of the times drawing sketches or playing video games. His mom is a drunkard who beats him frequently. To escape from her, he runs away to the scientist’s house nearer to their house. Max loves to spend his time there by playing color match and discussing about universe and nature. Day by day Max loneliness seems to be vanished because of his new friend, Albert. Albert works hardly on his new invention because of which he almost forgets to take care of his health. Day by day his health is deteriorating. Finally his last day arrives. So before dying, he surrenders his invention to Max. It’s a robot, the new friend of Max. He gives Max a piece of paper with a list of songs and makes him clear about the whole operation. It’s a special kind of robot who will do a particular work when listen to the song assign to that work. He said Max not to worry as he has already specified all those works which will make him happy to forget his absence and loneliness. He hands the robot to Max with care and next early morning he passes away..."
You only tell us who Max is. Add some description and good use of language. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but I really think this is the start of a great story. Instead you could write...
"Living in the suburbs wasn't difficult a difficult thing for Max. He had those video games and he could sketch funny little people. Of course, he had been social before his father passed away a year earlier (or whatever time you want). But what was difficult for Max to live with was his mother. His mother isn't just any woman, but she is an alcoholic. Not only that, but Max suffers the consequences when his mother becomes violent. This is his reality. That is, until one day when..." Something like that! Great job!
- Magenta
Hello!
I like this idea and like SubtleSanity said I does have potential.
Unfortunately it was very hard to read. I almost gave up, and I'm not sure that you read it after you writing it.
There is zero description and that makes it very dull.
I'll try and give you an example:
Here is your's:
"Max is an eleven year old kid living with his mom in a small town. After the death of his father, he confines himself within the room most of the times drawing sketches or playing video games. His mom is a drunkard who beats him frequently. To escape from her, he runs away to the scientist’s house nearer to their house."
Mine:
"Max was a young boy who lived in a small town with his mother. After his father died, (You should probably hint as to how he died.) he stayed to himself. Filling his days with sketching and playing video games.
There was a loud knock at his bedroom door and he jumped in surprise. His heart pounded in fear. His mother was home and she was drunk. He knows she will beat him if she finds him. Quickly he goes and opens the window. Hoping she doesn't hear he shoves the screen out of the window before climbing out. The cold night air freezes his nervous sweat. Max looks across the street and sees that his friend, the scientist, still has lights on in his lab. "
You see how we felt the boy's fear? He really needed to get away from his mother. And now we understand how much of a monster his mother is. They aren't flat characters that we are watching from a distance. Their real people now.
Keep trying. Get more colorful. This will make a great story, it just needs a lot more description.
I hope I helped, wasn't too harsh, and if there is anything I over thought, or missed the point completely (!), please let me know
Hello, Subtle here for a review! You've got a very interesting idea going on there, and a good one too. Is pretty unique and there is definitely potential in your writing as the plot is there and your ideas aren't half bad. But the problem lies with your structure and the way you write things. Your grammar and descriptions degrades your writing, making it about three times worse than it really is. This story also doesn't seem right in some places, things that need explaining but has no explanation. Why does Albert's deteriorate so quickly, even if he works hard? He's a scientist, so he should still care about his health. Also, you didn't explain why Albert gave the robot to Max. And how is it that a young man casually driving just knows how to reprogramed a robot? That's a very difficult thing to do unless you're a scientist or a professional programmer. I think you get my drill, always ask yourself questions about your plot. One answer, ten more questions.
You also broke the golden rule of creative writing, show don't tell. What I'm saying is, you aren't using language to show us, you just tell us what they're doing. There is isn't enough figurative language to let us know how the characters feel. How did the driver feel when he picked the robot by the side of the road? When the robot climbed into his car? Isn't he a bit scared that a random robot just got into his car?
http://writetodone.com/john-lecarre-show-not-tell/ -> This is a good article on how to show readers what you want instead of tell.
I noticed that you used a lot of 'he', 'Max'. You need to vary your word uses, get rid of the unnecessary things. Vary your sentence lengths and openings, other wise your writing will appear as dull. Like how in this story, the voice of your entire story is really flat. I'm sorry, but it is. I couldn't really empathize with Max, because there weren't enough emotions in it to tell us.
Now, onto the grammar and spelling.
'Within' for 'in' , there is no need for times to be plural. Time is just fine.
Comma after 'day by day', Max should be Max's. Have instead of had. The sentence that I bolded doesn't seem to make much sense to me, and doesn't flow that well. Maybe you should rephrase it into this. 'Albert works hard on his new invention, so hard that he constantly forgets to take care of himself.'
Said doesn't flow right or makes sense, told is better.
You have used 'she' three times there, that is very repetitive. How about this instead? 'As Max's mum observes Max closely, she couldn't tolerate his newfound happiness. Overcame by jealously, she comes up with a plan to end it all for them.'
There should be an 'a' between 'in' and 'garbage'.
I think you see my point here, some misspelt words, missing words and sentences that doesn't flow quite well made this chapter much more dull and boring that it really is. And of course, the probability of the events happening in the plot and how logical does it sound.
Have you edited this? If not, go and read over it. Print it out and then read it aloud and correct something if it doesn't sound right. I think this story has potential, but you just need to vary your sentences and words. And remember, show don't tell.
Best of luck in your writing!
-S.s