Published April 5, 2008
Silver hair on silver dress,
Midnight eyes that stare,
Snow soft skin, and petal lips,
A heart and hard as stone.
With a smile that chills the heart,
With hatred lurking there,
She takes your hand,
and takes you home,
In her palace of ice and snow,
You know she'll never let you go.
For years you sit, and watch her leave,
Over your past life you do grieve,
The door is open you can go,
But love and fear tell you no.
Late at night you watch her sleep,
Her eyes closed her breathing deep,
The scars of the day burn at your skin,
Her cruel and evil taunting grin.
And yet my love burns on so bright
Taking away the daily fright
No longer will my eyes cry
My heart is hers
Our love a lie
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Not sure about the flow but it was good.
Made me cold
I didn't quite understand this bit.
It's beautiful imagery but I don't quite understand the meaning of it.
But very beautiful
Write more haha.
Peace V
i actually really liked it. although it didnt really have a particular flow to it, i still liked it. the rhyming was just a tad bit off but other than that, i could actually picture what the author was tryign to paint. good job. keep writing!
I really liked the overall theme and language of this piece. Very nice! However, the fourth line just didn't work. It broke the rythmn you had up until then. Also, you switch between "you" and "me" which both seem to be reffering to the same person (if they're not you might want to make that more apparent.). Other than those to things, it was great.
I love the poem but you had a few grammar mistakes.
No need for a capital "m" here.
I don't quite understand this line. Maybe you should try:
A heart that's as hard as stone
There's no need for all these commas. Make sure you ask for help before you post something. You can ask me if you like. Just PM me and I'm here.
I think that here, it should be:
Our love is just a lie.
You forgot the peroid at the end of your poem.
This was very good, I'll say, but I think that it needs a bit of work.
Need help? Call me!
Shanan-Cat!
Some of it rhymed, some didnt.'
That confuses me...
Otherwise, I liked it,
8/10
This poem was really beautiful! It was kind of confusing; did it have a rhyme scheme or not? Sometimes you rhymed, but in the beginning you didn't, but if it's not meant to be a rhyming poem, the scheme is rather unimportant.
Good piece!
~Nightfall
All these things are modifications on the action happening in the present of the poem. However, look how long it takes for the initial thing to actually happen, the girl taking the person's hand. You might consider opening with that action to immediately connect to something.
Also, not every line needs to have punctuation at the end of it. Sometimes, misplaced commas actually halt the rhythm of the poem instead of facilitating it. Along the same lines, you might consider rewriting this without the rhyme scheme because so many of the patterns are repeated, and there are places where it's obvious the line was written solely to rhyme with the one preceding it. More often than not, this severely hampers both the rhythm and the meaning. For example, I see what you're getting at in the last few lines of the poem, but they're obscured because the words are written to the rhyme rather than for the meaning they're trying to get across.