A Dragon's Story chapter 2 and 3

Alright, I took this to school (yes, I know: "Nerd!") and critiqued it. Forgive me if nothing makes sense, lol.

The half dragon [s]got[/s] swung [or some other word?] his feet under me and kicked me into the air. [s]I had been[/s] He kicked me so high, [s]that[/s] I was beyond the height of the roof of the inn.

[s]Normally[/s] half dragons [s]don’t[/s] [unsure if this should be 'didn't' instead] have wings, but this one did [s]and that surprised me.[/s] to my surprise.

He flew [s]at [/s] towards] me, [s]slow[/s] slowly compared to a pure-blood dragon, but still fast enough to reach me before I hit the ground.

As soon as I landed on the street, I felt a ton of pain in my left arm.

I [s]brought[/s] my only [s]useable[/s] usable claw [s]at the[/s] in time to block his first attack.

If he was a human, [s]than[/s] then all of these attacks would do little, if any, harm to me. However, since it was a half dragon attacking me, it felt like I was getting bashed by a blunt sword.

I [s]could tell[/s] knew he was [s]already[/s] dead before I had opened my eyes.

I removed the body from above me and [s]did my best[/s] struggled to stand up.

The entire time, I was wondering where the other half dragon had gone.

“Umm…there’s another one!?” he responded [s]in fear and shock[/s] fearfully as he looked around for the other one.

Shouldn’t be as hard [s]as you think to spot[/s] to spot as you think, [use a semi or dash] its scales were more predominant than this one’s,” I said as I looked at my left arm. I couldn’t see any outside injuries, but I still felt quite a bit of pain [don't think this quite fits] all over my arm.

Any idea why they were here,” asked David as [you use this almost too much, hehe] he looked at the body of the dead half dragon.

“I don’t have a clue, but I bet that girl [s]that I saved[/s] knows,” I replied, looking at the hole I had made in the second floor of the inn.

She was still sitting in the hall, propped up against the wall.

Figuring that she thought I was with the other half dragons...

“Prove it,” she said [s]quickly in a stern voice[/s] [fiercely] as she pointed a small hand gun at me.

He slowly lowered it, but looked at me as though I was being stupid.

The civil war ended when the whole black order was obliterated except me [dash or triple dots] [s]because[/s] I was hidden.

“Look at the color of my scales. [move tag at the bottom to right here ] They are black. About twenty years ago, the other orders of dragons were planning on invading and enslaving humans. The black order didn’t agree with them and it caused a civil war between the dragon orders. The civil war ended when the whole black order was obliterated except me because I was hidden. I was a few years old, but I was kept with my human mother during the civil war. The reason why the other dragon flights didn’t invade after the civil war was because they were almost obliterated as well,” I responded as I slowly moved closer and closer to the fatigued woman.

She suddenly dropped that hand, and I quickly ran towards her to help her and get the gun from her. She tried to respond, but I was to fast.

I saw several villagers running and screaming in a huge mess of chaos. I saw one of the villagers was looking [s]in[/s] up to the sky so I did as well.

I saw about one hundred dragons, all ranging in color.[colon] [s]Some were[/s] blue, [s]some[/s] red, [s]some[/s] gold, [s]some[/s] green, [s]some[/s] cyan, and [s]some[/s] gray...Some even had half-dragons riding them.

It was always a relief when David was by my side [insert dash here] [s]because[/s] he [s]is[/s] was the smartest, strongest, and fastest human I know.

This girl is probably the reason they are here and if they want her dead I think we should keep her alive,” I said [s]as[/s] and I took the woman from his hands.

[s]It tried to dodge the bullets[/s] The half-dragon dodged most of the bullets, but the last bullet of David’s clip penetrated his shoulder. [s]It[/s] The creature [or something] fell while it held its shoulder. It was writhing in pain as David reloaded his clip. [s]David [/s] The human] shot at the still moving half dragon four more times.

The dragon was a young one. [dash or semi] It was one of the smallest pure-blood dragons, but was still a threat.

As soon as it heard the shots[dashes] or maybe it felt them,[dashes] it looked straight at David. David continued shooting until he was out of bullets.[delete period] [s]Then[/s] before, he would pop in a new clip and shoot some more.

“What are you doing? [insert tag here] I am giving you time to get out of this town. If this is the beginning of another invasion, then humans need the black order to protect it again. GO!” he yelled at me.

I ran back and got the girl as I heard David [s]scream[/s] shout, “Eat this!”

As soon as I saw the explosion I knew David had allowed the dragon to eat him [s]because[/s] dash he always carried some type of explosive on him.

I ran toward the mother and her son, and said, “Follow me. I will do my best to get you out of here safely.” I could see the [s]kid[/s] child was scared, but the mother had seen the whole thing with the small pure blood dragon.

Since it was night time, we were well disguised from the dragons because we were all in dark clothes, not to mention the fact that we were traveling through thick, uncharted woods that surrounded the town.

I[s], then,[/s] turned to the mother and said,

He [s]was[/s] occasionally [s]shooting[/s] shot fire at the woods. I inhaled deeply, [s]exhaled,[/s] and launched a ball of molten lava [s]about the size of a baseball[/s] at him.

I got dragged for a bit then, when he flew back up, I went up with him.

You’d think that as a dragon, I wouldn’t be afraid of heights, but I have never flown before and at that moment, I hoped I would never again.

I could tell I was hurting him because he noticed I was hanging on to him and he was yelping occasionally.

He tried [s]scratching[/s] brushing/sweeping me off with his paws, but was unable to reach.

I took advantage of my predicament and inhaled deeply. I then launched another slightly smaller lava ball under one of the scales that I was slowly tearing off. I heard his exposed flesh sizzle and his roar of pain. His flying faltered slightly, but he was able to stay aloft.

knew that I couldn’t use another lava ball, or I would faint due to exhaustion. [s]I was actually surprised that the second one did actually come out.[/s]

The entire time I was falling, I tried to grab the scale.

I was hoping that I would fall into the trees, [s]because[/s] hoping I [s]might’ve been able to[/s] could catch a branch and slow my fall.

It still hurt when I hit the ground, [s]but it would’ve hurt so much more if I hadn’t been slowed down.[/s] I laid there for a few seconds as I caught my breath. Then, [no comma] I heard a sweet feminine voice say, “I guess I should rescue my rescuer.”

I replied with a moan of pain.

loved it, couldn't find anything wrong that wasn't already said i guess thats a good thing can't wait till next chapter.

Hi,
OK, now I'll do chapter 3 .

After we left the town in a rush, we headed towards a mountain range that’s about half a day hike from it.
I think you could use more description on how the got to the woods and mountain range

Since it was night time, we were well disguised from the dragons because we were all in dark clothes not to mention the fact that we were traveling through thick, uncharted woods that surrounded the town.
This is a bit wordy. Try to compress it or break it into sentences.

I, then, turned to the mother and said, “Head deeper into the woods and hide.
You don't need the comma after I and then. Try reading it outloud.

It hit him in the back and he yelped, though it hardly hurt him.
Try rewording a little. Something doesn't sound quite right to me. Might be a personal preference.

I had ducked so I wouldn’t be body slammed.
Delete had

You’d think that as a dragon, I wouldn’t be afraid of heights, but I have never flown before and at that moment, I hoped I would never again.
You switch tenses here.

I was so scared that I clenched my hands together as mush as possible while still holding on.
Try something like: I was so scared that I tightened my grip even more on the dragon's scales

I could tell I was hurting him because he noticed I was hanging on to him and he was yelping occasionally.
A bit wordy here. Try something along the lines of: I could tell I was hurting him as I was hanging, because he occasionally released a yelp.

I then launched another slightly smaller lava ball under one of the scales that I was slowly tearing off.
Ow!

I heard his exposed flesh sizzle and his roar of pain.
I heard his exposed flesh sizzle as he roared with pain

I was actually surprised that the second one did actually come out.
You're repetitive here with actually

Each time I scraped his flesh, he roared.
I don't think you need the comma here

He yanked me off with his loose scale and tossed me straight towards the earth.
He yanked me off along with his loose scale and tossed me straight towards the earth.

The entire time I was falling I tried to grab the scale.
Try adding another word here. For example: frantically

Just before I hit the ground, a bubble of some kind of energy appeared and slowed me down.
Elaborate please. What was the bubble like?

It still hurt when I hit the ground, but it would’ve hurt so much more if I hadn’t been slowed down.
Take out so

Then, I heard a sweet feminine voice say, “I guess I should rescue my rescuer.”
Oooh . Saved by a girl.

I replied with a moan of pain.
I think you can delete this and make it the beginning of your next chapter.

This was good . Again, it could use more description and imagery. I like your story outline. It's intriguing. Can't wait to read more!

Happy writing,
Falcon_Ablaze

Hi,
Sorry I didn't get to these sooner. It's been a bit hectic at my house. I'll start with chapter two.

After I roared, I charged the two half dragons.
charged at

We crashed on the street below.
onto instead of on

The half dragon got his feet under me and kicked me into the air. I had been kicked so high, that I was beyond the height of the roof of the inn.
These two can be merged I think. Like: The half dragon got his feet under me kicked me into the air beyond the roof of the inn / beyond the rooftops.

Normally half dragons don’t have wings, but this one did and that surprised me.
Maybe try rewording this somehow.

He flew at me slow compared to a pure blood dragon but still fast enough to reach me before I hit the ground.
Add a comma after dragon

As soon as I landed on the street, I felt a ton of pain in my left arm.
Try coming up with another word for ton. That's a word that's used a lot when speaking out loud but it doesn't look right in writing.

I opened my eyes and saw a long bullet sticking an inch out of the blue half dragon’s head, and dark red blood trickling down his face.
A bullet sticking an inch out of his head ? It would probably go all the way through.

The entire time I was wondering where the other half dragon had gone.Try adding another word in here ... I nervously wondered where the other half dragon had gone. The way you have in now isn't quite detailed enough I don't think.

After I stood up, I turned around and saw my friend David standing there with a Springfield sniper rifle in his hand and smoke coming out of the barrel.
Add a comma after friend and David.

“Yea it was golden.
"Yeah, it was golden.

Any idea why they were here
Add a question mark after here.

“I don’t have a clue, but I bet that girl that I saved knows,” I replied looking at the hole I made in the second floor of the inn.
You don't need a comma after knows. Add a comma after replied.

She looked at me, and I could see the fear in her eyes.
I don't think you need a comma.

David pointed his Springfield at her, but I knew that wouldn’t help so I lowered his gun and looked at him to keep it lowered.
Maybe have that he gave David a stern look or something of that nature.

The reason why the other dragon flights didn’t invade after the civil war was because they were almost obliterated as well,” I responded as I slowly moved closer and closer to the fatigued woman.
I think you me fights not flights

I could see that the woman was tired.
Elaborate on this some. How could you tell she was tired?

We looked at each other both thinking that the other dragon had returned.Add a comma after other maybe. Also, specify half dragon.

David strapped his Springfield to his back, took the girl from me, and nodded to me.
You got a little repetitive here with me and me. Try rewording a little.

Some were blue, some red, some gold, some green, some cyan, and some gray.
Again, you got a little repetitive here with some .

It was always a relief when David was by my side because he is the smartest, strongest, and fastest human I know.
You switch tenses in the middle of the sentence.

It was getting ready to tear apart a mother and her new born son.
newborn

As soon as it heard the shots or maybe it felt them, it looked straight at David.
As soon as it heard, or maybe felt the shots, it looked straight at David.

The dragon charged David, but David kept shooting.
but he

I could see the kid was scared, but the mother had seen the whole thing with the small pure blood dragon.
You said earlier that it was a newborn so this doesn't make a lot of sense . The baby wouldn't know what was going on. Add a comma after small

She held on to her son tightly and said to her son, “This one USN’t bad. Its already protecting a human and it has offered to help us.” The son looked up at me. I could tell he was still afraid of me, but he nodded to his mother.
Again, this doesn't make sense since it was a newborn.

I looked around for the safest route and got the unconscious woman, the mother, and the son out of the city.
I think you could be a little more descriptive with how they got out of the city.

However, I felt as though I had just lost a brother.
Good ending sentence

That was pretty good . Overall, I think you could use a little more description e.g. emotions, how he feels. I will do the third chapter either tonight or tomorrow. Sorry for such a long critique. I'm detail oriented if you can't tell . If you have any questions or anything let me know. I look forward to more!

Hope this helps,
Falcon_Ablaze