The path of a hero

by storyguy
  • January 5, 2012
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Action / Adventure

chapter1 00:00 till doomsday

Hi my names Jake but why am I even talking you know who I am. sad to say this is my last video journal and if any ones listening to this I must be dead. an image of a young man with blond hair and sea blue eyes says. He has a black T shirt, faded blue jeans and dark blue and white journeys skater shoes. fire falls from the sky outside. Standing next to a badly cracked window stands a young boy with light brown hair which was a little messy he had bright green eyes and wore a torn up shirt and holy jeans with faded grey skater shoes. "I am so sorry I failed to do my duty. ya its thanks to you were in this mess. The boy said angerly you know he cant hear you right the boy jumped and turned around to see his twin sister bug off Terra. the boy said as his sister walked into the kitchen. I can only imagine what the worlds must be like The image said. Earth didn't used to be like this it used to be full of life clear waters green grass a sun to lie under and many exotic animals. But now all that can be seen is fire falling from the sky dark grey clouds and boiling hot lava.

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User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Mon Sep 13, 2021 4:38 pm

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Hi my names Jake but why am I even talking you know who I am. sad to say this is my last video journal and if any ones listening to this I must be dead. an image of a young man with blond hair and sea blue eyes says. He has a black T shirt, faded blue jeans and dark blue and white journeys skater shoes. fire falls from the sky outside. Standing next to a badly cracked window stands a young boy with light brown hair which was a little messy he had bright green eyes and wore a torn up shirt and holy jeans with faded grey skater shoes. "I am so sorry I failed to do my duty. ya its thanks to you were in this mess. The boy said angerly you know he cant hear you right the boy jumped and turned around to see his twin sister bug off Terra. the boy said as his sister walked into the kitchen. I can only imagine what the worlds must be like The image said. Earth didn't used to be like this it used to be full of life clear waters green grass a sun to lie under and many exotic animals. But now all that can be seen is fire falling from the sky dark grey clouds and boiling hot lava.


Okay...so on first glance this appears...rather messy here. I'm really having trouble telling where you're trying to go with this one here. It seems to be a little bit all over the place here, there's no clear path that this story seems to be trying to take..and the perspectives also seem to shift rapidly, not to mention we've even got some change between first person/ second person.

That's the first major issue, you've really got to decide with perspective you want to write this from and most importantly, if you want this to be first person throughout or third person throughout. Switching them this rapidly in such a short paragraph is a bit of a recipe for disaster here.

Soo...despite all of these disasters though, I do like the general descriptions here, we go get a very apocalyptic vibe from things here and you can certainly sense the kind of condition this story is taking place in. Doomsday stories to tend to be quite fun, but uhh, yeah the way these characters are presented here is what needs some work.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Lydia1995
Review
Lydia1995 wrote a review · Sun Jan 08, 2012 12:01 pm

Hi there Storyguy!

I'm Lydia and I'm here to review your piece. I hope I don't say anything which offends you but if I do feel free to totally disregard my advice - it's your story after all. So let's get down to it.

This was very difficult to read and attempt to understand because your grammar was all over the place. There are loads of forums on grammar on YWS if you go here - http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewforum.php?f=151 These should help you brush up on your rules!

First things first I'll go through with the nit-picks. (I know, we all hate them but it's the best way to improve!)

storyguy wrote:#FF0000 ">chapter1 Chapter One (usually we tend to write numbers out in full) 00:00 #FF0000 ">till Try to avoid abbreviating things in case the reader doesn't understand so here use until doomsday

Hi#FF0000 ">, my name#FF0000 ">'s Jake#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">but #FF0000 ">wWhy am I even talking#FF0000 ">? #FF0000 ">yYou know who I am. #FF0000 ">I'm (You always need to write in full sentences unless it's quoted dialogue then you can afford a bit of slang)sad to say #FF0000 ">that this is my last video journal #FF0000 ">and #FF0000 ">If #FF0000 ">anyone's listening to this #FF0000 ">then I must be dead. #FF0000 ">I changed this sentence up a bit - it gives it a bit more impact that way #000080 ">Here you then jump to description but you haven't put the previous stuff in speech marks #FF0000 ">an I'd change this to The image of a young man with blond hair and sea blue eyes says. He#FF0000 ">has's wearing a black T shirt, faded blue jeans and dark blue and white journeys skater shoes. #FF0000 ">Fire falls from the sky #FF0000 ">outside I'm assuming this is on the screen so clarify that and say on the screen. Standing next to a badly cracked window #FF0000 ">stands As you've already said standing you don't need to say stands, you could just say is a young boy with light brown hair which #FF0000 ">was you changing tenses halfway through here - isa little messy he #FF0000 ">hadhas bright green eyes and #FF0000 ">wore is wearing a torn up shirt and holy jeans with faded grey skater shoes. "I am so sorry I failed to do my duty.#FF0000 ">" (You need to clarify who's talking here by saying something like 'the man continued' #FF0000 ">ya Again try and avoid slang its thanks to you we#FF0000 ">'re in this mess. #FF0000 ">You need speech marks around this The boy said #FF0000 ">angerly angrily you know he cant hear you right #FF0000 ">again speech marks the boy jumped and turned around to see his twin sister#FF0000 ">. #FF0000 ">"Bug off Terra#FF0000 ">," the boy said as his sister walked into the kitchen. #FF0000 ">"I can only imagine what the worlds must be like#FF0000 ">," #FF0000 ">the image said. #FF0000 ">"The Earth didn't used to be like this#FF0000 ">, it used to be full of life#FF0000 ">, clear waters#FF0000 ">, green grass#FF0000 ">, a sun to lie under and many exotic animals. But now all that can be seen is fire falling from the sky#FF0000 ">, dark grey clouds and boiling hot lava.#FF0000 ">"


Okay so that's it for the nit-picks! Apart from, as Stori said when you are starting another line of dialogue which is being said by someone else you need to start a new paragraph. This will help make it a lot easier to follow who's speaking! :D

Now for some general comments:

Character -

So in terms of character we don't really have anything to go on here. This perhaps because of the length would be better as a prologue? Just a suggestion. I'm interested to know where Terra and her twin are? Because if the Earth has been destroyed where are they living? In terms of their characters though you haven't explained anything, if you are leaving this as a first chapter you can afford to go into more detail about the principal characters.

Plot -

In terms of the storyline I think this has potential, I'm interested to see how you can make this original because 'doomsday' has been done rather a lot. I like the idea of the use of a video log that works quite well but you need to make it really clear who's speaking and whether things are occurring on the video or not.

I'd be really interested to read some more of this :) PM me if you upload some more. Do you mind me asking if English is your second language?

Keep Writing!
Lydia

User avatar
Stori
Review
Stori wrote a review · Thu Jan 05, 2012 9:06 pm

Hey there, Guy. Before I point out any mistakes, remember- each time someone new speaks, it helps to start a new paragraph. For instance-

I am so sorry I failed to do my duty.

ya its thanks to you were in this mess. The boy said angerly you know he cant hear you right



You're a hairy, wizard!
— EllieMae