The Most Beautiful Eyes (edited)

hmm...you definitely have some interesting things to say. you just need to work on how you say it. alright, you asked for help, so ima give it to you. I'm going to perform surgery on your poem *snaps latex gloves*. some of this you may say "wow, thanks!" and some you may say "*sniff sniff* but i liked that line...". my goal is not to edit it for you, just to give you some suggestions as to how you might change it. just mix it up 'till you get it juuuuust right!

As I walked a lonely path,
I ran into an eye-catching girl.
Not just another girl.
This girl had the most
beautiful eyes a man
would see in his life.

or...

as I walked my lonely path,
I ran into a beautiful girl.
not just another girl.
she had the most stunning eyes
a guy could ever see
in all his lonely life.
______
The eyes were a dull
shade of blue giving the
illusion that they were
almost a gray hue.
They complimented
her skin rather beautifully.

OR...

her eyes were a dull shade of blue
giving the illusion
that they were but a gray hue.
they gratified
her ghostly hide
(ok, maybe it's not that much better but i'm trying!)
________
However, like many other
things, this was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of a bitch and a cheap whore.
She smoked marijuana
as she drank alcohol.
This like many other things
was only a mask of beauty.

or...perhaps?

but like so many others,
it was just an illusion
of contrasting colors, a match.
she smoked marijuana,
she boozed herself up.
she was a sad imitation,
she wore a mask of beauty.

like i said, it's up to you to mix it up! you know the effect you were going for better than I. good luck!

First off, I really liked the second stanza.

However, I agree that you are doing a bit more telling than showing in this piece. What does this lonely path look like? Did she catch your eye only because of her eyes or something else? How did he know what kind of person she really was? Perhaps you can show us something she said or did to reveal her true self.

I think this has some potential if you play with it. Keep writing!

Yeah, this is kind of a story. Not going to lie to you there. But I do think you have some potential to make this into more of a poem. Tweeking a few lines and making them more lyrical instead of story-telling will help a lot I think with this.

Another thing you could do is shove some description in there. Instead of telling us (which brings me back to the whole story-telling mode), show us.

Maybe that will make it more lyrical and poetic.

Toodles!

dose the smoking and drinking make her a whore or something else? i like it but i agree its like a story in crazy format just like lulu said

weel to be a bit honest, it sounds like you're writting a story just a a strange format

lulu