This actually happened.
This is pretty much the story that happened not to long ago. So enjoy.
The Drunken Brother
One night while I was on vacation, I was sitting at a computer near the front door to our house. I knew that my brother had gone to a bar for a few drinks. As I was checking my e-mail, my mother had come down and said that she was going to go and pick up my brother. I figured that my mom had told him to call for her to pick him, just to be on the safe side.
Well anyway I had been Googling to see if I could find Playstation downloads for computer. You know like what they did with the original Nintendo games. Anyway, my searches were turning up to be a negative when I see a car pulling up the driveway. I thought it was my mom, but it was just my brother’s friend Shane who was renting a room in the house.
I continued my search for the download for a while until the front door opened and I heard a slurred voice grumble, “Ow.” I looked behind me and saw my brother standing there with his legs in an awkward standing position and his arm resting on the door. He then stumbled to the bottom of the stairs and said, “I got to take a piss.”
He started crawling up the stairs when my mom walked through the door. As she entered under the archway, my brother stumbled over a few stairs and, again, grumbled, “Ow.”
My mom walked over to where I was sitting at the computer. I looked at my brother fading behind the wall of thee stairs. Then I looked at my mother and asked in utter surprise, “Is he really that drunk?”
My mom nodded and replied, “Yep, he is.”
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There's nothing like ripping something completely out of context, so as Tyra Banks says, "So what?" (except she says it in all capitals, with a solid three or four exclamation points at the end.)
It's obvious you're trying to make a poignant ending, to say something important about your brother, and his drinking, and your relationship with your family. But somehow, it just wasn't there.
It's hard to take things that actually happened and make them poignant, because you can't really alter the dialogue or the circumstances. But you can change your words, and descibe things in greater detail. Write what you were thinking, that might help. Or, at the beginning, or in the middle somewhere, say something about your brother in the past, like maybe how you two used to go build forts out of sticks in the back yard. Something that shows change.
If you still can't make it poignant, start a new paper, and just write about the point you're trying to make. A whole paragraph on how this event made you feel, and its lasting effects. Then, take any well-worded sentences out of it and work them into your first paper.
I think you might need a comma after "One night."
Well comma anyway comma I had been Googling to see if I could find Playstation downloads for the computer.
No, I don't know. Never say "You know" in an essay. Try this:
"Well, anyway, I had been Googling to see if I could find any Playstation games for the computer, like the ones they made for the original Nintendo games."
You really shouldn't be using "Well" in an essay, either.
[/quote]Anyway, my searches were turning up to be a negative when I see a car pulling up the driveway.
Lol, ok, um i think you should write more of this, it was good, and i know you said that it was something that really happened, but couldnt his maybe be the part of a story or the beginning of something?
Meevs
x
Um, the point of this? I might be missing something here, but I like to have plot. This actually happened?
-ST