Random little poem I did in-between essays for school last semester (and revised a bit recently).
This is for you, fearless adventurer
Who often finds perilous journeys in my closet
The only way to fancy yourself for an afternoon—
If not only challenged by the wonderful sunbeam
And nap there to follow.
You claw and knead and head-butt
For a smidgen of attention,
Which turns into an hour of petting fits;
Then, in a turn for the worst,
You put a chomp into my hand.
Clever however may you be,
You still bother me at all hours
To open the door that is already a-jar.
This is for you,
Hairball hacker
And consistent shedder
On all of my black clothes.
Glorious hunter of dust bunnies
That might otherwise prove to be terrifying--
This is for you,
Oftentimes dubbed Cuddles or Fluffy,
Perhaps even Mr. Bowersox or Jiggles.
Sorry for the embarrassing names.
You are loved, regardless.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Yeah, the flow of the poem is kinda ... weird. I do agree. Lol. This was originally intended as a homage piece, or a poem to praise cats, but it kinda shifted elsewhere.
The thing about the door being a-jar is a personal quip about my own cat who will still howl at my door even when it is kinda open (he's old and senile, haha). Otherwise, the wordage needs some re-touching. Thanks for the feedback!
A nice sentiment, though I am not sure poor Fluffycuddles is quite apt to appreciate it
Is 'find' really the best word here? I don't think you can 'find' a journey, per se, or at least I've never heard those words used in conjunction before.I definitely like the affection you've put in this, and your descriptions just scream 'cat'. My main issues with this poem is language, a couple of passages when the wording was a bit awkward:
Not quite sure what to make of this sentence. It's a bit mixed up. Try clearing it up a bit?
Again, the word 'fits' brings to mind something rather violent and spastic, which goes against the image of 'petting', something that's supposed to be softer.
This makes sense, but it sounds clunky. Try replacing 'put a chomp' by another expression.
Again, sentence a bit awkward. It makes perfect sense and all, it's just that it doesn't really flow when I read it.
Nice job, though. I miss my cat now D:
Wow, the whole piece is unique! I really liked it. Although, I don't get the title, it's still great :]. I'm going to read it again.