hmm...you definitely have some interesting things to say. you just need to work on how you say it. alright, you asked for help, so ima give it to you. I'm going to perform surgery on your poem *snaps latex gloves*. some of this you may say "wow, thanks!" and some you may say "*sniff sniff* but i liked that line...". my goal is not to edit it for you, just to give you some suggestions as to how you might change it. just mix it up 'till you get it juuuuust right!
As I walked a lonely path,
I ran into an eye-catching girl.
Not just another girl.
This girl had the most
beautiful eyes a man
would see in his life.
or...
as I walked my lonely path,
I ran into a beautiful girl.
not just another girl.
she had the most stunning eyes
a guy could ever see
in all his lonely life.
______
The eyes were a dull
shade of blue giving the
illusion that they were
almost a gray hue.
They complimented
her skin rather beautifully.
OR...
her eyes were a dull shade of blue
giving the illusion
that they were but a gray hue.
they gratified
her ghostly hide
(ok, maybe it's not that much better but i'm trying!)
________
However, like many other
things, this was just an illusion
of beautiful colors that match.
Her personality was a fusion
of a bitch and a cheap whore.
She smoked marijuana
as she drank alcohol.
This like many other things
was only a mask of beauty.
or...perhaps?
but like so many others,
it was just an illusion
of contrasting colors, a match.
she smoked marijuana,
she boozed herself up.
she was a sad imitation,
she wore a mask of beauty.
like i said, it's up to you to mix it up! you know the effect you were going for better than I. good luck!
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