Published May 3, 2007
through the whispers through the hate
within the darkness lies a hidden fate
the fatal strike of the hallway clock
three chimes ring and demons mock
with there claws they grab and snatch
to the darkness we are no match
at this hour the devil is free
we are no match for the hour of three
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,455 Literary Works • 674,468 Reviews
Hmmm..... agreeing with Rose on the structure and shiz.
However, I know what you mean by 'evil hour', so I found no problem there.
But by the gods, sib, please capitalize and structure and punctuate.
"Through the whispers, through the hate,
Within the darkness lies hidden fate,
The fatal strike of the hallway clock
Three chimes ring, and demons mock,
With their claws they grab and snatch
For the darkness we are no match;
At this hour the devil is free-
We are no match for the hour of three."
A few changes made -besides the capitalization and punctuation:
"within the darkness lies a hidden fate"--> lies hidden fate; I felt the 'a' jolted the rhythm.
"With there claws" -->with THEIR claws; watch out for those.
"To the darkness"--> 'for' the darkness; if you reverse it, as we must in our minds to see sense made out of it, it makes more sense with a 'for' than with a 'to'.
Aaaaand you may wish to capitalize Devil, depending on whether or not you're talking about the Christian 'Satan' figure. As a name and title it should be capitalized. THE devil, you said, after all.
Anyway, nice. I liked this one; darkness and night and the evil hour- sounds like fun! *wicked grin*
bei'theh!
~sworddance
Hello there, Storm.
This was well done, the idea and all, but you don't have it structured correctly. 
Just like your other poem, you need to work on punctuation and your capitalization!! I had to guess when and where each line ended. Just because this a poem, does NOT, by any means, give you the "ok" to ignore the punctuation and grammar rules.
All of your words are jumbled up into one giant mushy bunch, and therefore the reader doesn't exactly understand where you are going and what you are leading us into. By this, I mean I don't know where you begin and end each thought/line.
What exactly is the purpose of this poem? What is an "evil hour"?
Overall, though, I very much enjoyed your piece; it was pretty good with lovely description, but keep working at it. There is plenty of potential in your writing, but you have a couple of "fix-'er-up"ers in this.
Here is what I noticed while reading:
(1)
(2)
Mental question while reading:
~*~*~
My tip for you:
~ Read, eat, and digest the rules of poetry structure wise.
With wishes of luck,
Rosaleah