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Young Writers Society



The Line: Re-appearing (chapter 7)

by stupidiot92


This is my 7th chapter i am relly pleased with where this book is headed

PLEASE COMMENT :D

Chapter 7

The Betrayal

“Ah, Sendoma, my son, welcome,” bellowed Grishtog across the huge marble room. Grishtog was a tall man with short, frizzy, dark hair. He had brown eyes and wore shiny, silver scale armor.

“Long time no see. Why were you never there for me or mother?” asked Sendoma with his anger slowly seeping out.

“Sendoma, you must understand that your mother and Oracle didn’t tell me about you until you were already a year old. And when I found out I tried to be there for you, but your mother didn’t allow it,” replied Grishtog caringly.

“Why didn’t mother allow it, and what happened to her?” asked Sendoma with his anger calmed for now.

“I have no answers for either of those questions. However, Oracle has the answer for the latter question though he may not give it to you,” said Grishtog as he went a greeted Sendoma with a hug.

“Why would Oracle have the answer for that question?” asked Sendoma reluctantly receiving the hug.

“I am an oracle as my name suggests,” interrupted Oracle as he walked into the room and tripped over his beard. This time, however, he caught himself just in time so he didn’t fall.

“Then how come you didn’t warn me about the trouble in the dungeon or the invasion of the Ankishi in Valeria?” asked Sendoma completely confused.

“I can only interfere when and where I see my self interfering,” replied Oracle defensively.

“Umm… you’re useful,” said Sendoma.

Right after Sendoma said that, Valentine asked, “You ran into trouble in the dungeon?”

“Yea there was a giant ogre in the chamber where the book was. I found this sword there,” replied Sendoma as he showed the sword.

“I recognize that sword. It amplifies any fire magic that you have,” said Oracle reveling in the beauty of the sword.

“Oh, that reminds me. Did you get the Sword?” asked Grishtog already surprised by Sendoma’s strength.

“And the Book,” replied Sendoma quickly.

“Can I look at the sword? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it,” asked Grishtog.

“Yep,” replied Sendoma as he unsheathed the sword.

“Humph, mine new one looks cooler,” said Grishtog as he unsheathed his katana. The katana was tinted a dark blue and it reflected a blue light from it. It looked as though bubbles had been imbedded into its blade.

“Beautiful. So does it have any kind of powers?” asked Sendoma with a smile.

“Umm…not really except its unbreakable,” replied Grishtog with a chuckle.

“Is there anyplace for me too sleep? I’m tired from the ogre that Oracle new about,” asked Sendoma after he yawned.

“Yea follow Valentine. He with show the guest room,” said Grishtog with a smile on his face.

Valentine started walking away so Sendoma followed. Sendoma followed him into a hallway that was still made of marble. About a minute after he had left the company of his father and Oracle, the voice in his head said, “Your father doesn’t seem so bad, but I would still not trust him. He may have put it on for show.”

Valentine stopped in front of a down at the end of the hallway and said as he opened the door, “Here is the guest room.” Sendoma looked in and saw a room made of the same marble as usual but had a bed with maroon sheets that looked very comfortable.

“Wow, I have never seen such a comfortable bedroom before,” said Sendoma in awe.

Valentine chuckled and said, “This is only the quest room.”

Sendoma looked at him and said, “You must be joking. What do you sleep on?”

Valentine just chuckled again and said, “I sleep on a bar because I am not human and I don’t sleep in a bed, but I’ve never seen your father’s room. However Oracle has a more comfortable bed than the one here.”

“Well I’m tired so I will see you tomorrow,” said Sendoma as he walked into the room.

“Good night,” replied Valentine as he shut the door.

Sendoma looked at the bed, ran, and jumped onto the bed while he was laughing. He then turned and looked at the ceiling. His smile faded and he sat there for a couple of hours thinking of what had happened in the past few days. Everything he had known was gone. He had just been thrust into a world where his father is a demi-god and he has inherited his father’s power.

“Rone, where are we,” asked Wyvern still tired from the battle.

“At least tow days from Seiki,” responded Rone after he yawned.

“I think we should rest. We are all tired from that battle not to mention it is starting to get dark,” said Danara.

“Your right, but we haven’t had dinner yet,” said Rone.

“I’ll get the firewood. I am the only one that wasn’t really affected by the battle,” said Alexandria.

“Okay, we’ll set up the fire pit,” agreed Rone.

Alexandria nodded and went off the path into the woods. She walked far from the camp to make sure no one in the camp would see her. She looked around to see if anyone had followed her. She then grabbed her necklace and said, “I’ve made up my mind.”

After she said that, she was immediately teleported to the pitch black place where the chaos council resides.

“So what is your decision?”

“I will take your offer,” said Alexandria with absolutely no emotion in her voice.

“Excellent.”

After the voice said that, Alexandria saw a shadow in the cave move and pour into her. At the same time, she felt power enter her. Power she had never even dreamed of feeling.

“We will send you back now. If you ever need to contact us, use the necklace, and remember this. Do not leave the others just yet. They may prove helpful still.”

“Okay, but what if you need to contact me?” asked Alexandria with a smile creeping it’s way up.

“You will know when we want to contact you.”

Alexandria was sent back to where she had been standing in the woods. She wanted to test her powers so she aimed her hand at a fire log a few yards away. Darkness enveloped the log, and it levitated and came straight to Alexandria’s hand in a couple of seconds. She found several more logs and did the same thing. After only a minute, she had all the logs she needed and she went back to the camp.

“Here are all the logs we need,” said Alexandria as she entered the campsite.

“That was fast,” said Wyvern while he was getting a few rations out.

“I take it Sisilia and Danara are out hunting,” said Alexandria after she noticed that Sisilia and Danara weren’t there.

“Yea, lets get this fire started,” said Rone as he pointed to a small fire pit. Alexandria set the fire logs off to the side of the fire pit and put a few in. Rone pointed his finger at the pit and a small flame shot out of his finger and erupted the logs to create a fire.

“So Wyvern how did you shatter that one Ankishi’s armor,” asked Rone as he and Alexandria sat down.

“I thought you of all people would know. I am the holder of the dragon spirit. The last dragon died and its spirit went into me,” replied Rone.

“I have heard of the holder of the dragon spirit, but I’ve never heard about it actually happening,” replied Rone with awe.

“So do you get any benefits from having this dragon spirit in you?” asked Alexandria as she reluctantly took a bite from a ration.

“Yea, I get improved strength and my skin is harder to penetrate. I also have the type of magic the dragons used,” replied Wyvern just before Sisilia and Danara entered with a deer slung over Sisilia’s shoulder.

“This poor creature didn’t even see me coming,” said Sisilia as she dropped the deer next to Wyvern.

“I’ll skin it and cut it. It may take a while,” said Wyvern as he unsheathed a dagger that was hidden in his boot.

Sendoma bolted from the bed as his stomach was growling. He realized that the last time he ate was more than a day ago. He got up and walked into the hallway. He went back to the main hallway and found Oracle up.

“Looking for the kitchen?” said Oracle.

“Yea, I’m hungry. Why, are you going to the kitchen?” asked Sendoma while his stomach growled.

“No I just saw you were going to come here looking for the kitchen,” said Oracle.

“Ah I see. Well could you show me to the kitchen?” asked Sendoma.

“Yes, follow me.” They started walk down another hallway with only one door that is at the end of the hallway. Before they reached the door, Oracle tripped over his beard again but was able to catch himself before he fell. They finally reached the end of the hallway and Oracle opened the door. Sendoma saw the largest kitchen he had ever seen. It was at least as big as his house on the cliff.

“So what do you have to eat?” asked Sendoma not knowing where everything was.

“I already cooked some meat,” replied Oracle as he pointed to a plate on the table.

“That’s right. You saw me being hungry,” said Sendoma annoyed. Sendoma went over to the plate and started eating the meat.

“Sendoma I must tell you something that you won’t like,” said Oracle with a sudden seriousness in his voice.

“Go ahead. I’m listening,” replied Sendoma before he ate another piece of meat.

“One of your friends, the other survivors, can’t be trusted anymore,” said Oracle.

“What do you mean?” asked Sendoma looking at Oracle intently.

“One of your friends is corrupt. They serve darkness and can not be saved from evil unless it is stripped from them,” said Oracle not taking his gaze off Sendoma.

“Why would they do that?”

“I will not tell you that but I needed to tell you what I just did.” After Oracle said that he left the kitchen. Sendoma finished the plate of meat. After the last piece of meat was taken off, the plate disappeared. Sendoma then left the kitchen and went back to his room. He lay in his bed thinking of what Oracle had told him.

In the middle of thought, Sendoma fell asleep and dreamed of all the possibilities of the betrayal.


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563 Reviews


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Sun Apr 22, 2007 7:38 pm
Writersdomain wrote a review...



Heya! This seems to get better each chapter. I still really like Valentine. :D

Grishtog

You have done a good job of allowing the reader to feel Grishtog's character; your descriptions are good and Sendoma's reaction is interesting. The only thing I would like to point out is how immature Grishtog sounds in this portion:

“Can I look at the sword? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it,” asked Grishtog.

“Yep,” replied Sendoma as he unsheathed the sword.

“Humph, mine new one looks cooler,” said Grishtog as he unsheathed his katana. The katana was tinted a dark blue and it reflected a blue light from it. It looked as though bubbles had been imbedded into its blade.

“Beautiful. So does it have any kind of powers?” asked Sendoma with a smile.

“Umm…not really except its unbreakable,” replied Grishtog with a chuckle.


Here, Grishtog sounded like a cocky teenager showing off his new sword, especially with his 'umm... not really except it's unbreakable' dialogue. I'm not sure if you want that. I always imagined Grishtog more dignified.

Sendoma

Great characterization of Sendoma in here; just one little thing I would like ot point out.

“Ah, Sendoma, my son, welcome,” bellowed Grishtog across the huge marble room. Grishtog was a tall man with short, frizzy, dark hair. He had brown eyes and wore shiny, silver scale armor.

“Long time no see. Why were you never there for me or mother?” asked Sendoma with his anger slowly seeping out.


Sendoma is very... abrupt here. He immediately skips to the 'why'd you leave me and mommy?' without even a bit of shock. Yes, I know he was shocked when Valentine told him about his father, but don't you think Sendoma would be a little awestruck at first? His 'long time no see' bit ruins the impact of his dialogue too; he goes suddenly from a very leisurely line to a very serious accusation. Consider what Sendoma would do.

The Others

In the middle of this piece, you switch to Rone, Sisilia and the others; it was a good bit apart from a bit of phrasing issues that I'm sure you'll find rereading it. However, I do have a suggestion. None of the characters seemed the least bit worried about Sendoma and that surprised me. Now, I don't know your characters as well as you do and I can imagine they probably do trust Valentine, but it struck me as odd that none of them spared even a thought for Sendoma.

Quite a good bit here. Again, reread this for phrasing and grammar issues as always (and if there is any specific part you want me to nitpick on, tell me. I'm not nitpicking every single chapter, because I think you know what to look for by now, but if there is any specific chapter or section, just PM me. :wink: ) Now I go forth to chapter 8! Nice job here and keep writing. PM me if you need anything. :D





Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said