Published May 3, 2007
students listen and listen well
for i have an amazing tale to tell
and its all about the teachers
as I'm sure you will agree
they haven't got a clue
there sit there and start telling me
what the hell to do
and as for p.e don't get me started
me and my friend's are always parted
in a gym that stinks of sweat
all the equipment is a health threat
and yet the teachers don't seem to care
if we complain you know they go spare
so all we do is shut are trap
while we listen to the teachers crap
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141,441 Literary Works • 674,439 Reviews
You didn't suck.
Ofour gave amazing constructive criticism. I have the exact same things to say as him. So if you're looking for something more constructive, go up and read what he said.
This was kind of general and just written. Try putting some feeling into it, or making the read feel something. Even when telling a "story" (as this could be called) through a poem, make sure your reader feels something otherwise you'll bore them and they won't care about what you said at all.
ok ok im sorry if i suck u could be alot more constuctive all of u
You really need to read your poem through before you post it up here. There are lots of spelling mistakes and in many places it doesnt scan properly.
Keep trying.
This poem was good, but needs a little work. The rhyme and rhythm are that good in it. I would suggest working on that and i think that is all you need to work on.
First of all, check through the piece and find all of your spelling mistakes, then go through and add all the missing capital letters, then go through and put in punctuation, finally, either ditch the rhyming entirely or completely re-write it:
"and as for p.e don't get me started
me and my friend's are always parted
in a gym that stinks of sweat
all the equipment is a health threat"
that could not be any more contrived if you tried.
OK, this has no flow whatsoever, the line-length is bent to make room for your rhyming which is not done well at all either. The rhythm is very choppy, again, you're changing it for your rhymes. I suggest just removing it, ignoring rhyming for the while until you can write fluently and make the rhythm work, then you can start bringing in rhyme, but slowly and don't over-do it.
As for the content, it's very shallow:
"there sit there and start telling me
what the hell to do"
Apart from making no sense at all this is ridiculous, what else are teachers supposed to do? If you get angry at them for teaching you then why do you bother going to school? As for the PE part, all gyms are sweaty, it's impossible not to have a sweaty gym, so it's just dumb to get angry at that.
Not particularly enjoyable on the whole, but it's something to spend (a lot) more time working on.
Okay... poetry has punuaction and capital letters. It's harder to read a poem without punuaction look at other poems and you'll see punuaction.