Published December 23, 2009
There's a fold in this paper,
A crease, a line,
A literal wrinkle in a moment in time.
There's a moment in time
When the world is still,
And all you can know is your heart's will.
There's a heart's will
Unlike any other,
That makes you realize there couldn't be another.
There couldn't be another
Quite like the one you have had,
So you aim to write, grab a pen and a pad.
There's a pen and a pad
Inked with your soul
A piece of yourself given so you're no longer whole.
There's a piece of you no longer whole,
That this paper forever holds,
But that has grown old with wear and folds.
I wanted to write more, pull the scheme out longer. Tonight just wasn't the night for it, I do hope to come back though and add more. Any comments? Please? =]
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
I actually really liked this poem! The linking and repetition worked well for me, it really did. It feels like you've thought it through, which is nice. It all works together as well, and the way that it goes in a full circle is lovely. My problem is that it feels more like a surface read than a deep poem. It's beautifully written and crafted, but I can't find the message that you're conveying (or rather, not conveying) here. I don't know. It's lovely and pretty, but it doesn't feel like there's much going on beneath it, if you get me.
~Amy
I could'nt understand what was the message you wanted to convey. I dont think it was repitive though. I liked
You can improve it a bit and there is no need to lengthen it.Below am going to rewrite the poem to help with the repition
Hope this helps
It's a little repetitive, almost like you ran out of ideas and wanted it to take up more space. No offense meant. It's not bad, and I like it, don't get me wrong, but there's always room for improvement. For taking one stanza into the next, like you said in your post--It's a good idea in theory, but comes out awkwardly in the actual poem.
Oh.. I was experimenting with structure, that repetition was my idea for writing this. The end of one stanza is supposed to carry into the beginning of the next. Is there some way I could have done it better?
What I don't like is that there isn't much of a message to it... For me atleast...And I didn't like how you said "A moment in time/ There's a moment in time" Its rather annoying and makes the read a bit boring. Goes for the same everywhere else you did it.
Other than that I do like the way you're describing things and the flow is pretty okay.