Chapter 1
Moonlit Rescuer
Moonlight pierced through the cloudless night sky to illuminate the small, deciduous forest around the silhouette. He walked slowly along the dirt road carrying a single messenger bag, alone, with the Full moon’s reflection on the black lens of his sunglasses.
No emotion showed on his pale, scruffy face. His three inch long, dirty blonde hair blew around in the howling wind of the chilly night. Although the wind and cold of the night would make any hardened traveler cower for heat, the man showed no signs of being cold.
All of a sudden, there was a shrill scream that broke the abnormal silence of the night. The traveler stopped and turned his right ear to the sky. The initial scream was followed with half a dozen more very similar to it. The traveler began to sniff the air around him. After several seconds of sniffing, he began to growl. He took the messenger bag off, threw it around a branch high up in a tree nearby, and began running along the path.
While he was running, his skin started to grow a snow white fur, his hands started turning into claws, his teeth all turned to canines, his head turned into that of a wolf’s, and his muscles grew so much that his shirt ripped in half. This new beast form tore the shirt off leaving only a loose leather jacket on it’s upper body and started sprinting at a speed that is impossible to reach for any human.
The werewolf only needed to sprint about a mile and a half until it reached a small hill that overlooked the small town that was being terrorized. It sprinted down the hill and jumped on top of a roof of a house in the town. It heard a scream to its left. It turned to the sight of an extremely pale, male humanoid grabbing hold of a woman in her twenties. The werewolf jumped off the roof in front of the man and struggling woman. The man threw the woman to the side and started barring his teeth, showing two extremely long canine teeth that were already dripping with blood from a previous victim.
The werewolf growled, brought its right claw up, and slashed across the chest of the man. The man went flying against a hardwood wall of a house, barely moving with four gashes across his chest. The werewolf crept up to come face to face with the badly wounded man.
The man smiled and gasped out, “S**t, I thought all your kind were dead. Hunted to extinction by those you had protected.”
“Unlike your pathetic race, we were always resilient to all types of quick killing. However, most of us did have the allergy to silver. I am not one of those. I will not go down easily,” replied the werewolf as he began to pull his right claw to side, preparing for one final slash on this enemy. After ending the violent life of the man, the werewolf let out a long, enraged howl to the full moon warning all other enemies in the town to get out.
He jumped up onto the roof of the church, the tallest building in the town, to make sure all those that had a smell of blood and death worse than that of one hundred fresh corpses. As he watched them flee, he noticed the inhabitants of the town gathering below, on the steps in front of the church. He noticed several of them pointing guns at him, but none fired and all but one were shaking. No one was making any noise whatsoever. Everyone was starring at the werewolf that was holding onto the statue of the Virgin Mary on the church.
The silence was broken by the women that the werewolf had saved before. “Put the guns down. It’s not here to harm us. If it were, I doubt it would just be sitting up their starring at us. Besides, it saved me from one of those things,” she said, standing in front of the entire crowd.
Murmurs started to spread throughout the crowd. From the noise, a shout interrupted all the chatter. “But the legends say these beasts are ferocious and will kill no matter what.”
The women shouted back, “They also say that they have no human characteristics, but I heard this one talk.”
The same voice from before shouted back, “If it can talk let it defend itself.”
Silence ensued once again. All eyes of the townsfolk were staring up at it, waiting for it to say something. It breathed in and said, “What this woman says is true. I am not here to harm any of you. In fact, I came here to help you defend yourselves from those that attacked you. They are called vampires and they are my race’s sworn enemy.”
It jumped down near the woman who had been defending me from the others. The werewolf’s snow white hair began to fall off as his head turned back into that of the traveler from before, its claws turned back into human hands, and the muscles shrunk back to the size they had been before. The audience of the rarely seen spectacle gasped.
“I am what you call a werewolf, but you have no reason to fear me. My race, we call ourselves Lycans, have always served to protect humanity, even when they turned and began hunting us,” said the Lycan who has started showing signs of exhaustion.
The woman turned to the Lycan and said, “We are all still very curious of this tale you tell, but you appear to be getting tired. My house has an extra room if you care to stay the night?”
The Lycan nodded and began following the woman as the rest of the townspeople, still curious and questioning, began to disintegrate into their own homes for the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
My pleasure,
If there is anything more I can do to help please PM me.
If a werewolf is humanoid, then I don't think claw fits the definition too well either. But you're the writer, so if that is how you imagine a werewolf, then by all means, don't let me stop you.
Also,while it may not be vital, perhaps you could tell the readers that there will indeed be a use for the sunglasses at a later stage. Perhaps hint as to what there significance will be within his description, as it can be off putting for readers, if they are confused by this.
Have a good one!
alright thanks and a couple things
-you find out about the sunglasses later
-werewolf is different from wolf its humanoid so it has a hand like thing paws wouldnt really work out for a humanoid
Hi there,
Here are my two cents on the story:
Firstly, if the night is cloudless, the moonlight would hardly need to pierce anything would it?
While I do understand what you mean when you use the word silhouette, you might want to clarify by using "silhouette of a man", otherwise, the next sentence can be quite off putting.
Also, two more things, if its night, why is he wearing sunglasses? Also, if there is a reason, is it not obvious that the lens is black? I'd ditch the "black".
I don't think we really need to know the length of his hair. I'd ditch the "three inch long."
Also, you've used the word night two sentences in a row, I think that by now we have established that it is the nighttime. One more nitpick, perhaps the last sentence would look better like this: "The wind and cold would make any hardened traveler cower, but this man showed no signs of being cold."
Perhaps the first sentence would read better as "Suddenly, a shrill scream broke the abnormal silence." Once again you have told us it is the night. Also Maybe: "The initial scream was followed by half a dozen others."
I would suggest revising this paragraph, as there are several images, such as the growth of muscles which don't really grab my attention to say the least. There are also one or two clumsy phrases.
I don't think you need to tell us the town is being terrorized. Also you can't bar teeth, you bare teeth, with one "r". The last sentence might be rephrased as follows: "The man pushed the women aside, two large canines protruded out of his mouth dripping in blood."
Wolves don't have claws, they have paws. there is also a little clumsy sentence construction in this sentence.
Somehow this dialog does not strike me as realistic. I would also suggest sticking to the word "said", as it is not as much of a chore on the eyes as "gasped" or something of the sort.
Staring, not starring. Perhaps you should replace it with "Everyone stared at the werewolf..."
Once again, the dialog needs a lot of work.
Where do you come into this? whose point of view are you telling the story from anyway? I'm confused.
Once again, I find myself unable to take this piece of dialogue seriously.
Sum Up
I really think you have a good idea to work with. I would however suggest practicing dialogue. In order to do this, a nice idea is to take a diary, and eavesdrop on other conversations. Jot them down, and then read them to see how people talk. Its a really good exercise.
I would also suggest avoiding overdoing your description, and trying to use a little more elegance in your concord. The more you practice the better you get.
Good luck!