Sendoma's dream was scary. This was an interesting bit, and I am curious as to who Garak is.
Now we come to the heart of it - the thing I think you can improve most about almost all your writing.
Emphasis and Impact
You have good material to work with here, Mike, and your story is interesting, but the reason why you are often lacking description and it sometimes seems dry is that you need to emphasize the truly important parts of your chapters and word them to have maximum impact. I could keep mentioning description over and over again, but I think this will benefit you most of all.
What do you describe? You know how to describe, Mike. I've seen you; you have beautiful word choice in the sections you describe well. Battle scenes, namely. But you also need to focus on the social, personal and characterization sections of your chapters. Examples?
After the leaving the company of Sendoma, Grishtog was walking down a street with many worn down shacks. Not many people were on the street. It was just him , a couple walking their dog, and a poor looking man just turning onto the street. He stopped at one of the shacks. It was the best looking one on the street.
He knocked on the door twice and a woman answered and gasped, “Grishtog.”
“It’s been a while. I know,” replied Grishtog.
“I thought I told you to leave me alone,” she said in a stern voice.
“I know, but you also told me to leave Sendoma alone. However, I can not because the powers he inherited from me are beginning to surface, and I do not want him to kill himself or his friends that he traveled with,” replied Grishtog quickly, hoping that she wouldn’t interrupt him. [side note: if it’s been so long, then why doesn’t Grishtog explain a bit more clearly?]
“So are you training Sendoma to control these powers?” she asked.
“Yes, he is somewhere in this town right now. Do you want me to continue to train him?” asked Grishtog.
“Yes, I do not want to do anything that could harm our son,” she replied looking down at the ground and not at Grishtog’s face.
“He came with me to this town. Do you want to meet him?” asked Grishtog.
“Not right now. I’m sure he just found out about you and I do not want him to be overwhelmed by emotion,” she replied looking back at Grishtog. “Would you like to come in for some food?”
“Sure, if you really want me to come in,” replied Grishtog.
“I need to ask you a few more questions,” she replied as she went back into her house with Grishtog following.
This scene is HUGE. Here we learn that Sendoma's mother is alive. That is a massively important bit of information and yet you only give it these few bits of dialogue. This is perfect opportunity for Grishtog's characterization and his wife's. Describe their expressions, their body language, the way they say things, the aura which is hanging the room. As it is now, this just sounds like any other bit of dialogue to me. Emphasize, emphasize, emphasize! Word this part meticulously and leave the reader with words they will remember throughout the story and find themself quoting. Your island-hopping technique is not always bad. I island-hop all the time if you have read Flames, but you have to make each island substantial and essential, captivating in the reader's eyes even if it isn't. Intrigue them. Make your characters realistic, human, amazing.
Sendoma tried using frustration from not accomplishing it before to fuel it now, but nothing happened. He then focused on the joy he felt when he first saw Tierna. He said, “Ihsanak Anso,” and all motion stopped for him. Valentine was frozen in midair, Oracle was frozen stumbling over his beard, and Grishtog was just standing there. He moved in front of Oracle and said, “Ihsanak Anso.”
This is also important. Here we see a transition in Sendoma - he goes from focusing all his anger towards his father to focusing his joy in seeing Tierna. This is a major turning point; emphasize! Make it powerful! Describe, describe and emphasize! When I say describe, I don't necessarily mean that you write a full paragraph on this one bit. I mean that you focus on the juicy details and word this part so the reader recognizes what is going on here.
Drama is one of the most effective tools of a writer. By drama, I do not mean melodramatic, 'mushy', or gloomy writing. I mean that you make the most of every moment of your story, and portray the emotions of the characters to the reader. There will come a time when there will be no more scenes to write in this book - when you will finish it- and you want to live with the satisfaction that you did everything in your power to convey the major themes and characters in your story.
I'm not trying to be harsh, Mike. You have a great start here and you have lots of potential, but if you are to improve, you must keep these things in mind. I am only trying to help you to the best of my ability, and I think it you learn this, you will improve immensely. Now that you're nailing that phrasing down, this is the next step.
How do you improve in this area? There is no magical formula for this kind of judgment and writing. All I can say is...
Read. Read and examine how other authors emphasize the important spots in their writings.
WRITE! The most important aspect. Keep writing and writing and writing. The more you write, the better your writing becomes and the more you improve. Write!
To help you out, I'm going to give you a few ideas on parts to emphasize in this piece.
1. obviously, that beginning with Grishtog and his wife
2. the part where Sendoma thinks of Tierna to fuel his powers
3. Sendoma's dream
4. when Grishtog returns to see Sendoma using his powers, does he see Sendoma any differently? What kinds of things is he thinking? Is he troubled? You don't need to address these things in thought form; even an expression on his face would clue us in.
5. The part where Oracle tells Sendoma how Tierna will play a major role in his task.
You will recognize the important aspects of this scene more easily than me because you know your story better, but these are just some ideas. Again, you are doing really great, Mike. You have a lot of potential, so don't you dare start thinking that you are a terrible writer and give up on me. You're doing a fantastic job and improving greatly. I'm only here to give you some pointers.
Nice job on this, Mike, and I anticipate reading your next chapter; keep writing! PM me if you need anything; I'm always here for ya.
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