Young Writers Society

Hi sphealwithit here, good marrow

This is really good. Definitly something I dont see everyday. To me it seems like this girl is just trying to make it through life but while doing so she falls. Basically life's journey taking twists and turns.

Feel free to tell me if this is right or wrong. Anyway, I cant really see any major technical errors so keep up the good work.

Sphealwithit out...

Hey! I'm Sarah! XD

This is really different from what I normally read. Actually, this isn't something I read at all. However, it's really powerful. For a short story thing you really made an impression! I love the way this was written! It paints a picture in my mind that a little girl, a little dancer, just wants to get this over with as quickly but skillfully as she can!

GREAT JOB! \(^O^)/ The only reason I'm saying this is because I'm not too sure on how to give a proper review on this. ^^; Sorry.

BYE!

Hi I'm Candrew. That was really good. One thing I noticed though was that when you kept saying "she fell she stood up" some of them had commas or periods between them. Some you just left them the way I just put it. I don't know if you meant for it to be like that or you just made errors. I just thought that it would be nice of me to inform you if you already didn't know. I'm not trying to be mean by pointing this out and other than that I thought it was great! I hope I have the privilege of reading more of your stories as it was a pleasure reading this one.

Keep writing.
forever follower,
Candrew

This was an encouraging short story on perseverance. It reminded me of the many times I have fallen and gotten up. My only problem with the poem was that it was somewhat repetitive, as in you writing, "She fell. She stood up." repeated times. But I think that the repetitiveness emphasizes our daily challenges and successes.

Hi. Very nice! This was very simple, yet elegant as a result. I'm not sure whether I'd count this as a short story (in the prosaic sense) or a poem, but there is a very blurry line between prose and poetry so that's not a big deal. You say this is about hope, but I'd say it's more than that, really. One can hope for something beyond one's power, or for something in one's power without actually doing anything about it, as though the hope were enough. You have captured the more realistic, positive side of hope, which values relentless effort over idleness.

Your approach to presenting this kind of hope is possibly a bit 'cliche', but the cliche exists for good reason! The representation of a hopeful character as someone who stands up after falling is widely used. In fact, this thing about falling and getting up - not necessarily in relation to hope - is ancient. I believe it was Confucius who said "our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." I have to say, in some ways this simple saying encompasses a great deal more than your story, as not only does it value hope and persistence, but it also gives a glimpse of a reward for that hope: there is 'glory' in standing up. If I were not already convinced of the value of hope when I read your story, I don't know whether I would appreciate it as much. Her hopeful relentlessness could be interpreted as futility, and I'm sure you don't want that!

So I wouldn't say this work of yours is quite finished, though its a solid start and with work it might even develop into something wonderful. I have two suggestions, though I don't think either will 'complete' it. Firstly, consider restructuring it. As it is it reads somewhat like a poem but looks like (or, rather, it is) a paragraph of light prose. This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but I feel the poetic rhythm (she fell, she stood up, da da da, she fell, she stood up, da da da, etc) warrants some form of segmentation, rather than presenting it as a single block of text.

Secondly, and this is a bit harder to express so I can only hope you understand what I mean, at the moment the overall 'motion' of the story is one of falling and rising, but each rise and each fall seems to be to the same level. Yet I imagine you are probably trying to convey an overall rising motion with occasional dips (or chasms, if you like), so that by the end the character should be rising high than she ever rose nearer the beginning, despite (or because of) the continuous falls. I don't know exactly how I would go about doing this if it were up to me, but there is one part I would change:

"She bravely took her first, small step."

This is okay, but how about simply saying 'She took her first, small step'? If she isn't already brave at that early stage, she might become brave as a result of her periodic falls and rises, meaning she is made stronger as a result of this cycle, creating an overall rising motion. You can then do this for several other qualities. By walking past the teasing laughter, she might learn self-respect. By making new friends, trust. And so on.

Oh, one more thing, though this isn't really a comment on the story itself: I'd take out the explanatory paragraph. A story as 'short and sweet' as this should be able to stand on its own two feet. If it doesn't - if people 'don't get it' - then you know you've got a problem, and you ought to know about it. So be brave, take it out and see what happens!

Hi, Cheetah here to review your story.

I enjoyed reading this. Although there was a lot of repetition, I guess that was the point. I especially liked this part:

She fell. She stood up. She finished the dance.