z

Young Writers Society



Treacherous Terrain

by strawberrybeaches217


The wind blew in her face as she braced herself for the fall. She didn't dare to look back, knowing that she was above a great chasm. Where was she? How did she get there in the first place? She couldn't remember how many times she had fallen as she looked down at her many cuts and countless bruises. She kept climbing up the steep ravine. Maybe it would be best if she just turned around. How much did it matter? She turned around and was shocked. How did she even make it up to this point. There was no way that she would turn around now. She looked ahead and saw what looked like a nearby plateau. It would bring no consolation from the wind, but at least she could stop climbing.

She noticed the sun begin to fade as she continued to make her way towards the flat, open land. The sky began to darken, and suddenly a fog began to embrace her. She stumbled over every loose stone on the path, slowly making her way in the direction which she thought she remembered. She felt a stone give way and she fell without a hesitation into complete darkness. Where was she heading? Why was it so dark? She wondered as she kept falling, the fog thickening and closing in around her. She saw herself approaching a long branch quickly and reached up to grab it, pulling herself up in the process. She looked down at herself, her arms covered with scratches and bruises. Her legs were practically covered in blood from the sharp, small rocks along the road. She stood up slowly, wobbling and surveyed around her.

Where was she now? She wondered. She was completely surrounded by complete, utter darkness. Chills crawled up her spine as she took a step forward. She wondered if she had fallen into some sort of cave or tunnel or if the fog was simply that thick. She hoped that one step wouldn't be certain death as the edge of a cliff or worse. She shuddered at her thoughts and kept walking.

It felt like she had been walking for hours and still, darkness. She had an overwhelming feeling that she wasn't alone, but the darkness failed to disclaim or prove her assumptions. She suddenly stopped walking and listened. There it was. As slight crunch of something heavy walking upon the ground behind her.

"H-hello," she said timidly. "Is anyone there?" Her voice shook as she spoke. The thing crept closer and closer. She wanted to run, but she had no idea where she should run to. She bravely stayed put in the silence.

She stepped back and felt something slimy and sticky upon her bare feet and ankles. Slipping, she fell on her back. She tried to stand back up, but found it nearly impossible, continuously slipping backwards once again. The creature which she had thought was stalking her earlier took a step forward and lunged onto her. She screamed with all the strength she had as its fangs penetrated into her arm. It looked as if it was the mix between a spider and a snake with a long, scaly body with eight legs and the head of a spider. Her eyelids became heavy as she resisted the spider-snake. She lay back and stopped fighting. She realized that the fight was hopeless and the creature was relentless. She decided to lay back and let herself become destroyed peacefully.

Apparently, fate had another idea, as out of nowhere a sword came crashing down on the creature and a helping hand was extended out towards her. She stood up in shock. "Who are you?" She stated quickly.

"It doesn't matter now." A deep, masculine voice answered. "I believe that you want to go in that direction. Get out of here as quickly as you can, and when you reach the plateau, don't leave it until I find you!" He pointed towards a small light and then walked away.

Confused at this lurking stranger who had apparently saved her life, she walked towards the light. She soon found herself back on the narrow ridge which she was climbing up earlier that day. The tunnel which she was in was a shortcut, she realized. She was closer to the plateau now than earlier. She climbed up with new determination. 250 feet. 125 feet. 75 feet. 50 feet. 25 feet. 5 feet. 4 feet. 3 feet. 2 feet. 1 foot. She made it to the top. She surveyed the landscape around her and sighed in relief. Her arm throbbed from the bite which she had received earlier by the strange, cave creature, and her legs stung as the blood dried.

The scenery was breathtaking. She had no idea where she was. Her stomach growled noisily, but she ignored it. Mountains surrounded her. She was alone, in isolation and desolation. She sat down and pondered her options. She looked up to the sky and felt a strange sense of calling. She looked around again and saw a figure on a nearby mountain. It was a person. She called out to them, but received no reply. She called again but was only answered by her echoing, bouncing voice. She quickly forgot about her instructions and walked back to the path. The ground began to shake beneath her and her footing gave way. She toppled over the cliff and fell. Down. Down. Down.


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317 Reviews


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:56 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Why did she walk all that way anyways? I have no nitpickings. Well, none that I could see anyways.

If I saw that spider-snake (perhaps a spake or a snider?) I would've screamed my head off and ran on my jellied legs. Also another question, why would she listen to a complete stranger when she was going somewhere else. Well, I think she was going somewhere anyways. That guy must've been disappointed finding that girl a squishy dead person at the bottom of the plateau.

Keep writing lime!

~lost




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Wed Dec 11, 2013 4:05 am
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Cheetah wrote a review...



Hia blimeylimey! Cheetah here to review your piece.

Your first short story you say? This was very well done! I really liked the description you used on the slimy creature she encountered. I especially enjoyed the last paragraph, which provided a lot of detail that made this story well worth the read.

Nit-Picky

suddenly a fog began to embraced her.

I know Silverlock already caught you on this one, so sorry to have to critique this bit again, but it should be 'embrace' rather than 'embraced'. Just a minor error.

Confused at this lurking stranger which had apparently saved her life and walked towards the light.

This sentence doesn't really seem to make sense. Perhaps you could try, 'Confused at this lurking stranger who had apparently saved her life, she walked toward the light.' I may have just interpreted it wrong, however. Just a suggestion. ;)

Overall

Maybe you could tell us the reason she came to the cliff? It was a bit difficult to read when I didn't exactly know the conflict or what her motive was. This story seemed really symbolic, but the reader has to have some sense of what's going on. You could possibly add in what she is doing somewhere at the end of the first paragraph or the beginning of the second.

And we're done! I hope I wasn't too harsh, it really was very good. You definitely have strengths in description and suspense. Good job! :D






Thank you so much! Appreciate all the help! Will do!



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Tue Dec 10, 2013 1:38 pm
Snowery wrote a review...



Hey!! Silver here to review!!
Wow! I really liked this. It captured my imagination and I could feel the fear. Your description is very good and your story really drew me in. Your ending was quite the twist that left me a little dumbfounded in a good way.

Some nitpicky things:

"How did she even make it up to this point."
There should be a question mark at the end of this.

"and suddenly a fog embraced her."
I don't think that fogs are very sudden, maybe: "and suddenly a fog began to embrace her." ?

" the fog thickening closing in around her"
Try: " the fog thickening and closing in around her"

Overall this was a great piece. :) Happy writing!! I look forward to seeing more form you. :) :)

Silverlock






Thank you for your encouragement! I will definitely use your suggestions! I'm glad you enjoyed it!




Hearing these stories makes me realize that I never did anything with my childhood.
— The Internet